Chapter 12

Monday 5 a.m. – Dakota

He had heard the old truck coughing into life a little early, knowing now where his father was really going. Strange, he had kind of wished that he had gone with him and yet he couldn’t get that look out of his mind. The way his father had looked at him when he had brushed Noah off yesterday. The sadness in his eyes were almost as painful as the hurt that was reflected in Noah’s face. Dakota wasn’t sure which hurt him more, Noah’s look of feeling betrayed or his father’s stare of disappointment?

In some ways it made him angry that neither of them could understand how he felt. Why was it always about them and not him he wondered? His eyes filled with tears for the umpteenth time since this morning. As he sat up on the wooden platform, staring out at the coming dawn he could still hear Noah’s voice. What would today be like he wondered and yet he knew inside exactly how it would be. He didn’t know if he even wanted to go to school today for fear of having to face Noah. God why did it always have to be so hard?

Sitting there with his knees drawn up under his chin he stared outwards, wondering where it had all gone wrong? Why had he jumped so far away that he actually hurt someone he cared for? Why did his own father look at him now like he was some big disappointment? Maybe in the past he would have thought it was because he was queer, but thinking about it, his father had never looked like that at him even when he had found out that he was gay. Strange, if anything should have brought that out it should have been that but instead it was him turning Noah away. How could that be? What was it that had changed so much that he actually had turned his back on his own dreams and hopes?

Was he a coward or maybe he was just being realistic? How could he go through more of this constant fighting and for what? What gain did he get out of having to get himself psyched up to just walk down a school hallway? Why did he have to wonder each time he passed some guys if they would come up and jump him? Wasn’t he entitled to have some peace, some time to be himself? His father didn’t understand how it felt each morning, having to wake up knowing that someone would say something or do something that would tear at your insides. He just didn’t get it that even though Montana had tried to keep him out of it that just couldn’t happen. There was always someone to snicker, to call him down for being Montana’s brother and it was that which defeated his brother more than any disease could. It was that constant goading, name calling that made him weak and tired which is why the disease took hold so fast.

He knew in his heart that Montana welcomed death, that at least in death he would have peace and wrongly he also thought it would bring peace to his family. God if he only knew how much it hadn’t brought any peace. If only he could have known maybe he would have fought more, tried a bit harder to stick around. Dakota’s anger and pain grew as he sat there, seeing the light beginning to shred the dark shroud that had covered his world. How he hated the sunrise and yet his brother loved it, telling him how beautiful it was to see. Dakota hated it because it meant another day was beginning, another day in which the morons would taunt and laugh at him and at his brother. Another day of having to get through teachers who would let the jokes about gays go at best, at worst they would join in the laughter. How could he enjoy that signal of a new day when all it meant was more pain?

To him the sunset was best simply because it meant he had survived another day living in a world that tormented people not because they were evil or sinners, just because they were different. He hated the world and some of that anger had given him a chance to be accepted. He had learned how to fight and how to walk and talk just like everyone else. In the locker room he had told his fair share of gay jokes too but he was tired of all that. He was just plain tired of it, of having to lie and pretend.

Maybe what really pissed him off the most was having to lie to the girls. He had dated some and many were really nice and yet he had used them, in an effort to protect himself but it was wrong. It had eaten at his insides and even Montana had seemed disappointed by his actions but it had saved his ass. There was no denying that and yet it didn’t give him any comfort. Sitting here now he felt like all it had done was make his whole life a lie, a sham even. Maybe that was what his father had seen when he had broken it off with Noah? Could he have known about the girls and how he had deceived everyone at school? Could he have known how he had been secretly pleased by Montana insisting he stay out of the hassles? Was that what had his father looking so disappointed in him?

Why did you have to leave me? Why?

He stared up at the fading darkness knowing that today would be just one more day of disappointments. He could feel the pain and emptiness in his heart from not having Montana nearby to answer him but he also felt a new hole inside, the place where Noah had touched. His whole body shook as he cried for what he could have had and for what he had lost. He couldn’t understand why things were this way but he knew that he hurt, that the pain inside was too much for him. For a second or two he wished he could be with Montana now, wish that he were next to his brother by that tree instead of here.

You told me to act straight, I would have stood by you, really, I would have

He meant it, he really did as he spoke out loud, hoping that by doing so that maybe his voice would carry, that maybe Montana would hear him. It wasn’t like it had helped all that much anyhow, pretending to be straight. Some still figured he was queer, some even tried to fight him and he had listened to Montana. He had struck out at them hard, acting like it was a slur that they thought he might be like his older brother. He had done the best acting job and yet why did he always feel so dirty afterwards? Why hadn’t it seemed like a big joke, the gay kid fooling the straight boys?

It never felt right, why didn’t you let me stand up with you? Didn’t you think I would? Were you ashamed of me too?

Dakota’s eyes felt like they were filled with sand even though the tears continued to roll down his cheeks. Even his tears hurt him as he cried, not certain what to do anymore. Part of him wanted to just put his head on Noah’s shoulder and each time he thought how good that would be, he saw Noah’s anger and hurt face staring at him. He had burned that bridge and yet somehow he still wished he could have made Noah understand. It just wasn’t about protecting Noah but how do you tell someone you love that he’s fallen for a coward? How do you explain to him that just being on the edge of the abuse had taken such a toll on his own spirit?

Where were the words to explain to the one person that had driven you to taking huge risks just so you could be near them and then when it came to actually having to confront those risks, all you could do was run? He did want Noah, he knew that in his heart but he also knew that he wanted to just be normal, to just be one of the guys no matter the cost. How do you explain that to someone like Noah who hadn’t a clue as to how it would be? How did you tell yourself never mind the one guy that had made it past all your defences? Hell how do you tell your dad that you felt like a coward because you never stood up to the bullies that swarmed your own brother? How do you tell the two people that mattered that you love them when you couldn’t tell that to your own brother when he needed you the most?

His pain was growing as his body shook in the dawn’s light. He felt so useless and such a coward that he didn’t know which way to turn. He wanted Noah so badly and yet he knew that to have him would mean an endless round of fights and scorn and abuse. He just didn’t think he could survive all that or that the image Noah had of him could survive it. Everyone thought he was such a strong guy, one who could fight his way out of trouble if he couldn’t talk his way out, yet they didn’t know him. They didn’t know how scared he felt each time he realized he’d have to take a hit, to take a fist to the face or to the stomach. No one really ever talked about that and yet it always seemed to be there staring at him. Each time someone would say something he’d feel the flesh and bone hitting his own, wincing inside at the sharp jolts that he knew would immediately follow.

No one understood how scary those thoughts were. No one really considered how each time the fear grew worse or the pain seemed to get more intense. Noah thought he was tough and all, so too it seemed did his dad, but the truth was that he wasn’t. He knew that deep inside, knew that Montana had known it too. His eyes were blurry as he stared upwards.

Was that why Montana? Did you know I would cave? Is that why you insisted I act like I was straight ‘cause you knew I was afraid?

Deep inside he felt anger, unreasonable anger at the notion that he should be anything but afraid. Hell the whole world seemed against him and his kind, even the Pope was calling him a sinner and evil. How was he supposed to fight all that by himself? Okay, sure Montana had fought it and where had it gotten him? How many times had he come home all battered and bruised? Sure he had shaken it all off, calling them jerks or puffing his chest out and saying that they should see the other guys. It always was guys too, never guy because it never was only one but a pack. How many times had he turned the corner to see three or four guys standing around waiting and how many times had he turned and walked the other way?

The shame welled up inside because he knew that he shouldn’t have turned away, that he should have gone forward and stood by his brother. At the time and ever since he had always said he was only doing what Montana had wanted, but had he? Was he really just doing what Montana said or was he using that as an excuse for not doing what he knew he should have? Was he doing what his dad said, using an excuse to make it all seem right when deep down he knew differently?

The wind began to pick up and he could feel the warm dry air swirling around him as he stood up and took off Noah’s shorts. He stood there, naked letting the wind play around his body as he stared outwards. Was this how it was supposed to be or was it how he was willing to let it be? He felt the pain in his chest as he dropped Noah’s shorts and walked over to the edge, to stare down at the shadowy ground. It would be so easy to just step off over the edge. to let his body fall down and end his pain.

His body shook, as the wind grew stronger. He breathed in deeply wondering if his dad was right, wondering if when you died that wasn’t just it. Was there really a God and if so, what would it be like to know him and feel him next to you? Could it really end the pain he was feeling right now or was it just so much hocus-pocus? Was there a place after death or was death final? His body shivered as he stepped closer to the edge of the platform, his toes curling at the lip of the edge. His heart ached inside as he wished he’d never been born.

There was no way for him to end the pain he thought as he stood there, the tears rolling down his face unheeded. There seemed to be no easy answer and for a moment or two he felt like he just wanted to curl up in a ball but then what? His mind was filled with the faces of all those who had taunted and tormented him and his brother. Even pretending to be straight hadn’t helped much and he could still feel the fists striking him, the feet kicking at his fallen body. He could feel it now as he shuddered and let his pain have free reign over his body. There was no other way left to him he thought as he stood there, wondering if God existed or not, wondering if he would see Montana again or not.

The pain tore into him as he shivered a little, his naked body growing cold as his mind rebelled against having to go and face Noah. He knew in his soul that he loved him, that he wanted to be a part of his world and life but that he was just plain afraid. He knew too that he was a failure to his father in both being gay and being a coward. There really didn’t seem any other choices left he felt as the pain ripped into his body, making it quake and shiver at the same time. The wind began to howl it seemed as he looked up from the ground to stare out at the land spread out before him. He wondered if they would cry more for him or less? Would Noah care or would he feel what? Would he cry for him or not?

Dakota could see the sun slowly rising up over the horizon and he hated its yellow glow, knowing that he had little choice left. If he just took one more step maybe then he would never have to worry about seeing another dawn, never have to worry about trying to just get through one more day of living. Funny, Montana had told him that the morning was the best because it meant a whole new chance at changing things but he never saw it that way. To him it was just another reminder of what lay ahead and the fears and pain that it would bring to him and his family. No the morning wasn’t beautiful or comforting to him and yet standing there, he couldn’t help but admire its strange beauty. Something about the morning had made Montana happy but what was it? Was it the golden rays piercing the darkness or was it something else?

What did you see that I don’t? What was it about the mornings that you loved so much that you even spent your last breath watching it come? What? Tell me Montana, please, tell me

Slowly the sun was rising up from the horizon and he could see the field clearly now, see the house off in the distance even and he wondered what it was about morning that had always given Montana a smile? If only he could know too, maybe then he wouldn’t feel so defeated, so empty? Maybe if he could figure that out he might want to go forward but why couldn’t he? Was he dense or was it just because there really wasn’t anything to see?

He looked around trying to see something that would make him understand but he couldn’t see anything different. In the light nothing looked different, everything was still the same so what was it that Montana saw that gave him such hope? What was it that let him get up each morning and go to school and face those assholes? His body shuddered as the sobs came from deep within his body. The pain of losing his brother grew harder to accept as he felt himself coming closer to the edge, felt his body leaning forward a bit more towards that point of no return when the wind picked up from behind him. He could feel it pushing against his back and somehow he fought it, holding himself that brief distance from the edge.

The wind swirled around and gusted up from behind even more as he stared out, his long hair flowing up and over his shoulders to even dangle out in front of his face. He could taste the stands of hair that came across his mouth and he sighed, wishing he knew the truth. His legs were cold as he stood there with the wind at his back and the scent of strawberries came to him. He breathed it in deeply wondering how he could smell them now, knowing the season was long past and yet it was strawberries that he smelt. Dakota felt the emptiness inside of him growing as he stood there. First Montana and now Noah too, what else was there left to be taken from him? He had nothing else left but himself and maybe that was just it, maybe it was time that too was gone so at least the pain could end?

Everything seemed so hopeless. If he stayed to fight he would lose, there just was too many of them. Besides, Noah wouldn’t want him now not after what he had said to him yesterday. Montana had already been taken from him already and that loss would never get easier to accept. His father was already disappointed in him and already feeling one loss, staying only adding to his pain and his mother’s pain. As for his sister, she had to struggle to keep their secret from everyone and in his heart he knew how much it worried her. She would give anything not to spill it but he knew that it was beyond her abilities to control. Eventually it would come out and then she would feel responsible. There was no solution for any of it, all he could see was more pain, and more emptiness as he began to let the wind move him along.

It would have been nice if things had worked out like they did in Hollywood or in some storybook. It would have been nice to be Noah’s white knight and come to his rescue and save him but that just didn’t happen in real life. He wished he could have what he had always wanted, wished he could walk down the street holding hands with Noah. Strange, he had always had that dream but never had a face to put with it. All the guys he had known never quite fit the bill and yet the instant he had seen Noah his face filled the blank one of his dreams. How could just one look touch him so much and give him such warmth that not even the sun could equal it?

His eyes blinked as he tried to figure out what it was about Noah that had gotten inside of him? Was it his face or his look? Could it be his body or maybe how he spoke? Standing there he wished he could have ended it differently between them, wished that he had found a way to explain it all to Noah. That was the one thing he really did regret. Somehow he really had hoped that he could have lived his dream with Noah, but this way at least Noah wouldn’t have to live with the pain for long, if at all. At least this way he would never have to know the horror of waking up each morning dreading the day.

There was a soft caress against the back of his legs and he shivered feeling a sudden jolt of electricity run through his whole body. For a second or even two he could see Noah’s face towering over him, the look in his eyes as his hand had began to reach back to guide Dakota’s throbbing pole along his buttocks. He saw it all and in staring at those eyes again he could see deeper than before. It wasn’t lust or just passion that glowed inside but something else. He felt the fires of Noah’s soul touching his in that moment when his pole reached that one small tiny hole.

He glanced down at his trembling hands and at the ground. It looked so hard and cold and then he glanced down at his feet. He saw his toes curling tightly around the lip of the platform and around the tops of his feet a thin material blew over and covered them. Dakota stared down at Noah’s shorts that twirled around his ankles and he could feel him now. He could feel Noah’s breath on his face; feel the drops of sweat that dripped form his forehead as he stared down at him.

The sun finally broke out in the dawn and it struck Dakota’s fully in the face. He could see the rainbow of colours through his tear stained eyes and was awe struck by the brilliance of the colours. The deep hues of red and purple made his heart ache and burn with a strange desire as his body stood still among the wind. Inside he felt the hot fire of Noah’s desire reaching for him and he could feel the tender gentleness of his hand on his face at the same time. Everything burned a brilliant colour as he watched the sun rise fully into the morning sky and he felt a strange stirring inside of his heart as he wondered if it could be that simple?

Monday – 8:10 a.m. – Noah

Despite the puffiness around his eyes he didn’t mind the sun’s glare as he scanned the parking lot. He still wasn’t sure what he would say or how to act when they met but he couldn’t just let it go. He had wanted to so many times last night and yet each time when he had made up his mind to just ignore Dakota he got that feeling inside that wouldn’t let go.

His dad was driving him and hadn’t even objected when he had asked him to drive slowly one more time around the lot. Strange how silent his dad had been all the time driving here and even now. It was kind of freaky if he wasn’t so intent on finding Dakota’s car. The whole weekend had been nothing but a roller coaster ride of strange emotions and happenings. Noah still wasn’t exactly certain what had happened yesterday, and a night of fitful sleep didn’t exactly give him a clear head to try and figure it out but somehow he knew there was more to it than what Dakota had said. Hell even his own father had said so on the way home from the cemetery and a lot more too.

Christ it was strange listening to how his dad had told his mom about Dakota suddenly dumping him. It was almost as if his dad was outraged that Dakota couldn’t see what a catch he was. Man if he didn’t hurt so much inside he would have burst out laughing at the way his dad spoke about Dakota. Even his mother sort of smiled at his tirade about Dakota even though you could see her relief as well.

Nothing made sense to him and even now, making his dad drive around to see if Dakota’s car was here was just as nuts as everything else seemed to have been. Deep down in his heart he knew that Dakota didn’t think of him as some trophy fuck or whatever it was called. He knew in his heart that they had something special together and if he could just figure out what had happened, maybe he could find a way to fix it. He just couldn’t let it go like everyone told him too, or seemed to want him to do.

It was kind of weird listening to his mom telling him he’d get over it, that obviously Dakota wasn’t the type for him or how she had commented that he just didn’t know a good catch when he had one. Man it was weird how parents could flip flop so quickly. Sort of gave him a headache from the spinning it caused. One minute they were yanking him away from Dakota and all that meant and the next they were calling him down for doing what they had wanted in the first place. Geez it was confusing but then as he turned to look at his father, he realized that maybe they had just been scared by him being gay cause they hadn’t a clue what it was.

“I guess you can let me off here”

He could see the hungry look in his son’s face. It was weird to see how desperate he looked as he scanned the parking lot and walks. Hell even he was doing it too and yet part of him was glad that they hadn’t found the car. It was still a mystery to him as to what had happened and he wondered if it was his fault? After all if he hadn’t gone there in a temper things might be a lot different for his son now.

“You sure? I can go around again?”

“No it’s okay, besides it might uh, you know”

“Make them ask questions?”

“yeah”

“Okay, uh, you okay son?”

Funny how worried his dad seemed about him and yet even as they had driven around the lot he kind of thought his dad was happy they didn’t find Dakota’s car parked anywhere. He had to admit in some ways he was happy to and also worried. God if this was love he wasn’t sure he was ready for it. To feel the anger he had at Dakota had scared him but not as much as thinking that he would never be able to touch Dakota again. It all had an eerie feel to it, like there was something missing but he wasn’t certain what. All he knew was that since about shortly after 5 this morning he knew in his heart that he needed to see Dakota again, no matter what. He didn’t care if everyone in school knew he was gay; just as long as he could talk to Dakota again or at least see him.

“I guess, not sure really”

“You still believe you and he are meant for each other, don’t you?”

“Huh? How… yeah I do, dumb huh?”

“I don’t know, guess it depends on why you feel that way”

“I wish I knew why, might help me figure it all out”

The whole idea that his son was having sex had frightened the hell out of him and his wife. Still it was strange to think that when he was Noah’s age it was all he could think about too. Things hadn’t really changed in some areas but in others it had. There was no way he even knew about gay back when he was 16 or what kind of sex that was, but maybe it was simply not discussed then like it was now? Still, the idea that his son was actually engaged in it brought up a lot of worries.

Looking at Noah this morning he had seen the hang dog expression, that sort of look that said how sad he was feeling and desperate too. He just found it hard to still believe that it was over another boy but it was. There was no doubt about it but it still took him a bit to accept it. There were moments too when he felt if only it was over a girl then he’d know how to handle it, but over another guy made him feel more out in the cold than anything. How do you comfort your boy about maybe losing another boy? Was it like being dropped by a girl, which was something he had experience in, or was it different?

“It uh, I mean it isn’t because of the… well you know, because of the sex is it?”

Why did parents always think it was about sex? Christ he had other things on his mind other than Dakota’s dick or so he thought. Sure he had thought about that part earlier and even when fighting with his folks he had thought about the sex stuff. After all it had felt awesome to be a part of Dakota like that and yet it felt different than what he had expected. It wasn’t like earlier that day either, but whatever it was, it felt right and now look at how it had turned out? God he must be nuts to think that just cause he found a way to take it meant they would be together forever, but well, something made him feel that way. If it wasn’t the sex, what was it? Why did he feel this way if all it was about was sex?

“I suppose in some way it is, but no Dad, it isn’t cause he was good or great or anything like that really, it was, I don’t know, sort of how I felt when near him like that, sort of… I don’t know if I can explain it”

Nathan glanced at his son and saw the way the eyes were glazed. For a moment or two he could see that look that reminded him of his own wife at times. She would get a sort of far off look too and he knew that she was thinking of him or of a time they had shared together. That was the same look Noah had now and it struck him just how similar it really was. Being gay obviously had some differences but maybe that was simple mechanics, because if that look was any indication, love was the same for gay boys as it was for straight boys. He could remember feeling that way and still did feel that way when it came to his wife.

“I think I understand, it is kind of how I feel when with your mother”

“Really?”

“Yes, I just didn’t, I guess love is love huh?”

“I guess”

“Hurts like hell too doesn’t it?”

“Yes”

“You know maybe he isn’t going to come to school today, I mean maybe he is just too…”

Noah knew his father meant well but he really didn’t want a lecture on how this was maybe for the best or even how Dakota wasn’t the right one for him. All he knew as in his heart he still cared and loved Dakota. That was all that really mattered in the long run so he wished his dad would just let it go, give him some peace. He knew he was only trying to help but it wasn’t. He looked at his dad and spoke in a sort of exasperated voice, feeling tired as he tried to once more explain how he was feeling.

“Dad please, right now I still think I love him, for whatever that is worth, I don’t want to…”

“Give me a chance son, okay?”

He knew his father was only trying to help but he just didn’t understand. Noah knew he needed to see Dakota if for nothing else than to see if what he had said yesterday was really how he felt. Maybe he was just confused or maybe there was something else going on that Dakota didn’t want to tell him? All sorts of things were running through his mind and his father’s advice just wasn’t helping. He didn’t have a clue as to what it could be, or how things were different if you were gay. Christ this whole thing could about Dakota worrying about AIDS or something, how would his father be able to help him with that?

“I am trying dad, just that…”

“I know, you are confused and worried and angry all at the same time, but listen to me, okay?”

“I’ll try”

“Good, what I was going to say is that maybe he’s just scared, or maybe, just maybe he’s afraid he can’t go through all that could happen, he did already lose a brother you know, maybe he’s just afraid he’s gonna lose you too”

“Hell of a way to show that”

“Yes it is, but life can beat you down if you let it”

Funny he had this image of Dakota and yet maybe his dad was right? He had no idea what it must have been like to lose a brother or to go through the shit that must have happened in school. Something about that made him squirm a little because Dakota seemed to know a lot about that and yet, he couldn’t remember seeing any marks or such on him. How did he keep out of it or did he? Could his father be right that he was just worn out from what went on?

Nothing really made much sense to him. Shit Dakota had come to him that first night, how could he suddenly change right after they had sex? Could it be that he really was that bad or maybe he had done something wrong? Noah had tried to figure that out, hell he even had written a note about it to leave in the locker, hoping that maybe it might get Dakota to at least discuss it with him. He just wished he knew the answers was all, that was maybe the worst part of all this, the not knowing.

“I just don’t get it, he comes across so tough, so together, how can he be afraid of what they’ll say?”

“I doubt if it is that simple Noah, I know how much it frightens me, and I am a lot older than you or him, plus, think about how much he must have gone through with his brother coming out? That had to be tough for him”

“I suppose”

“You know it had to be, maybe he is just tired of fighting Noah, did you ever think about that?”

“But who says he has to dad? I mean it isn’t like I am planning to announce how I feel about him on the PA…”

Nate could see the deep worry written all over his son’s face, which made him quiver a little. He could only guess at what his son must be wondering but in some ways Noah might be mature for his age but in other ways he was still just a boy. People had a nasty habit of finding out your secrets and if it was something like this, well he could only imagine how rough it could get. His primary concern was Noah and yet he found himself worrying about Dakota as if somehow he was part of their own family.

God how things could change overnight. Saturday all he could think about was how much he would like to throttle that Dakota and now here he was worrying about him just about as much as he was about his own boy. Strange how a parents instincts could just take over.

“Maybe it isn’t you he’s worried about”

“Huh? Well who then?”

In a lot of ways this whole gay thing was no different than for people like himself. He could see the similarities in the pain of a relationship and youthful desires being no different than when he was growing up. The real difference he realized wasn’t that it was about two guys but that it was how other’s looked at it. In many ways it was no different than how the world used to view mixed race relationships. He had seen the clips back then when many whites were so outraged at a man or women dating a person of colour that in some instances they would take the person to the bushes and whip them to death or just plain hang them. He shuddered as he realized just how this was the same thing, isn’t that what happened to some poor kid out in Wyoming?

Looking at his son he began to see him and Dakota in a totally different way. His heart shuddered a few times as the realization of what might happen wasn’t some fantastic improbability but was very real. He grew frightened for his son and realized that perhaps Dakota had realized all this as well. To think that some 16 year old had to consider whether to be in love and risk death was something he just couldn’t fathom himself having to deal with. How could any 16-year-old make rational decisions with that kind of future looming at him? Was this the new kindler and gentler world that his President had spoken about?

“Maybe himself? Maybe he doesn’t think he can keep how he feels for you hidden? It is possible you know”

“But he is so strong, I mean he came… I mean he is the one who came after me, I was to chicken shit to even… well…”

“I know, uh, did you ever think that, well sometimes us guys, we act strong when really we are just petrified senseless, maybe he even didn’t realize how deep things would get so fast, it happens you know?”

“I guess, still, why did he have to say those things? I mean am I being a sap for believing what he said before or not believing him now?”

“Son I wish I knew, I don’t, only you and he know that answer”

“But how do I find out?”

“I guess you’ll have to ask him, won’t you?”

“I can see that now, I just don’t know… what if he doesn’t want to talk to me? What do I do then?”

“I think for starters Noah that maybe I should pick you up after school…”

The sudden change in his father’s voice startled him a bit. It was like his dad suddenly knew something and didn’t quite know how to tell him. Noah felt like he had to talk to Dakota but how? It wasn’t going to be easy around school and somehow he didn’t think Dakota would let him go with him after school, so what was he going to do? His dad was right, he did need to talk it out but how?

“Huh? Oh I can walk home, it’s okay…”

“No, I mean that you should maybe leave it for today, then after school I’ll drive you over to his place and you two can talk in private, I don’t uh, well I don’t think this is the kind of thing you should talk about around here, you never know who might hear you two”

“I didn’t think of that… you’d do that?”

“Yes”

Everything was moving so fast in a strange way. One minute he had a boyfriend who he loved and a family that wanted him to be straight not gay and the next minute he didn’t have a boyfriend but a family that was accepting him for being gay. It was like he was on a roller coaster or something and all he was getting out of it was a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Noah felt confused by the sudden switch in his father, and yet he could tell that he meant it. He really did seem like he cared for how it all turned out between him and Dakota. It just didn’t seem to make sense to his mind but in his heart there was sort of weird warmth, like all this was how it was supposed to be.

“Why? I mean, the other night you didn’t even want me to see him anymore, I don’t get this turn around, it is just… I mean I like it this way compared to uh the other night, but…”

“I know, it confuses me too, I guess what it comes down to Noah is that you are my son, how can I not be here for you?”

“Do you think his dad had anything to do with this?”

“No, I didn’t get the impression but it is possible. I think if I can, I’ll try to talk to him too, maybe he and I can get to the bottom of all this”

“I don’t know what to say… I mean all the things I said to you the other night… I just… I mean now you…”

“Noah, you were angry, so was I, we both said things in the heat of the moment, bottom line is you made more sense than I did, so, well, let’s just chalk that one up to a learning experience for us both, okay?”

“Okay”

Nate could see the wheels turning inside his son’s head. The way his eyebrows arched upwards when he was thinking hard about something or the way his jaw would get a certain set to it. All of that he could see now and at the same time he felt a sense of pride in the boy. His own dad used to tell him how he would look at him at times and see a carbon copy of him at that age, but that was wrong. Noah may have some of his traits but he was all original. There was no copying there and it made him proud. It was like in seeing the determination in his son he could see that somehow he and his wife had done okay in raising him. They had instilled something that had value beyond the basics, but it still worried him.

Maybe the hardest part of the whole weekend hadn’t been finding out that his only son was gay or that his son’s love interest suddenly wanted nothing to do with him. The hardest part was finding out that in this most important part of his son’s life, he hadn’t felt safe enough to come to them. That had been the part that had hurt the most and also was what perhaps made him see Noah for who he really was.

“Look, I know this is confusing to you, but, well the thing is son, I don’t have a clue about this gay stuff but I know one thing, I never want to give you the idea that you can’t talk to me, if anything the other night has shown me and your mother that maybe we took that for granted, we won’t again, I promise you that. I can’t promise we’ll understand, but we will try and no matter what, at least we will listen, okay?”

“Okay… uh… dad?”

“Yes?”

Noah stared at his dad and he could feel the love there. He had felt bad about not telling them about how he was feeling before and maybe if he had, things wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand on the weekend but he never really knew how he stood with them. Sure they always told him how much they loved him but how do you know when that is true or not? Christ how many parents told their kids that and then when the kid did trust them to say something, the kid was tossed out on the street? How could he have known?

All he knew now for certain was that what he had always hoped he had with them, he knew he did now. They had yelled and screamed but then most parents usually do until they calm down. The lucky guys like him then get a chance, the unlucky one’s he guessed found other ways to survive. He wondered for a moment how Dakota’s folks had handled finding out about him and his brother but the fact that Dakota was still living there gave him his answer at last. Suddenly he just didn’t feel so hopeless; at least he knew he had a home to go to, no matter what.

“Thanks, uh, I get out at 3…”

“I’ll be here”

“But work, I mean you are going to be late as it is and…”

“I took the day off”

“Huh? Why?”

“I think because, well, I think it is more important that I be around today, is all, just in case”

“Thanks”

He watched his father pulling away from the curb and smiled a little. Even at 16 it felt kind of nice to know that your dad was still there if you needed him, which he hated to admit but he did he need him. As the car left his sight he began to feel alone and frightened for no reason. Each time someone would walk by him he would start to shiver a little, wondering if they knew his terrible secret or if they would guess it.

It was not really new to him, to feel this skittish and yet in some ways it was. Every person he passed would cause him to lower his head as if studying the floor and yet he kept stealing glances at them. His paranoia was eating at him as he struggled with the emotions that were boiling inside. He still didn’t believe Dakota and yet he wasn’t here, so maybe he was telling the truth? Yet even as he tried to let that thought take hold his heart kept fighting it. In some ways he thought he knew the answer, thinking that Dakota was worried for him but he was smart enough to know it was more than that, but what? That is what ate at him as he walked down the hallway distracted.

The collision wasn’t much, just a bump really and he looked up already saying sorry when he saw the red eyes and angry glare that came from them. Shit, just what he needed as he stared into Hector’s angry face. How could things get any worse he wondered as he mumbled his apology and tried to slink off but was roughly grabbed by the shoulders and turned around.

“Hey jerk you don’t get off that easy”

“I said I was sorry”

“Sorry don’t cut it shit face”

He had seen how others were stopping, many of them pointing at him and no one seemed upset by how Hector was talking to him. In some ways it was like they only wanted to see a show and in other ways it was that they were just glad it wasn’t them being picked on. No one moved in to help, which surprised him a little as he stood there, feeling helpless and very much alone. Inside he wished that Dakota was here and then it struck him, if this was how it was now what would it be like if they ever did find out about him and Dakota? He became even more scared as he tried to back away, to diffuse the situation.

“Look Hector, not today okay?”

“Oh? Listen to you, what’s the matter little boy, mommy forget to give her little baby a good bye kiss this morning?”

“Just leave me alone, okay? I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”

“Want? Nothing baby boy, not from some mama’s boy like you”

Hector laughed and reached out to muss Noah’s hair. Noah flinched and pulled back and as he did he tripped a little, his hands letting go of the notebook in his hands and it fell to the floor scattering the papers all over, some of which landed by Hector’s feet. His eyes were brimming with tears as he wondered why some people had to pick on others to make themselves feel good. Hector was a jerk but everyone around was laughing and snickering, just like Dakota said it would be. He felt the pain of knowing that he wasn’t very brave, that he really didn’t want to fight and yet he knew it was coming to that.

“Oh the little baby dropped his book, what a shame, here let me help you pick it up”

“It’s okay, I can do it”

“Oh come on, I don’t want to make you go running home to mommy cause I wasn’t a gentleman, now how would that look? Hmmm?”

“I said it’s okay”

“What’s the matter baby boy? Something you don’t want to share with your friends, we are your friends aren’t we?”

“Yeah sure, whatever”

“Now is that nice? I ask you, I think baby boy is lacking in manners, didn’t your mommy teach you manners?”

“Lay off Hector, you have had your fun”

“Fun? Are you saying I made you drop all those papers? How rude, and here I am simply trying to be a good conservationist, keeping my school clean and tidy”

Hector bent down and picked up a handful of papers and stared at Noah, seeing the fear in his eyes, which only made him grin more. He was about to crumple the papers up in a ball to throw into the wastebasket when something caught his eye and he stared at the writing on the paper. His eyes narrowed as he read the first few lines and then glared at Noah. His nostrils flared as he reached out suddenly and pushed Noah backwards, sending him into a group of other students.

“Well well, no wonder baby boy didn’t want any help. Hey everyone listen to this, it is to someone baby boy must think is pretty special, oh listen to this…

I don’t know what I did wrong that got you mad at me, I am sorry if I wasn’t good enough or if I should have let you be the one on top, all I know is that it felt so right when you pushed into me..

Christ we got us a real sick faggot here. Hey Noah, or is that Nora maybe? You get laid by some dude huh? Man you faggots make me sick… doesn’t it piss the rest of you off? Having one of them here?”

He stood there in total fear as he heard his words being spoken aloud. It was a note he had tried writing to Dakota and he felt the pain in his heart as he heard the pathetic sounding words. Panic ripped at him as he tried to remember if he used Dakota’s name or not and all he could think about was to get the paper and run. He tried to snatch it out of Hector’s hand but was pushed back by the stronger boy. His heart was thundering as he found his voice.

“That’s private… leave it alone”

“No way, it was all over the floor faggot… tough shit, let’s see what else it says, maybe we’ll find out who this other faggot is or you gonna save me the trouble? Huh? How about it, you gonna tell me or maybe you need some manly persuasion?”

All he could think about was how Dakota had warned him and here it was, not even an hour into being at school and he had already slipped up. God if Dakota had been here it would have been worse and he thanked his stars that at least he had somehow managed to keep Dakota out of it. He reached once more for the paper, but was thwarted as Hector glared at him, tiny drops of spit starting to show around Hector’s lips.

“Fuck off Hector, leave me alone, I don’t…”

He didn’t see it coming but he felt it the instant that Hector’s fist connected with his face. The pain was blinding as was the strange lights that seemed to suddenly spring up in front of him. He could hear a strange animal howl echo in his ears as he staggered backwards, unsure exactly what had happened. He could feel the pain travelling up and down his spine as he hit the back of a locker, the lock digging hard into his back.

Noah’s hands were at his side when the second punch landed square into the middle of his stomach. He felt the air leave his lungs and his body lurch forward. There was something oozing from the side of his face but all he could think about was how much he hurt. The pain was intense inside and he could hear himself coughing as the third blow landed. He only saw a blur as he saw something big and pink come from what seemed like the ground. His eyes bulged out as he saw it coming towards him and he started to try and turn away and lift his face at the same time but the pain in his belly held him in check.

The blow landed off centre and he could feel his head snap to one side, following the force of the blow up and to the left. His head snapped back and struck the hard metal of a locker and he felt the double blow of pain reaching for him. His heart was racing with panic as he felt himself slumping to the floor. His legs had given in to the pain and he couldn’t even feel them as he slowly slid down the rough metal door to rest finally on the cold floor. His eyes were open but blank as the pain seemed to be everywhere inside of him. His head was throbbing from a thousand places it seemed and he could feel the tears falling down his cheek.

“Not so mouthy now are you faggot?”

He thought he heard the words but his mouth was too swollen for him to say anything as he stared up at the towering boy who now stood over him. He felt the pain inside growing as he tried to back away but there was no where for him to go. All he could see was the angry face peering down at him and he wished he had never come to school today, wished that he had never been born as he stared open mouthed at Hector. Off to one side he saw a familiar face and suddenly he thought that it would all be over now, that at least he would stop it. His head turned to stare fully at the other person who now moved in and stared at Hector then at him lying on the floor.

“Fuck Hector, you losing it?”

“No, shit read this Rusty, I was right all along, he’s a fucking faggot man”

“Come on, just cause he wore a dress…”

“Shit, read for yourself, it’s his, go on… read it dude then tell me I am losing it”

Rusty took the paper from Hector’s hand and looked down at Noah. There was something pathetic really about Hector and yet as he read the page his own blood grew hot. Christ was this for real? He stared at the words on the paper and then at Noah lying on the floor.

“Fuck, you really write this Noah?”

He didn’t know what to say. The look on Rusty’s face was cold looking and blank too. It scared him and even if he wanted to say something, the pain in his jaw and cheek wouldn’t let him. He just nodded even though that too caused him fresh jolts of pain that made him shake.

“Christ… man you are sick, all this time I been sticking up for you, man you are one fucked up idiot Noah… who is this guy? It isn’t that fruit you been hanging out with is it, that Marvin jerk?”

The look on Rusty’s face didn’t register with him. All he could think about was not letting them know it was Dakota. He could see that Hector would try something and no matter how much it hurt, he couldn’t let them know. He clenched his teeth feeling the taste of blood now as he struggled to be heard.

Somehow he found the strength to pull himself up so he leaned a little against the bottom of the locker. His body was shaking as he tried to speak and finally in a hoarse whisper was able to talk, desperate now to make Rusty understand and to make sure no one suspected it was Dakota. He couldn’t let that happen, no matter what as the pain raced up and down his shuddering body.

“No… no it isn’t… it isn’t anyone from here… Rusty please, I think my… please…”

Noah had reached out, his hand reaching out for Rusty’s leg. He tried to tug at the cuff but instead of getting help, he saw the foot pull back. The disappointment was only beginning to register when his eye noticed the foot returning, but it was coming back at him with a force. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing as he saw it come striking out at him and catch him square in the chest. He felt the runner strike him hard to one side of his chest, sending him reeling backwards to bang once more into the bottom of the metal locker. His head snapped back again, hitting the metal again as did his back.

“Don’t’ fucking touch me you dirt bag, Christ… I stood up for you, man what an idiot I was. Fucking faggot!”

His foot reared back once more and then he sent it forward again, this time catching the slumping Noah in the side. Everyone standing around heard the sudden whoosh of air escape Noah’s lips and the sound of a dull crump noise as Rusty’s foot made contact with the soft flesh of Noah’s side. Some where looking away while other’s had a strange glint in their eyes, enjoying the spectacle of one of their own being beaten up.

“I told you dude, didn’t I tell you?”

“Yeah Hector you did, shit, sorry man I should have known…”

“Well least we know now, hey momma’s boy, you getting my message?”

Noah stared at the two boys and all those who were standing around watching. He knew most of them and couldn’t believe the expressions on most of their faces. It was just like Dakota had said it would be like except for one thing. At least Dakota wasn’t here to see it; he doubted if he could handle seeing Dakota standing with all those others.

“I think he’s got the message loud and clear Hector”

“I don’t know, I think he might need a bit more education on that, perhaps…”

Rusty stared down at the battered boy and shook his head at Hector and reached out, wiping the tip of his sneaker on Noah’s leg, cleaning it of the blood that had spilt on it. He had to admit that it was pretty stupid of Noah to carry something like that paper on him but then fags weren’t exactly bright. After all, choosing to do guys when everyone knew it was just plain wrong wasn’t exactly something a smart person would do. He crumpled up the paper and tossed it into Noah’s lap, taking Hector by the shoulder in a brotherly way.

“Cool it man, you made your point, besides, a teacher could come by anytime, I think its time to let your lesson sink in a bit”

“Yeah I suppose… fuck you are lucky baby boy, if this was outside… you say anything, I mean anything and this will just be a sample of what I’ll do to you, you got that baby boy?”

Noah couldn’t speak but he nodded up at the two boys. He could see the delight his agony seemed to give Hector, which he had expected. What he hadn’t expected was to see some of that same delight in Rusty’s face. He had thought Rusty was a friend, was someone who would understand if he ever did find out. Dakota had been right about that too it seemed. He wasn’t sure which hurt more, the pain from Hector’s blows or the kicks from Rusty? Maybe it was the pain he felt from seeing all of his so-called classmates standing around watching, none of them even daring to move and help him. God, no wonder Dakota had backed off, he had known how it would be.

He saw Rusty take Hector by the shoulder and head off down the hallways. He could see the way Hector was gesturing that he was showing Rusty how he had hit him that first blow and as he watched, he saw how others simply moved on, the show over for the moment. Noah laid there watching them all walk away, no one stopping to even glance down at him or to even see if he was alive. He couldn’t believe it really and the pain was growing as he tried to just breath. His legs were numb and he felt a hot burning sensation each time he took a breath.

Suddenly he saw two feet in front of him and he managed to look up. There was some guy he barely knew standing there looking down at him and he tried to talk, but the pain only made him moan.

“Move it faggot, you are blocking my locker”

He didn’t know what to do, the guy was glaring at him and he felt like he was once more going to get hit. Tears were rolling down his face as he tried to push himself aside from the locker when a pair of hands reached out and pulled him away from the new threat. He felt the pain lancing up his shoulder and down his back as the person pulled him a few feet Finally he let go of him and he turned his head to see who had come to his aid but the tears seemed to be too much for him. He could barely see and yet he tried to focus.

“Christ Noah, you okay? SHit that is a stupid question, uh, look, don’t… fuck, just uh hang on, I’ll go get a teacher, man you are bleeding something fierce, hang on Noah, okay?”

He recognized the voice and just nodded, feeling a little bit better at the sound of a friendly voice. He could hear himself wheezing and yet he couldn’t find the strength to talk as he saw Marvin running down the hallway towards the office. At least he had be spared this and he slumped over, the pain making him lose conscientiousness.

Monday – 12:50 p.m.

Marvin stared out at the crowded assembly and felt sick to his stomach. He had seen the way they had carried his friend out this morning to the nurse’s room and then later the ambulance that had come to take him. God what a crazy fucked up world he had thought and yet at the same time he secretly felt relieved that it hadn’t been him. Strange how he had felt such hatred and anger when he had found Noah about to be kicked again and yet how glad he also felt that he hadn’t been there.

Even now he wondered how it all would have gone down if he had been there. Would Hector have dragged him into it too or would he just do his usual pushing and taunting? Somehow he felt he’d be in the next stretcher if he had been there but then he felt guilty for not being there. Noah needed him and he hadn’t been around but then if he had, would he have helped? It bugged him even now wondering that as he watched how everyone acted so normal, like nothing had happened this morning.

The police had come and there had been a big assembly and not a single person had stood up and pointed at Hector or Rusty. Of course no one would point to Rusty, after all he was a God to them all, their leader in sports and in everything else. How could what he did be wrong if he was a God? Shit it made him sick to think about and yet here he was, sitting there looking on and worse, he hadn’t said a word either. The teacher he had grabbed had asked, the principle and even the Nurse but he simply shook his head saying he didn’t know. Fuck he was really no better than them or maybe worse because Noah was his friend. How could he do that to him, let the creeps who did it get away like that?

Everyone in school had talked about it, the way some of them described it only made it seem even more unreal to him. Some were laughing as they talked about how Noah fell to the floor or how he was begging Rusty to help him. Man couldn’t they see how wrong it was or was it just that they liked the blood and sport of it so long as it wasn’t them on the receiving end? Did any of them really care about anything that counted? How could they have stood around cheering or worse, saying nothing and doing nothing?

Sure the Principle had made a big speech about they wouldn’t tolerate such behaviour, even promised that they would find out who had done it but in his heart Marvin knew they wouldn’t even try. Only way would be if Noah’s parents raised a big stink and somehow they didn’t seem the type. Hell they probably didn’t know until now but still, there was that note too. God how stupid could Noah be to have written that and have it with him? Didn’t he know by now you didn’t put anything like that in writing and you sure as hell didn’t have it at school where someone could find it. Christ he really must be in love or something to have written that, and he wondered who it could be?

There was no way he bought the story that it was some guy who didn’t go to the school and he searched the crowd of classmates to see who it might be. At first he might have suspected Rusty because Noah always seemed to go a bit wonky when Rusty was around. It was hero worship that he hated to see but then Rusty had taken the boots to Noah, so no it wasn’t him. So who could it be? Even as he tried to guess he couldn’t keep his mind on it. The way Hector and Rusty were being treated only infuriated him more but he knew there wasn’t shit that he could do. Sure he could rat them out but he had seen what Noah looked like after. There was no way he wanted to look like that and he wondered if maybe he could transfer out?

It just seemed so hard to even think about continuing here but would his parents let him? He doubted it, they weren’t exactly the type who understood. He could hear his father now, telling him he better stay put and get used to it or else change. Man what crap that was but as much as he wished he could change, he just couldn’t. How many times had he sat up at night alone praying for just that? He lost count a long time ago as he stared down at his plate, wondering if Noah would be okay and what would happen next. He knew that maybe for a day or two he was at least safe, but how long before they would target him? How long would it be before they realized that they could beat a fag up and get away it that it would be open season on him? He shivered a bit as he wondered how he would be, if he could ever handle getting beaten up like Noah had when he heard the sudden silence.

Marvin lifted his eyes up to stare at what had made everyone suddenly shut up and all he could see was how everyone had suddenly moved away from the table. That one spot reserved for the school heroes and as he stood up to get a better look he felt a strange exhilaration. There on the ground staring up at some tall dark haired guy was Rusty, blood seemed to be coming from his lip and off to the other side was Hector. He was all sprawled out several feet away from the table he had been sitting at and there was no doubt that he had taken one hell of a blow.

He moved in to see and hear what was going on as he stared at the back of the tall young dark boy. He seemed familiar but somehow he couldn’t place him as he stepped in closer, hearing the whispers as others were trying to figure out what it was all about. The boy looked lanky and as Marvin came closer he saw how he stood with his feet apart, waiting for the two downed heroes to get up, his head slowly moving to watch them both, his hands balled up into two huge fists at his side. Staring at his back Marvin could see the faded jeans with a small tear below one knee and the dull brown of boots under the cuff. He licked his lips as he saw the way the boy stood and he swivelled his head around to see how everyone else was standing in complete and utter shock. Someone next to him was whispering how this guy just walked up to the table and was greeted warmly by Rusty. He talked in soft tones as if totally surprised by how the guy just decked Rusty square in the face sending him sprawling backwards and then how before Rusty had hit the floor he had turned and yanked Hector up and sent him flying in the air across the floor.

Marvin moved in closer, wedging himself past several others. He was certain he knew who it was but all he could go by was the taut back that stood ramrod straight in front of him. He could see how the other’s weren’t sure what to do if anything and how many of them hung back a little, waiting to see which way this new battle would go. It was kind of eerie as he came closer to see the faded grass stains on the back of the jeans, the rather shoddy pants looking like they had been worn for a long time. The shirt was just a normal shirt, but it had obvious patches on it too and for a moment or two he thought about how hot the guy looked from the back. He shook his head as he came closer where now he could hear the huffing sound of the two boys on the floor. The tall lanky dark haired boy didn’t move, just stood there waiting for Rusty and Hector.

He glanced over to see that Hector was right out of it. There was blood oozing from his cheek and he looked all mangled, his legs at uneven angles and his one arm was pinned under him. Marvin felt a strange sense of satisfaction at seeing hat image and he wondered if maybe Hector might have broken a bone or two in his fall. It would be poetic justice but his attention moved towards Rusty who suddenly spoke up in a startled voice, showing fear even, which made everyone step back, even more.

“What the fuck… man…”

The tall dark just stared down at him, waiting for him to move and Rusty glared up at him, stunned and amazed. He turned his head to see Hector sprawled out on the floor, looking like he was dead or something and he could taste his own blood as he turned back to stare at the dark haired boy.

“Christ man, I thought we were friends, what the fuck is this about? Man you are so…”

“What Rusty? Dead?”

Rusty could see how everyone was watching. His whole reputation was at stake and he couldn’t figure out what had exactly happened here. All he knew was that he looked up was saying hello when POW, his lights went out and he was laying flat on his back on the floor. Now here he was, having to stare up at his assailant and the guy didn’t even look scared, which any normal person would be after hitting him. Christ he was top dog here, who did this nobody think he was? Still, the guy didn’t even flinch as he tried to cower him while getting his breath back.

“Fucking right dude, what is your fucking problem?”

“You are …Dude”

It was the way he said it that made him look at him again. There really was no fear in his face, which there should be. He glanced around at everyone standing by, wondering why no one had come to help him yet. He shook his head feeling confused and also feeling a bit frightened. Something wasn’t adding up here but Rusty couldn’t figure it out.

“Me? What the fuck did I do to you? Shit man…”

“Don’t like it huh? Well come on, maybe you can even the score, I ain’t running from you”

The voice was soft and even gentle sounding which only made Rusty hesitate more. He stared up at him, wondering what had set him off like this. There was a strange tone to the voice too, one that only made him feel the fear more. Everyone around was holding their breath, which only made it seem more menacing to his mind. He couldn’t figure it out as he stared up at the boy, wiping some of the blood from his lips. His eyes narrowed as he stared up but all he could see was the two fists that were at the boy’s side and they looked awfully large to him right now.

“Hey look man, I don’t know what got you all fired up, shit I didn’t do nothing to you, I got no reason to fight with you, what the fuck is this about?”

“You don’t know?”

“Fuck didn’t I just say that? NO I Don’t know”

“I don’t like you, isn’t that good enough reason?”

“Shit no it isn’t, Christ man, what the hell did I ever do to you?”

“Me personally? Nothing”

Rusty could see the way he was standing that the second he stood up he’d be flat on his back again. He didn’t stand a chance at a fair fight and he looked around, seeing how everyone had backed away, no one yet willing to come to his defence. Christ what was with those jerks? How could they just stand there and let some newcomer wail on him? They were supposed to be his friends, fuck what a bunch of losers he thought as he turned his face back to the tall dark towering over him.

“Then why man? Christ, look, whatever it is, we can talk it over, no need to get all violent is there?”

“Seems to be the thing to do around here, don’t like someone, kick the shit out of em, isn’t that how you run things here big shot?”

At first he didn’t understand and then as he stared up into the eyes, he knew what it was about. He felt a strange fear entering his body as he looked up into the very cold lifeless eyes that stared down at him. It was like looking at the face of death and he could feel himself shaking. He licked his lips and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his eyes becoming glazed with fear as he stared up.

“I don’t know what you… I mean…”

“Yeah you do, it is written all over your face Rusty, you know exactly what I mean”

“Shit man, if you mean about this morning, that was Hector man… I didn’t…”

“Didn’t do anything? I suppose kicking a guy after he’s already been beaten up counts as nothing huh?”

Rusty could hear them all whispering and yet he couldn’t take his eyes off the boy in front of him. He had to stall for time but in doing so he could hear the disbelief in their voices. Christ he knew he couldn’t let him get away with this but the way he looked, it was like he wanted to kill him. For what he had no idea as he leaned back on his elbows, trying to look confident but knowing he was failing. Hell even his voice sounded scared as he tried to figure a way out, wondering why Hector wasn’t doing anything but afraid to look over at him.

“Look man, uh, maybe I shouldn’t have uh, kicked him, but fuck, he’s queer man, Hector and I, we did you a favour, you didn’t want to… Christ…”

“Making sense to you now super jock?”

“Fuck how was I supposed to know? I didn’t… I mean…”

“What Rusty? Didn’t know I was queer too? You gonna call me FAGGOT too?”

The whole room was deathly quiet as Dakota’s voice rang out. There was no screaming, no wild shouting, just a calm matter of fact voice that held something else in its tone. Rusty squinted a little as he tried to figure it out but all he could feel was the fear that was suddenly raging inside of him. He could feel the shock that everyone around was feeling too. He couldn’t understand, why weren’t they jumping Dakota? Why were they just standing there watching it all? Didn’t they care about him, hell he was their friend, their leader, surely they couldn’t just stand by while some queer tried to beat him up?

“Uh no, shit no…”

“Yeah right, why not Rusty? Not so easy to call people names when they aren’t already down on the ground all beaten up huh?”

“Look dude, uh, I got no quarrel with you, I uh, it was Hector man, he was the one who started it, Shit man, I helped stop him dude, ask anyone here, they’ll tell you…”

“Tell me what? That you only kicked Noah twice before worrying about a teacher coming by? I already heard all about how you stopped it Rusty, now… well now its payback time”

“Fuck man, I ain’t gonna fight you”

Dakota had taken a step forward when the piercing cry shattered the silence in the room. His head turned to see Hector trying to sit up but the pain held him back. Dakota’s eyes narrowed at him wondering for a second if he had done some real damage to him, forgetting about Rusty for the moment. The sound of his name being screamed out made him turn and he caught a brief glimpse of the figure coming at him from the floor. He tried to move out of the way but it was too late as he felt Rusty’s body crash into his, sending him falling backwards.

He hit the edge of the table on the small of his back and his own cries now mingled with Hector’s. Dakota felt a sudden dizziness come over him as his legs buckled and he began to fall to the ground. The blow caught him above the stomach and he felt the air in his lungs escape his lips as he reached out, wrapping his arms around Rusty’s body. Together they fell to the ground and he hung on for a second or two before wailing out with his own fists. He found the shoulder with his first shot and felt the sting as his hand struck Rusty’s collarbone.

The pain moved up his arm as he struggled and twisted with Rusty. Then he reached out and pushed Rusty backwards with his other arm, sending him off balance and in a shot was back on his feet, panting as he stared at Rusty who was also on his feet. He could see the wild look in his eyes but all that mattered to him was the image of Noah bleeding. He moved in and let Rusty swing first. He let the blow come past his arm to strike him a glancing blow but as Rusty’s outstretched hand moved past, Dakota leaned inwards and put all of his weight into his lowered hand. The fist moved hard and fast right up and into the exposed under pit of Rusty’s arm. He felt the blow as his fist dug into the soft flesh and he could see the pain register in Rusty’s face.

As his one fist struck hard upwards, he let his other hand strike just as hard into the soft underbelly. The sound of his fist hitting the soft flesh only drove him more as all he could see was Noah’s battered face. Rusty doubled over from the two blows and as his chin came down, Dakota brought his one good hand out and down. He felt the fire inside of him as he swung upwards, catching Rusty fully on the chin. The sound of bone striking bone echoed loudly in the room. It drowned out Hector’s cries even as it reverberated throughout the room. Rusty fell backwards, his body no longer able to stand.

Dakota could feel the blood dripping from his nose and lip as he moved in closer, the wild glaze in his eyes beaming down at the fallen figure. Everyone moved away, watching as Rusty stared up at Dakota, his hand suddenly flung up and over his face as he cried out his surrender, sobbing even as Dakota came closer. Everyone stared at the sudden fear that flared out from Rusty and they could all hear his pitiful voice giving in, almost pleading for Dakota to stop, to let it go.

He stood there staring down at Rusty, his chest heaving as he just stared. Rusty could feel the hatred that came from Dakota as he tried to back away, tried to move out of reach of Dakota’s feet and hands. He was crying as he tried to back away, to prevent what he knew was going to come. His voice was pleading for Dakota to stop when another louder voice silenced him. He heard the loud angry demanding voice and he felt relief, feeling at last like he had been saved as he saw two teachers and Principle Jensen running towards him and Hector.

“What is going on here? Mr Northwood? Explain yourself”

“Nothing, just a little disagreement is all”

“Nothing? Now see here, I warned all of you this morning, I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour in my school”

“I am sorry, we uh, got carried away is all, right Rusty?”

“Uh yeah…”

“NO! It isn’t right, Mr Jensen, Dakota here was simply paying them back for beating up Noah Collins, and if no one else wants to tell you, I will.”

All eyes turned to the squeaky voice and Dakota stared at Marvin who now pushed forward and stood in a cleared area of the floor. He had tears running down his face as he spoke and Dakota could see the fear in his face and yet there was something more there too. He could see a sort of admiration or pride or something that made him feel a bit better.

“Are you telling me that these two, Now just a second here Mr. Hottinger, you are accusing two of our most popular students of…”

“He is right, I saw it, Hector started it but Rusty was the one who kicked Noah”

The principle turned towards the new voice that had interrupted him and he could see several others looking at the floor, some where even nodding and he glared down at Rusty Maartin and Hector. He had wondered a little how no one had seen or heard anything and now he knew why. Rusty was their leader and most popular boy in school, still it made him angry that no one had gotten past that until now. He wasn’t quite sure how to handle the situation as another voice popped up saying pretty much the same thing. In some ways he felt a bit relieved, as he was certain that Noah’s father was going to sue him and the school for the attack earlier. At least whatever happened here would give him an opportunity to perhaps ease that problem. Now he had to decide what to do about Mr Northwood as well.

“All right, well break it up boys, Mr Northwood you get over to the Nurse’s office, I’ll see you after, Mr Hottinger you come with me to my office, you two boys also. Mr Maartin you and Mr Ramirez will go with Mr Young to his office.”

“I can’t move my arm, he broke it”

“Yes well, you two help him stand up and take him to Mr Young’s office, we’ll get an ambulance and the police I think.”

“I didn’t do anything… you can’t call the cops on me, Hottinger is just a fag… how can you…”

“Mr Ramirez you are in enough trouble, shut up”

Monday 4:43 p.m.

As they turned the corner to go down their street Nate saw the blue old car parked in front of their house. His heart was already beating too fast as he let his foot off the gas. He could see a lanky figure sitting on the front steps with its head bowed down and he wondered if maybe he shouldn’t just go down the street, acting like it wasn’t his house but he knew that Noah would be upset. His face turned to his wife who was leaning over the front seat checking for the umpteenth time on Noah who was propped up in the back. He could see her worry as he wheeled the car past the blue mustang and into his driveway.

Nate got out of the car quickly as his wife moved out the other side to help their son out of the car. He stared over at the dark haired boy who now stood up and came down the steps to stare back at him. For a second Nate felt a rage inside, wondering how dare Dakota show up here after all that had happened. He couldn’t help feeling angry at him, knowing in his heart it wasn’t just or fair but it was his boy that had been hurt. Where had Dakota been then he wondered as he stared at the boy who slowly moved down the walkway towards them.

Watching him come closer Nate’s heart suddenly felt heavy and sad. He couldn’t really blame him for this, thought he wanted to. It wasn’t Dakota who made those boys hate. Still if he had been there maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad or then again it could have been worse. He sighed as he heard his son’s whimper as he climbed out of the back seat and he turned to watch him. He felt so helpless really as he saw how much pain his boy was in, knowing that he couldn’t do anything to protect him beyond what he had already done. He felt a failure really and it wasn’t Dakota’s fault for that either, it was his as he turned back to see Dakota coming closer. This time he noticed the limp and also the bruises on the boy’s face.

“My God… are you okay? Who…”

“I am okay Sir, I uh, I got into a fight… uh. I…”

“DAKOTA!”

Noah’s voice sounded so strong and happy that Nathan forgot for a moment about how much pain his son had to be in. He turned towards the sound and saw the big smile on his face, a gap showing where one tooth had been knocked out. He also saw the bandage on his cheek that covered nineteen stitches and his joy suddenly left him. His heart only ached for all that had happened as he watched Dakota move forward towards Noah and his wife. His eyes stared at her for a moment and he could see the tears welling up there. He also saw her anger that was directed at the dark haired boy slowly moving towards their son. He shook his head and she looked at him and then at Noah. Her shoulders sagged a little as she moved to one side, letting Noah stand on his own. He watched as his son reached out for Dakota who ran a little to get close. He took Noah’s hand and placed it around his waist.

They stood there for a second or two, both of them afraid to really look at the other and yet as he felt Noah’s hand on his hip he knew he would have to eventually explain it all. Somehow though for now he just wanted to feel Noah next to him, to smell him and be near him. He wasn’t quite certain if it would last but this time he knew he wouldn’t run away.

The touch of Dakota’s hand felt like fire to him. He could feel the sudden heat rising in his body and even though it hurt he just didn’t care. Dakota was here which was all that mattered to him. He could see the pain and even sense it really as his hand rested lightly on Dakota’s hip. It felt so perfect that he just needed time to enjoy it, to let it him know it was real and not some dream induced by the pain he was feeling. Funny how much the ride home had hurt and yet now, how little it really seemed to bother him.

They took maybe two or three steps before Dakota stopped. He stood still and then slowly he reached down and touched Noah’s hand. He felt the cold of the skin and yet somehow he felt warm too. He shivered a little as he turned away from Noah’s parents and looked at Noah. His heart ached as he saw the long pale tan bandage across the one cheek, the white one on the corner of the bruised and cut lips. His eyes stared at the battered face and he lowered his own face, his one hand still holding Noah’s, his other wrapped in white plaster hanging limp at his side.

“Noah… I am sorry…”

“This wasn’t your fault Dakota…”

“Yeah in a way it is…”

“How’s that? You weren’t there, no way could you have stopped it without, well…”

He couldn’t explain it but his hand didn’t hurt so much nor did the pain in his chest seem so painful either. Just being near Noah seemed to ease the pain just like his dad said it would. There was no way he could ever explain how he was feeling right now, it just seemed so perfect and so right. Maybe Montana had been right after all, that love could make a person forget the pain. God he wished Montana could have met Noah, he would have liked him.

“I know, but I should have been there, Christ Noah you mean more to me than anything, and I let you down”

The voice was soft almost like a whisper and yet it rang loudly in his head. He felt the power of each word as it caressed his bruised body or so it seemed to him. There was so much he wanted to ask but for now all he wanted was to be next to Dakota, to listen to his heart beat next to his own. Whatever had happened before didn’t really matter now, all that mattered was that Dakota was here.

“No you didn’t Dakota, it isn’t your fault”

“It is actually, if I had been there, if I hadn’t pushed you away yesterday, shit this is all my fault”

“Why? Why did you, yesterday, I….”

He lifted his own face up and stared into Noah’s face. He could feel the love there and he took courage from it, trusting that somehow Noah would understand.

“I was scared”

“Of fighting? I thought you… I mean you didn’t seem like it bothered you”

“No, not that really… it was, well, I didn’t want anyone to know Noah, I was afraid that if they found out, well… I didn’t think I could handle it”

“Being gay?”

“Yeah, sort of that, well no, mostly that but not just that, it was like, well if it came out, it would be well… there would be no turning back. That’s more of what freaked me I think, knowing that I couldn’t keep it a secret forever and yet, well, kind of wanting to”

“I don’t… you wish you weren’t gay?”

“Don’t you? I mean honestly, right now, don’t you wish you weren’t gay?”

“Now? No, not now, maybe this morning I did, but not now”

He thought for sure Noah would have said yes. He looked into the soft eyes to see them sparkling at him, almost as if they were happy. For a minute the look reminded him of how Noah looked the instant that his body had joined with Noah’s. The eyes looked the same, had the same sheen to them as they did now. Could he really not care if he was gay or not?

“Why not?”

“Cause if I wasn’t gay now, you wouldn’t be here holding my hand”

“You mean that?”

“Uh huh”

“Even after the shit I said to you yesterday?”

“Yeah, I guess I always knew you didn’t mean it, still… it did hurt, but…”

“I didn’t want to hurt you, I really didn’t”

“I know Dakota”

“I wish I could take it all back”

“You have, we are okay, aren’t we?”

“If you still want me, yeah we are okay”

Noah didn’t bat an eyelash as he answered Dakota. His heart was finally happy again, just like it had been back at the tree house. It was as it should be and how could he not want Dakota? The pain of not having him was much worse than anything Hector or even Rusty could ever do to him. No, there wasn’t any doubt in his heart as he smiled when he nodded and spoke.

“I do”

“Why? I don’t…”

“I don’t know, can’t explain it really except when you are here, I feel good”

It was what he had hoped Noah would say, still hearing the words were almost like a shock to his system. His mind had told him so many times that no one could really love him, that no man could love another like him but now all those doubts, all those fears seemed to just fall away as he heard Noah’s voice telling him the truth. It was still hard for his mind to accept but in his heart he could feel the truth of the words.

“Even now?”

“Especially now, it doesn’t seem to hurt so much, why you?”

“Huh? Why me what?”

“Why did you change your mind?”

Looking at Noah, touching him and feeling him next to him only made him realize what he had finally come to understand standing at the edge of the platform of the tree house. Noah was somehow a part of him, just like his dad had said and like Montana had tried to tell him before. There was no reason behind it, whatever force had made him had also made Noah for him, and vice versa. They were meant to be and all it needed to happen was him having faith.

He knew he had almost lost Noah, maybe a lot more than that too as he remembered the wind blowing on his back and how it all looked so easy to just step off the ledge and be at peace. Now he had it all and despite the bruises and pain in his body he could still feel that touch of Noah’s shorts on the back of his legs, that simple touch of cloth against his flesh that had changed his life, that had restored his faith and given him hope.

Tears were in his eyes as he finally managed to put it into words, ones that he knew came from his heart and which he knew Noah would understand.

“Cause it hurt more to be without you than being gay hurt, because I suppose I realized that with you at least life meant something. Corny huh?”

“Kind of, but sweet”

“Think your parents will let us see each other still?”

“Depends”

“On what?”

“You gonna make an honest woman out of me?”

“SHIT!”

Noah smiled as he let his head rest into Dakota’s chest. He could feel the strong beat of his heart and he smiled to himself, enjoying the scent that came into his nostrils. It was like back at the tree house and he knew that what they had there was only a beginning. He couldn’t help but feel happy despite the pain in his body as he felt Dakota’s finger lift his chin up to look into his face. He saw the tears in Dakota’s eyes as Dakota’s head bent forward. The light touch of his lips on his mouth made him tremble with excitement as he felt the strong arms encircle him and hold him close.

They broke apart and slowly made their way up the sidewalk to the front door where Noah’s parents both stood. Noah stared at his mother who had tears in her eyes and then he glanced over at his father. He saw him staring at him, questioning him really and he smiled as he spoke.

“Mom, Dad, this is Dakota, he’s my boyfriend”

Chapter 11

Sunday 4 a.m. – Nathan

He stared out at the front yard, watching the shadows dance around the darkness moved from pitch black to a dull dark grey. It was strange to be standing here in his bathrobe looking out of the huge bay window knowing that his whole world had suddenly changed.

At first he wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing or not. Noah was so young and yet in the way he stood his ground, Nathan could tell that there was a growing maturity in the boy. The question for him was did he really know what he was saying or was it based on over active teenage hormones?

Worse though was the thought that if all that Noah had said was true, could he survive living in a homophobic world? Was he that strong or was he just talking tough? He wished he knew the answer to that because it would help him decide on what he should do. He just didn’t want to see Noah hurt and he doubted if Noah really understood that. All the talk about being gay was not pleasant, but he still knew in his heart that he loved Noah as a son, so he figured in time he would come to accept that part of him as well. It was just that he didn’t know if they would be allowed the time to adjust to it?

People could be cruel but kids were worse. He could foresee some of the comments his so called friends at work might say, and he could even see where it might lead to complications in him getting his own work accomplished. Still he also knew that it wouldn’t go much beyond words or looks. He didn’t expect his own life to be at risk, his own physical well being, from those at work or even from the neighbours. It was from the kids that worried him the most.

Christ he had seen the packs of kids walking down the mall, hanging out the various shops. If they chose to attack no one would stand much of a chance even if people wanted to intercede. It was a crazy mixed up world and Noah was putting himself and them right smack into the middle of that chaos. How could he let him see this boy knowing that it could lead to catastrophic consequences for them all?

On the other hand if he refused to let Noah see this Dakota boy, he risked losing his son in a totally different way. In short he was damned either way so what could he do? If he tried to keep him home he knew that eventually Noah would find a way to get out, after all he wasn’t a dumb kid. Then they would be at war with each other and worse, it would make home even more unbearable. He knew what a hostile home was like. Nate had vowed his would never be like that and yet now, here he was weighing that very possibility. Sure it was different in that he wasn’t a drunk but the results would be the same, no one would want to be in the same room, no one would want to talk or share things. It would become a tomb of silence or angry shouts with nothing in between. His heart knew he couldn’t handle that as the tears slowly began to trickle down his face. Nate’s eyes felt heavy as the clear drops blurred his vision and yet he fought for control, knowing he was going to lose either way.

Sunday 4 a.m. – Noah

Everything had seemed so perfect for him despite the nervousness he had felt all day while waiting to go to meet Dakota. Now it all lay in shambles around him and even holding the pair of worn shorts in his hand didn’t help ease the pain he felt inside.

How could his father be so unreasonable? He had always said he would understand, would listen but he hadn’t. Instead he had come like some mob to yank him away from the one person that made him feel whole, made him feel cared for in a way only a lover could. It wasn’t some stupid teenage obsession like his parents thought, it was real. He could feel that in his heart even if he couldn’t explain it. Damn he wished he had the words to try and make them listen but even if he did, would they listen?

Somehow he thought they might but then he saw his father’s face again, that angry hurt look and he knew he would never understand. There was no sense in trying as he stared out at the tree by his window, saw the branches bending in the breeze. How could he get through today if he couldn’t see Dakota? Hell, how could he get through any day without seeing him, without touching him or smelling him? The pain only grew as he realized that what he had enjoyed earlier might never happen again.

He turned from the darkened window to stare at his bed, to try and see what it would be like if only Dakota was there now, lying on that side with his long hair tossed all over the pillow. God if only he hadn’t slipped and let them know, if only he had managed to keep him and Dakota from them he wouldn’t have all this grief. Trouble was he still wasn’t sure how they did find out, but it didn’t matter. All he knew was that no matter how much he screamed, how much he threatened, if they wanted to keep him home they could.

All of his wild fantasies about Dakota were shattered now. Even holding the faded shorts next to his chin and heart didn’t help him. All it did was remind him that what they had shared, that brief moment when he thought he could read Dakota’s innermost thoughts and Dakota his, were probably gone forever. He walked to his bed and slumped down on it, tears rolling down his face as he sobbed heavily into the pillow, wishing for a better world and hoping for an answer that he felt would never come.

Sunday 7:03 a.m.

The pale rays of the morning sun made him squint and squirm a little in his bed as he slowly let them open. His head ached from all the wild thoughts that had passed thru during the night. One second he had imagined himself hopping into his car and racing after Noah, forcing Noah’s parents car off the road so he could snatch his lover form their evil grasp, but that was his anger speaking. It was silly of him to think like that, to even assume that Noah’s parents were evil but as he had laid in bed all night, it was all he could think about.

It had helped to think about doing something stupid like that. Helped to think that Noah’s folks were evil even but deep down he knew he was just avoiding the truth. Dakota felt so alone and frightened that he had dreamed weird dreams, when he did sleep. For the most part he had spent the night looking out at the stars, wondering what it would be like to be a super hero, to have special powers that would make him do the right things and say the right words. Instead he was just a kid facing a major problem with no one to talk to. God had seen to that when he took Montana from him and now who could he talk to, Arizona? His mom? His dad?

He could feel the bitterness inside of him and he wondered why it was that everyone was so afraid of guys like him? What was it about being gay that made so many nice folk turn mean and nasty? Their own pastor had refused to officiate at the funeral even because Montana had never recanted being gay, his Dad didn’t even fight his decision even. Okay maybe his dad was in shock and yet here it was, over a year now or close to it and his own father had yet to go to Montana’s grave. How could he not go?

At least his mom and sister went every other week. They still cared for Montana even though he had been gay. He went every Sunday, just like he would today too even though he wished he could just stay home under the covers. How could they all go but his dad not once? Nothing really seemed to make sense to him because he knew that his father loved Montana, that at the end they had spoken a lot so why wouldn’t he go to the grave? Was he angry or scared? Was it that he was afraid someone would see him crying maybe?

He turned his head towards the clock and knew he had to get up. His hand reached down to feel the tight shorts he was wearing and once more he could smell Noah’s scent. His body ached all over for him as he kicked the sheet off. His jaw grew hard as he tried to tell himself that Noah would be back and yet in his heart he found that didn’t give him any comfort. His anger grew but not at Noah’s parents or even his own father but at himself.

It was what really had kept him tossing and turning all night and he hated to admit it, but part of him was kind of glad that Noah’s parents had taken him away. The whole idea of being boyfriends scared him, not because of the commitment. In his heart he knew that he only wanted to be with Noah, that no other person could ever make him feel so wanted, so needed as Noah made him feel. It was something else that troubled him, which he didn’t want to think about but which he couldn’t run from.

He was scared, plain and simple. Not of living forever with just Noah, how could that scare him? No, what made him tremble with fear was that he would fail Noah, that he couldn’t or wouldn’t have the courage to face down the prejudices that they would have to confront. Dakota realized as he sat on the edge of his bed that he was both happy and sad about last night. Sure he wanted Noah in every way he had said, but he also didn’t want to fight anymore.

Sitting there, feeling the fabric of Noah’s shorts against his thighs and groin he felt lost. Why did it have to be this way? What was it that had some people running from him and guys like him as if they were contaminated or something? Did they really believe that they could catch it, that they could become gay simply because they were near a gay guy? It just seemed so stupid and yet that is how it felt. He had seen it around Montana at school and worse, he had seen how those who said they were friends never said a word. They stood by while others make the comments, while others jostled him or pushed him and when no one was watching, they would say they were sorry, they wished they could have done something. Christ didn’t they know that all they had to do was stand up and stand with Montana?

Now he had to do that all over again. Now he had to once more go up against those same assholes and he just didn’t know if he could anymore. Dakota felt tired as he stood up and dressed, feeling like a hundred instead of just a mere 16. His mom had told him once how sometimes trouble could age a person faster than anything. He knew was she was talking about now. God why did it always have to be like this? What difference did it make to anyone really if he was fucking a guy up the ass or not? Why did it matter to them if he liked a dick in his mouth instead of licking at some damn pussy?

His headache grew worse as he struggled with the feelings inside. He really did want Noah, not just for the sex but for the friendship and everything else that made up a relationship, least as how he thought it was. Looking at how his mom and dad acted together, it was what he thought could happen with him and Noah, but that was all in the air now. He had picked up the phone a couple of times last night, wanting to call him but then he chickened out, afraid of what would happen if Noah’s dad answered or worse if he told him that Noah couldn’t talk to him anymore.

At those times he could feel his anger rising up but at the same time he felt something else. It was like a part of him wished that would happen because then it would solve his problem. He wouldn’t have to pretend and he could safely go on living in their world without having to fight anymore. Those thoughts only confused him and made him feel shame. Why couldn’t it just be okay to love someone and not have to see first if they were the right sex or colour or whatever? Was God that choosey about who got into heaven? Did he really care if two people loved each other but were of the same sex or of different races? Did it matter if say some Jewish guy fell in love with a catholic girl, did they get banned from his heaven too or was it just gays?

Nothing really made sense to him as he walked thru the kitchen and kissed his mother on the cheek. He refused her offer of breakfast, feeling rather full despite the queasiness in his stomach. She looked so sad for him but what could she do? It was his problem and one that more than likely Noah’s father had already taken care of. If Noah had been able to convince them he would have called last night. The fact he didn’t was good enough as a call.

He reached the car when he stopped, startled by the shadow. His eyes narrowed and then opened wide as he recognized his father sitting in the passenger seat.

“Dad… uh…”

“You are late this morning”

“Yeah I didn’t get up on time, uh, what are you doing in the car?”

“Waiting for you”

There was something different about him, the way he was looking at him made him feel uneasy. He also felt a bit angry, thinking that his dad wanted him to take him somewhere when he should know that Sunday mornings were his. This was his time to be free of house chores and family stuff, it was his time to visit his brother. Dakota grew impatient as he was already late and he still had so many different things going thru his mind that he felt tired already.

“Oh, uh can’t it wait? I want to go to uh… well you know, uh, can’t it wait?”

“Can’t what wait?”

“Uh whatever it is you want me to do, or take you, or… I don’t know, you are in my car, just figured that uh…”

“You going to see Montana?”

“Yeah… you know I always do on Sunday morning”

“Thought as much, figured, well thought I’d go with you, that okay?”

He suddenly froze as he heard his father’s calm voice telling him that he was going to go with him. It was so unexpected that he felt slightly confused as well as uncertain. This from the man that no one could get to go to see Montana was just suddenly willing to go? It made no sense.

“Huh? You mean… but, are you sure?”

Gary had seen the shocked look on Dakota’s face which puzzled him a bit. Why should it be so strange that this time he was willing to go with him? Maybe the boy resented his intrusion but something inside made him realize that he had to go with him, that it was time for him to once more rejoin his own family. Seeing the look in Dakota’s eyes only made him more resolute.

“Yes, why? Don’t you think I can handle your driving?”

“No, I just… I mean you never wanted to come with me before, in fact… well, you never go to… uh, you never been to see…”

“Is that what you think?”

“Well… yes”

Now it was his turn to be shocked. His eyes narrowed a bit as he looked into the stunned face of his son. Could he really have not known all this time? Surely he had more faith in him than that? It felt painful as he saw for himself that Dakota really didn’t know and he knew that it was his fault. God how stupid could he have been?

“I see… I didn’t realize you didn’t know”

“Know? What didn’t I know?”

“Just where do you think I go every morning at sunrise?”

“To work, I mean… don’t you?”

“No Dakota, I don’t”

“Then… where do you…”

“I go to see your brother, sunrise was his favourite time of the day, you knew that, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but… uh yeah I did.”

“But you didn’t think I knew, isn’t that what you wanted to say?”

“I guess”

For a moment he couldn’t stand to look at his son and turned away from him. His heart ached inside of his chest as he realized just how much his son didn’t know about him. Gary knew he wasn’t the demonstrative type, the kind that always hung out with the kids, tried to be a pal. He just figured it wasn’t his role, that it was more important to put a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. He left the mothering to his wife but it didn’t mean he didn’t care. Hell he always spent time getting caught up on what had gone on, what the latest news was from the boyfriend front and all that other stuff.

He always kept his eye on them, never trying to intrude in their lives but always making sure he was close by, just in case. Didn’t they know that or was it maybe that he never let them know? To think that Dakota believed he had never gone to see Montana was like a knife to his heart. How could the boy not know?

The realization of the gap between them only made him ache more. He wondered if Arizona also felt that way about him. His eyes felt heavy as he turned back to look at Dakota. He saw a tall worried boy there, a boy torn up with a whole lot of hurt. In that instant he knew that he should have done more for him and he prayed silently hoping that it wasn’t too late for him to help his son. The pain was clearly written all over the young face that he felt it stabbing at his heart. How could he have not seen this before?

“I know lots of things son, I know for instance that Montana loved to watch the sunrise, that he enjoyed eating fresh strawberries and a whole lot of other things. I know too that for you sunset is your favourite time of day, you love to see the sun setting, the red tinge makes you tingle even, and I know you hate strawberries but used to go and eat them with Montana because it made him happy. Hell that is part of being a father, knowing stuff about your kids, or at least trying to know them.”

“I never… but why, uh, why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“What was there to say? That I miss him so much that I go and watch the sunrise over his grave? That instead of sitting out with him when he was alive to watch, I do it now that he is gone? What could I say that wouldn’t make it all seem so… so pitiful?”

It was like there was a stranger sitting in his car. The words were so filled with pain that he didn’t know what to do. He could feel the tears welling up near his eyes as he stared out at his father. The man looked different too, looked almost like a beaten old man instead of the strong 42 year old he was. Could the pain he felt for Montana have caused all that? If it did, what would his own headaches cause his dad to look like? Suddenly his fear grew as he realized that it wasn’t just him and Noah that he had to piece together, but his whole family had a stake in it as well. The idea terrorized him as he tried to reach out, wanting to say something but not knowing what.

“Dad I…”

“Just drive son, okay? Right now, please, just drive”

He didn’t know what to do. This wasn’t how he expected his father to act and yet in some deep part of his body he felt like it couldn’t ever be any other way. This was the man he thought his father was but had rarely seen. Now that he was seeing it he felt scared and yet warm too. It was confusing as he looked at his father who turned away at last. Dakota could see the tears welling up in the lined face and his heart ached for his dad. He stared at him then looked at the house, to see his mother standing on the porch. She merely nodded at him and he turned back to get into his car. Dakota turned the ignition on and headed the car down the long dusty road towards the main road.

The sound of the wind blowing past and the noise cars made as they whizzed by only made him more aware of the silent figure next to him. There were so many questions popping into his head that his headache only got worse. He had to squint as the pain in his forehead grew with each passing mile, He drove by reflex more than anything and despite that he felt like he was on a bed of nails. There was so much he wanted to ask but each time he tried, his courage failed him. He sat there driving instead of talking, instead of asking so that when they finally arrived at the cemetery he was startled.

He shifted down a little, easing off the gas and coasted along the windy road till he could go no further. He parked the car off to the side and stared out past the lush green rolling grass. His eyes narrowed as he saw the tall tree off in the distance and his heart sighed a bit, wishing for what he wasn’t sure. So much was pressing on him that he stood there blinking in the morning light until he saw the bent over figure slowly walking up the grassy knoll. His father had already left him and he quickly leaped forward, jogging to catch up.

They came to the simply white stone that jutted up from the grassy ground. You could barely see the dirt now, the grass having already claimed most of it. The shade from the overhanging branches added a soft cool touch to the whole area. Other stones were dotted about but there was nothing on either side of Montana’s. Not for some distance really did you see another stone and Dakota had always wondered about that, how such a nice spot was being left untouched.

His father stood by the stone with his head bowed and then as Dakota came to stand by him he finally looked at him. Dakota stepped back as he saw a warm glow and strange calm in his father’s face. He had half expected to see tears running down the cheeks but instead they actually had a bit of colour to them. It was weird for him as he saw his dad give him a small smile and then take his jacket off. For a moment Dakota thought he would toss it over his shoulder or offer it to him to wear or hold but instead the man simply laid the jacket on the grass, next to the headstone and then proceeded to sit down on it.

Dakota didn’t know what to do. He stood there staring down at the stone and then at his father who just sat there, his legs stretched out in front like he was at a picnic or something. It all seemed so unreal to him and yet as the sun played on the grass in front and the wind swirled lightly around him, he knew this wasn’t a dream. His heart continued to pound hard as he tried to say something, not sure what he should say even. Everything seemed so natural and yet felt weird, just like everything else it seemed that was happening to him. His thoughts turned to Noah and he wondered what it would have been like having Noah here with him? Would he have understood why every Sunday Dakota came here or would he think it sappy and weird? Whenever things got heavy, whenever he needed a place to think it was here that he came.

Here was where he felt safe; where he could talk to the only person he had who could understand him. Here was where he could unburden his mind to the only person that shared the same doubts and pains as he did. Here was where he could just be himself, talk without worry about what someone might think or get a wrong impression. Would Noah have understood that? Did his father understand it? Once more his eyes were drawn to his dad who was leaning back on his elbows and staring right back at him. It made him jump a bit and hang his head down, the eye contact too frightening to him.

“Don’t you sit?”

“Huh?”

“Do you just stand or do you sit down when you come by yourself?”

“Oh, uh, I sit”

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Why aren’t you sitting? Am I making you that nervous Dakota?”

“Sorry… I guess partly, I don’t know.”

Staring at his son, he reminded him of a deer got in the headlights of a truck. His eyes blazed and yet he stole perfectly still. Nothing around him seemed to be registering as the lights mesmerized him except in this case it was his presence. Did he really make his own boy so nervous or was it something else? Something was eating at him, but what?

“Feeling shell shocked are you?”

“Shell shocked? From?”

“Me being here, last night, school, life, I don’t know, everything maybe?”

He felt confused by his father. His dad had said more to him so far than maybe what he had said over the entire year. It was nice in one sense and freaky in another. Was his dad going to try and tell him he shouldn’t see Noah anymore? The idea that he might do that though didn’t anger him as much as he thought it should. Was he maybe hoping for that but damn it, he loved Noah or thought he did. Why was he feeling like he needed an out, that he needed an excuse to end something he only had ever dreamed of having? Was he that fucked up in the head that when something good like Noah came along he tried to push it away? What was wrong with him? Why was he acting this way?

“I suppose… things are a bit uh, mixed up”

“Mixed up? Christ son they are royally fucked up as I see it”

“Dad!”

“What? You think this is where we pussy foot around stuff? I don’t think so Dakota, one thing I have learned by coming here every morning for so long is that pussy footing around stuff that counts is just so much crap and a waste of time. Hell son, we got more important stuff to deal with in life than worrying about what blasted words we use, don’t you think?”

“I guess… I don’t know, maybe”

Gary couldn’t put his finger on it but something was out of place, was wrong as Dakota never was so hesitant before, never so reluctant to say how he felt. He peered intently at his son, trying to figure out what it was that had him acting so skittish. Could Dakota be worried that he might try to stop him from seeing that Noah boy?

“Christ son you are acting like you are going to jump out of your skin, what is it? This trouble with that Noah boy, is that eating at you?”

“Partly”

“The rest being?”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

Dakota wasn’t sure how to respond. He wasn’t used to all these questions from his dad like this, and hell it seemed that he knew more than he had suspected. Okay maybe mom had talked to him he thought but why now? Why was he suddenly all fired up to talk about this stuff? It wasn’t like he seemed interest before this, so what was it? Was he worried about more medical bills or was there something he hadn’t told him? Christ had he heard from Noah’s folks?

That might be it but staring at him, seeing the strange new look on his face he wondered other things too. It just wasn’t the way he was used to his dad acting. Maybe there was something going on he should know about, why the sudden switch in how he acted? The whole idea of his dad showing up here each morning was puzzling to him. How could he have not known but worse, why did his dad do it?

“Why are you here now? Why do you come here in the mornings alone? Why didn’t you ever tell me, or Arizona? Does mom know?”

“Yes she knows, she’s even come a few times with me, though she worried each time that one of you would wake up and find us both gone, so for the most part she stays home, but yes she knows.”

“Then why didn’t you, I mean why was it a secret?”

“It wasn’t, guess though it became one all on its own, kind of like you and Montana huh?”

“Us? I don’t…”

For the life of him he had never seen his son so disjointed, so lacking in strength. At times he had thought Dakota had a certain stubborn streak or even a defiant one but looking at him now all he could see was total confusion. It scared him a little as he tried to figure out what it could be that had him all in knots like this?

Dakota had always been one of those kids who just went and did things. He never worried about asking, he just went and did em like he had some secret guidance system inside that always kept him focused. Now he looked like a duck out of water that made him sweat a bit. He was so young to have gone through so much crap and yet to know that there was just as much if not more around the corner. It didn’t seem right or fair but that was life.

“How long did you know Dakota? Days? Weeks? Months? Years?”

“I dunno, awhile I guess”

“So how come you never told?”

“That is different… I mean…”

“Is it?”

“Yeah, it is something you, you know… What, you figured I should have just come up and said, oh by the way I am gay too? Besides, I thought you had enough to worry about.”

It was almost as if he could smell the fear oozing from his son. His heart began to tremble as he realized that something was seriously wrong with his boy. He couldn’t quite get a handle on it but he could see the terror in Dakota’s face as he spoke, as he tried to hide the doubts and fears.

“That’s nice if it is true”

“Huh? Of course it is…”

“Could be more that you were just plain scared?”

Shit, did everyone know what a coward he was? Was he the last one to find out that all this time of pretending to be tough, pretending to be self-reliant and all that in reality he was just a scared snot nosed kid? God did Noah know it too?

Maybe that was why he had gone so ballistic, so intense that he would get his parents to see things his way. It was maybe his way of telling him that he knew, that he didn’t care or was he just trying to get him to stand up for a change? Shit, it was so mixed up, he wished they had time before all this happened. Maybe if they had spent the weekend together they could have talked. Hell maybe he could have found the guts to try and explain all these weird things he was feeling inside.

Looking at his dad he wondered what he was up to? Did he suspect how much of a coward he was or was he trying to find out? The way he looked now sure as hell wasn’t how he looked when he first confronted Montana. God the anger on his face, the almost murderous look he gave both of them was still vivid in his mind. How did he expect him to tell him after looking like that?

“Okay, yeah that too I suppose, shit it isn’t easy telling something like that, and then… well…”

“Well what?”

“I didn’t want you to go off like you did when Montana told you”

It couldn’t be that simple, could it? Looking at his face, seeing the way he kept averting his eyes only made Gary more certain that his boy was still hiding something. He wished he could pin point it because in his heart he knew it could make or break who is son turned out to be. Every part of his body felt like it belonged to a person over a 100 as he tried to figure out just what was eating at Dakota.

“He didn’t tell me, I went off cause I heard about it elsewhere, hell I don’t know, maybe I would have gone off the same no matter what, but I cooled off pretty fast, didn’t I?”

“Yeah”

“So?”

“I dunno, guess I should have said something”

“Would have helped”

“I suppose, just that, well, you aren’t all that easy to just talk to”

“Doing okay now aren’t we?”

“Some, maybe it’s the place, or maybe I just… I don’t know, so why didn’t you tell me? About coming here?”

“I never really thought about it actually, never even knew you didn’t know, at least until last night. That’s maybe why this morning I am here with you instead”

Somehow he felt he was on safer ground now. Talking about why he hadn’t said anything was getting to close to home. God what if he was a coward thru and thru? He couldn’t be though, shit he had stood up for Montana, had fought a few good fights too, so how could he be a coward? Thing was though it was how he felt right now, knowing that he was only looking for excuses to break it off with Noah.

He felt angry at his father too. Why did he have to come and dump all this on him now? Didn’t he have enough to try and figure out without having to explain all this other stuff? Couldn’t his dad see that he needed to be alone, to work stuff out?

“But… I mean each time we asked you to come with us, you always refused, we thought it was cause… well cause you couldn’t bear to be here, now you say you are here every morning, so, why didn’t you come with us? Is it us you didn’t want to be around?”

“Christ NO! I thought that each needed their own time here, without the others. I love your mother and when she offered to come with me, I didn’t refuse but she could tell, she could see that this was my time. I just thought when you asked that you were being polite is all. I also thought that you needed your own time here, just like I do”

“I suppose, still I wish I had known…”

“Why? So you could have joined me? I don’t know, maybe once or twice would have been okay, but I think if you had known you would have wanted to come every morning, and well as much as I love you, I need that time to be alone with Montana.”

“I guess I understand… but still”

Why was he so scared of him? It didn’t make sense really because he thought he had always been a good father. He never tried to force them to do stuff, he would always explain things or at least try to. Wasn’t like teenagers ever wanted to listen but still he had tried. Okay there had been times when he had to be strict, hell that was part of being a parent but that shouldn’t make his kids afraid of him.

God didn’t they know that he would give his own life for them if he could save them from pain? Didn’t Dakota know that he would have traded places with Montana in a flash if he could have? How could he have raised Dakota all these years with him not knowing or trusting in him? Was he that much of a stranger to his own family?

“Hell Dakota, you could have asked too you know? If you wanted to know, all you had to do was ask, it isn’t like I bite your head off when you ask me stuff, is it?”

“No, I just never… never really thought to”

“I suppose son, but it isn’t right you know? We are supposed to trust each other, you do know I love you don’t you?”

“Yeah”

Gary was confused. He heard the words and they were what he had expected and yet they rang false inside. Looking at Dakota he realized that the boy was saying what he thought he wanted to hear instead of telling him the truth. It was not how he had raised him and yet, there was something in Dakota’s face that made him worry even more.

“Yeah? Yeah but what?”

“Nothing”

“Nothing my ass, I can see it in your eyes son, you don’t think I love you do you?”

“I don’t know…. shit, I wish I did, but sometimes I think you hate me, that you…”

“Hate you? I could never hate you, you are my son”

“I know, it is just that… well sometimes I wonder if you do cause I am… well cause I am like Montana”

“Like Montana? You mean gay?”

“Yes”

“How can you, what ever could make you think that I hated your brother? I love him, just as I love you and Arizona. Do you really think I hated Montana because he was gay?”

He didn’t know what to say to his dad. Yes at times he did think that his dad hated Montana and hated him too because they were gay. At times he could see the look on his face and he knew it was hatred. Maybe if Montana hadn’t gotten sick things would be different, but everything changed with that news. The looks never came after that, so maybe it wasn’t real or maybe it was just that he couldn’t hate someone who was dying? How do you say that?

“I don’t think so, no… but then he got sick which changed things, I don’t know, maybe you think it is my fault or something”

Oh Sweet Jesus how could he have missed all this pain and suffering that was inside of his boy? Had he been that blind or that self absorbed that he hadn’t seen the pain in his youngest boy? His body shook a little as he felt his own shame for not seeing, for not knowing.

“My God, Dakota how… I love you son, as much as I loved Montana and as much as I love your sister. I don’t hate you, I couldn’t, I just couldn’t.”

“It is just that… I don’t know, being this way, Montana having been this way…”

“Good Lord Dakota, how could you even think that? Why didn’t you ever come to me or to your mother? Why have you kept all this inside?”

“I don’t know, I guess I kept seeing how angry you got at Montana, and then how sad you were when… when he came home to… to die. I don’t know, it just was like… like…”

“Terrifying and confusing?”

“yes”

“I know, it is how I felt then too, still do really. I won’t bullshit you Dakota, I do worry about you and at times, well at times I curse this whole gay thing”

It wasn’t what he had wanted to hear. He knew inside that his dad hadn’t cared for him being gay any more than he had for Montana. Still to hear it only made it seem worse. He couldn’t help who he was, at times he wished he could but it just didn’t happen no matter how much he prayed for it. God what he wouldn’t give to be like all the others, to not worry about hiding how he was feeling or thinking when in the locker room or walking down the hallway. No one really could understand how that hurt and each night he wished he could be different. Now knowing his dad really did hate it only made him wish he had, well that he had died along with Montana. At least for Montana that part was over, he didn’t have to face all those hating faces anymore.

“I can’t help being this way dad”

“No I know that, I don’t curse at you son… I curse at God I guess, for making you this way, not because I am ashamed either, but for all the grief this has given you, both of you really”

“I miss him so much dad…”

“I know we all do son, we all do…”

“Why did he have to die Dad? Why? Is it maybe… I mean… could they…”

God how many sleepless nights had he and his wife shared over this question? Why did such bad things happen to innocent people like his Montana? Okay, maybe he wasn’t perfect but who in hell was? Montana cared for a lot of things, he was a good son and looked after his sister and younger brother. He would give anything he had for them so why? What terrible thing was it that made God take him from them?

He couldn’t begin to count how many times he asked himself if it was because of Montana being gay. How many times had he picked up a newspaper to read about some group claiming gays were sinners, some Priest commenting on how they were doomed unless they repented or how many politicians that were incensed at their lifestyle demanding criminal penalties for their behaviour?

Even his own family pastor had felt that Montana had violated some sacred trust with God, but damn it, God created his boy, just as he had created everything in the world, how could Montana be evil? How could such a warm person who loved life like he had be a shame to God?

Deep down in his heart he knew that they were wrong. His mind may wonder and think that perhaps they had a point or two, which they even had to be right given, who they were but in his heart he knew that was wrong. Something deep down told him that and looking at Dakota, he realized that his son was lost. He had listened too much to the hatred.

Gary sighed as he looked deeply into his boy’s face in an effort to calm the fears that seemed to be there. There was so much he didn’t know and yet it was up to him to show him that it was okay to be who he was. It was his responsibility as a father to try and help his son, but how could he when he himself didn’t know the answers or the truth? All he had was his faith and he prayed it would be enough.

“NO! NO! Don’t… damn, don’t Dakota… you can’t blame his dying on who he was or who you are either, it isn’t like they say son… God in heaven, I wish I could explain it…. I wish someone would explain it to me… “

“Then… why? It seems so… so cruel”

“Life can be that way, I don’t know why, it just is I suppose, but Dakota you can’t ever believe it is because he was gay. For whatever reason God chose to take Montana, it wasn’t because Montana was gay.”

“You still believe in God?”

“Don’t you? Of course I still do, I don’t know if I could have gotten through this otherwise.”

Dakota lowered his head and stared at the ground. All he could feel was pain inside, pain and hatred. He hated who he was, having to always try to be one thing when he was something else. He hated how it had made Montana feel, hated how it had hurt them all and worse of all he hated how it taken his brother from him.

“I don’t”

“Dakota you are angry, you can’t…”

“Blame God? Why the hell not? He made us this way didn’t he? So why then? Why did he send this AIDS to kill us? Is he ashamed of us too? If he exists, why dad? Why?”

The silence felt like it would shatter every thing around him. He couldn’t look at his son really and he felt the pain in his heart because he also wondered about it. How could a God who was supposed to be of love do such things? He had questioned it so many times that he knew them by heart. The trouble was he had no answer for his son who needed one and he felt himself slip a little, his hand touching the warm stone of his other boy’s final marker. In that moment he knew that he faced losing Dakota and felt the panic inside but the fires that flickered inside refused to die, just as his faith had refused to go quietly away.

“There is no answer Dakota, except that if you believe, eventually the answers will come. You aren’t asking anything I haven’t asked…”

“Then how can you still believe in God? How can…”

“I have to, because I suppose if I didn’t believe in him anymore I’d have to believe that Montana is here now, his body rotting into nothing and that the pain he suffered was all he would know, because Dakota to believe in God I can at least have some hope that he is not suffering anymore, that what happened to him wasn’t his final feelings on earth, that he isn’t really gone.”

“But… it doesn’t…”

“No it isn’t rational, it isn’t logic, but in my heart son, it feels right. Faith isn’t for when things are good, it is easy to believe in God then, but faith, real faith is believing in him when things aren’t good. I have to believe, for me not to, I can’t imagine what it would be otherwise… can’t you see? If there is no God, then Montana died in pain, there is no escape for him, can’t you see that?”

“But why all this then? Why?”

“I don’t know, guess maybe some priest or expert could give you a better reason, even then I kind of doubt if it would be any more real than what I believe. I know it is true, how I know I can only say cause inside, where it all counts, where there is no place to hide from the truth, it feels right.”

“I don’t feel that”

“Don’t you? I think you do, but I also think you are afraid of it, the truth isn’t always kind, is it?”

“You really believe Montana is at peace?”

“Yes”

“You think he can see us now? Sitting here?”

“I don’t know, I think whatever Montana’s soul was, I think that is watching us, yes.”

He sat there next to his father and brother, wondering if the pain he was feeling was like his dad said. Was he trying to run away from the truth? Maybe it was that, maybe it was that he really wasn’t sure what the truth was. All he knew for certain was that he cared for Noah, that he missed Montana. That he knew, as to the rest, it was all a mess inside.

Part of him wanted to have what everyone else had. He wanted to walk down a street and hold hands, kiss when he felt like it or just walk with Noah’s head on his shoulder. That was what he wanted, dreamed of having. For a brief time last night he thought it might happen. At least where they were it was safe, but school, that was something else. He could never do that at school without fighting at least once every day.

That was what scared him. He had been in fights, and okay yeah he did okay and won them, but it still fucking hurt afterwards. So what if he won, eventually someone bigger or tougher would come along then what? Would Noah still want him if he were damaged goods? Hell would Noah want him if he lost, never mind how he looked afterwards?

Maybe he would but sitting there, feeling the sun on his face and body, he knew there was more to it. Noah might not mind him losing a fight or two, but what would he think if he not only lost the fight but as a result Noah got the crap kicked of him too? How would he look at him then? Would the feelings he had now turn into hate or disappointment? Hate he could maybe handle, disappointing Noah was something totally different.

As he sat there he also knew that if he did manage to keep things going with Noah that eventually it would change. He couldn’t explain it but he knew that the pressure that everyone at school would put on them would be constant. There is no way guys like Hector would let it go and if he was right, guys like Rusty would keep pushing those like Hector. It was how they got their jollies. He had seen it with Montana, and he had to admit that if Montana hadn’t gotten sick, that he most likely would have quit school or maybe worse.

The pain and emptiness inside his heart only grew more intense sitting by his dad and his brother’s grave. He was both angry and scared at the same time, uncertain what to do. The look in Noah’s eyes as he had left told him that if he could, he’d fight his parents till eventually they gave in. That meant that no matter what he would be looking at a rough year at school, for both him and Noah. Then there was Arizona to think about. She was a true Northwood and no doubt she’d throw in her two cents if people picked on him and Noah.

God that would be all his folks would need. Him to come home battered or hurt every night and his sister too. How much could his folks take? They weren’t exactly young and besides, losing Montana seemed to have knocked the life from them. His dad never laughed really, his mom barely ever smiled a real smile. How could he do that to them when most likely Noah would dump him in the end?

Okay maybe he wouldn’t, but Noah didn’t know how rough it could get. He had no clue as to how mean kids could be. He was already choked by just some spray painting on the locker, how would he feel when his locker would be trashed and all over the floor? How would he feel when kids would make fag jokes in class and the teacher laugh along with the others? He had seen it, he knew how it felt and right now, right now he just wished the whole world would simply blow up or something.

For a brief time he had felt normal, felt like everything bad had suddenly been pushed away. Why couldn’t it have stayed like that? His eyes searched upwards, almost as if he was asking God. Okay he had thought that he didn’t believe, but like his dad said, you had to have something. Maybe he should give God another chance or maybe he should just grow up and accept that life sucked? All he knew was how much it hurt to think of going back to school tomorrow, of maybe having to face Noah and finding out that they couldn’t see each other anymore, or worse that they could. God how could he think this way? Didn’t he care about Noah or did he care for his own ass more?

Was he a coward? The thought had entered his mind a few times last night. Why did it matter so much this time if he got into fights? Why did it matter if he lost or not? It never really mattered before but now it bugged him. Maybe before it was just him and he never had thought about how it affected his parents or even Montana? Could it be that? Still, if he was really in love with Noah, shouldn’t he not be worried about this stuff? Shouldn’t he be more worried about what Noah’s parents might do or that they might not be allowed to see each other?

“I am scared”

“I know son”

“No, I don’t think you do, I mean I am scared of fighting”

“Of fighting or of fighting for Noah?”

“Both I guess”

“You afraid of losing?”

“A bit, but no, I think its something else, I just don’t know what”

“You not sure Noah is worth it?”

“I don’t know… maybe, or maybe that I am not worth it?”

Gary sat there with his head tilted upwards and his eyes blurred by the rays of the sun. The pain in his chest was real as he listened to the soft voice of his son knowing how much he was in pain. He didn’t know the answers to give him either which only increased his own feelings of guilt. He was supposed to help his boys but so far all he had done was lose one and now was maybe going to lose another one.

To tell him to walk away was on his lips but was that what he should say? To tell his son to back off would mean a lot less headaches for Dakota but also for him. Was he willing to tell him that because he believed it was the right course for his boy or was it because it would mean less trouble for him? God how do you know the truth he wondered, how?

Oh he had spoken the right words, about faith and everything but here he was, once more trying to wrestle with the truth and not knowing which way to turn. Did Dakota really feel that Noah might not be the one or was that simply his fear? Did he maybe worry about what his love with this boy might do to all of them so he was trying to find a way to back out?

If Dakota really did believe that Noah wasn’t the one for him then he needed to spare them all the grief that would come from seeing him now. If that was for real, if deep in his heart he really was unsure then he had to tell Dakota to back off, but was it real? There was no way for him to know or was there? His eyes narrowed as he stared upwards, searching his memory for something that was nagging at him, something that might help him give Dakota the right answers.

“You have been thinking about this since his parents came or before?”

“Kind of before, just before I guess”

“Why? Did he do something, say something?”

He really wasn’t sure how to explain it to his dad. Was it that he said it or was it maybe more than that? All he knew was that he got a chill when he heard school but if he was honest, it wasn’t really what he said as to what he thought. God was he hopeless but maybe if he talked about it, maybe he could figure it out?

“Said… it was about school”

“I see”

“I don’t, am I being a coward?”

He could hear the pain in his son’s voice. Worse he could even see it in his face. Gary’s heart ached too as he realized that there was a lot more to this. His instincts told him that it really wasn’t Noah had said or maybe not even what he had or hadn’t done, but that maybe Dakota was feeling tired, already beaten by all that had gone on with Montana. For a moment he once more hated this whole gay stuff, wishing for a mere instant that Dakota were normal. Then as the idea crept in he felt the shame too, because Dakota was normal, to say he wasn’t just because he was gay was being like all the others. God, what a world he thought as he tried to figure out how to answer his son. Part of him knew some of what he said was from fear, but was that it? Maybe some was from Dakota simply being tired, exhausted from having to be something he wasn’t and it was wearing him down.

“Depends I suppose on why you feel this way, sometimes you have to walk away, but tell me, why did you bring Noah out to the house? I don’t think you ever brought anyone home, why him?”

“I dunno, seemed right I suppose”

“He that good in, uh, he good as a… shit, he good in bed?”

“No… not really I guess, maybe in time, uh… this is weird, I don’t… I mean…”

Christ how do you talk about sex with your son when you didn’t even know what his kind of sex was? He had some idea but he just couldn’t quite figure it all out, still maybe that was part of this whole thing for Dakota, then again in his heart he was pretty well certain it had nothing to do with sex. He had to make sure and maybe in the process help Dakota realize that as well.

“Yeah but, well I know, feels damn strange talking to your dad about your gay partner, still… I mean, well if he isn’t that good, why then? Why bring him home to us?”

“It isn’t that I didn’t enjoy it, actually I did, I suppose you could say that it felt the best but wasn’t… I don’t know, shit. I never felt so good as when we were doing it, but after, I mean the actual stuff… it wasn’t done like… like it should be…”

“You mean emotionally he can’t be beat but in the style or technique he stunk?”

“Christ that sounds so… but yeah, I guess that is what I mean”

“Maybe he’s not as experienced as you?”

“God no he isn’t, this was uh, this was his first time”

“Oh shit”

“Yeah… maybe I rushed him and well, I don’t know, maybe he, damn I don’t know, it seemed so right then, but later, in thinking about it…”

“After he mentioned school?”

Was his dad trying to tell him he was a coward? Okay yeah the sex had been super, not sure how else he could describe it okay in style, maybe it wasn’t the best, but so what? Wasn’t it how he felt that counted and he knew, deep down he knew that what he had felt had been real. So was it the sex?

Staring at his feet he could feel his insides again, feel that strange glow that Noah gave him when they touched. There was no mistaking how that felt and yet here he was, trying to make out like it felt less than it was. Was it a way to make him feel better about what he was thinking?

“Kind of”

“Until then you didn’t care if his uh, his style was off?”

“No, never thought about it, I just… I don’t know, I feel so confused. I want to be with him, least part of me says I do, but then, well part of me says I am asking for trouble”

“Trouble or getting beaten up?”

For just a second he wanted to scream out yes, but he bit his tongue instead. Couldn’t his father understand that it was more than just that? How could he not be afraid of getting the crap kicked out of him or worse. Sure he wanted Noah, but he wasn’t sure if he could handle the responsibility it meant. Was he really just afraid of fighting or that he wasn’t sure if he loved Noah? Either way he guessed he was fucked.

“Maybe that, but no, not really. I guess I keep seeing him, beaten up and looking at me so disappointed, like I let him down”

“You didn’t beat him up”

“No, but if I lose the fights he could get hurt, then it would be my fault. Don’t you see? I don’t want to have him disappointed in me, I’d rather he hate me instead”

“So if you tell him you don’t love him, he will be safe, he won’t get hurt and you won’t get into fights you might lose, which means he won’t get hurt or disappointed in you, is that it?”

“Yeah, guess so”

“So all this talk about him not pleasing you, that’s what?”

“I don’t know, being stupid?”

“No, maybe its trying to convince yourself that you don’t care for him like you know you do, makes it easier to get him to hate you then doesn’t it?”

He did care for him though, so how could it be that? Why didn’t he understand that he just didn’t want to be the one who had to do all this? Maybe it was that he was sure how he felt, just that he wasn’t so sure about Noah? Hell he was Noah’s first, maybe it was just infatuation or something? Maybe it was because they came from two different types of life, or maybe he just wasn’t certain that Noah would stand by him?

“No, well maybe a bit”

“Also gives you a good excuse for trying to hide that hurt you have inside, that hole where you keep his feelings. That way when you miss him and it aches so much, you can have an excuse all ready, that he really wasn’t good in bed, or his hair was too short, or something, right?”

“No, you make it sound so cruel, I don’t think like that, I care for him, I just don’t want to fight, I don’t want to get him hurt because I lose, I’d rather remember him as it was up in the tree house than him lying somewhere being disappointed cause I couldn’t lick some dude, it is for him…”

“Him or for you?”

“Me? No, I can handle a few bruises and stuff”

“I know, I know too that Montana could as well but even he was reaching his end when he got the news. God only knows how it would have all played out if he hadn’t gotten sick, and that Dakota is what worries you now, isn’t it?”

Yes okay? That was some of it, he had seen it and felt it. He had seen the pain in his brother each time he had to go to school, saw the fear that he tried to hide from everyone. Yes that was it, part of it anyhow. He didn’t want to feel like dirt all day long. What was so wrong in just wanting to go on as things were, without risking everyone knowing? Yes he wanted Noah too but Noah couldn’t keep it quiet, there was no way he wouldn’t let something slip, then what? Couldn’t his dad understand that simple thing, he didn’t want to be gay?

“Some I suppose”

“A lot maybe? Maybe you wonder what Noah would do, maybe all this is simply that you don’t care for him, maybe he was just a what, a quick romp? Is that how you look at him?”

“NO! Shit I don’t think of him that way, he is more than that. Christ he has a smile to die for, and he’s smart too, you don’t know how smart he is. There are lots of things about him that I like, stuff like how he laughs, the way he smells even. I know its hard to imagine, but he has talent too, he can act and he might not be good at sports but he can do lots of other stuff and…”

“And yet you want to dump him”

He just didn’t understand it. Noah was everything a guy could want, could even ask for even. Trouble was, deep down in his own heart he felt dirty, felt ashamed of being just what Noah wasn’t afraid of. He didn’t want to be gay, he didn’t’ want to go thru his whole life wondering if the person would find out or if they would attack him. He just wanted to be like all the others, go thru school and not worry about fighting, not worry about who would be next. Was that so wrong or selfish? Yes he wanted Noah, but damn it why couldn’t Noah be a girl and he normal?

“No, it is just… damn I wish I knew what to say”

“Say what is in your heart son, forget the logic, Christ if I listened to my brain back when I was first met your mother none of you kids would have been born”

“What does that… I don’t see how…”

“Dakota, faith isn’t just about God, faith is about believing in what you can’t see or in what doesn’t make sense. Your heart is telling you how it feels, your mind is telling you it doesn’t make sense, that it is risky, dangerous even but if you have faith in what your heart says, if you have faith in that love you feel for him, then all this worry won’t amount to a hill of beans”

“But what if I am not good enough for him? What if I fail him? What if…”

“What if a bus hits you, what if a tornado comes and takes us all away or what if you are good enough for him?”

“Or not?”

He looked over at his son and wondered what it was that was eating at him. Dakota had never seemed so insecure before or dejected either. Even Montana’s death hadn’t made him seem this lost, this confused. Looking at him he tried to reach inside, to try and find that one spot where the truth lay. Could Dakota be a coward was one thought but he had seen him, seen how he had this way that no coward could have. No, Dakota wasn’t a coward in that sense. He would fight if pushed, if he had reason to so what then?

Staring at the boy’s face he could see the fear in his eyes but there was something else as well. There was hatred in the eyes but for what he wasn’t sure. It wasn’t Noah or him so what? What was making his son want to pass up an opportunity that may never come his way again? It was hard enough in the straight world to find a companion, doubly harder in his son’s world. Why would he give up something that he even admitted felt right, felt good?

“Dakota…”

They both turned around at the sudden voice that came to them. Gary saw a tall man standing a bit behind the young boy and he could see the lines of strain on his face even from here. His heart ached as he saw the warm glow on the boy’s face as he waited for Dakota to answer him. Inside he knew it wasn’t the right time, that it was not a blessing.

Dakota seemed to jump at the sound of his name from behind and as he turned and saw Noah standing there, his heart felt like it would break apart. God this wasn’t what he wanted, not now. There was still so much he wanted to think about, to get straight but then looking at him seeing him standing there he knew that now was just as good as any other time.

“Noah… how, I mean…”

“We went to your place first, your mom told us how to get here… uh, you okay?”

“Uh… yeah, yeah I am fine, uh, your dad, does this mean that…”

“He’s cool Dakota, he isn’t going to stop us… I told you, didn’t I?”

“Uh yeah, yeah you did…”

Why wasn’t Dakota jumping up and down? He looked so sad, so unhappy that his own joy began to weaken a little. He hadn’t been sure what he expected but this wasn’t it. Something was up but he still couldn’t quite feel what. He was just too excited by the change of events and all he could think about was sharing it with Dakota. Hell part of him was hoping that he could stay the night with him, and maybe this time he could, well maybe this time he would last longer.

All the way here all he could think about was how good it would feel to put his arms around Dakota. He could almost taste the salt that would come from having Dakota’s mouth pressed against his as they would hug and kiss and all of that but now, now that seemed just a distant dream as Dakota only stared up at him, hardly even moving.

“What’s wrong? You don’t sound thrilled… didn’t you understand? My folks, they aren’t going…”

“I understand, uh, shit… let’s go over there, okay?”

“Okay, but…”

“Please”

Noah felt a cold chill creep into his body at the pleading word that came from Dakota. He had slowly stood up, as if he was dreading having to stand next to him even. Something was wrong and for a moment or two he was certain it had to do with Dakota’s own parents. Maybe they objected to him, but he could handle that. If he could convince his parents that they were right for each other, he could convince Dakota’s.

They walked down the hill a bit and then Dakota turned to look at Noah. He could see the shining face and glowing eyes which only made him hurt even more. He knew he had no choice really even though he doubted if anyone would understand. Maybe if Montana was still here he might but maybe not even him. He sighed as he let his eyes stare down at the grass instead of looking into Noah’s face.

“Look Noah, uh, I been thinking…”

“Me too, I know that…”

“Let me talk okay?”

There was a sharpness to Dakota’s voice that only made him tremble more. He felt a coldness deep inside his heart as he tried to look at Dakota, but instead Dakota kept looking away. Noah felt panic as he wondered what had happened, wondering why suddenly he felt so alone, so empty inside. All the way here he had felt like nothing could stop him from being with Dakota, with the person he loved. Now it all felt like he was about to have his whole world once more explode in his face. First his parents last night and now Dakota?

“Uh yeah, okay, what is it? I get the idea you aren’t… your dad doesn’t want us to be together, is that it?”

“No, he is okay with it”

“Oh good, man you had me worried”

“Noah it is me, okay? Me. I don’t want to us to be together, okay?”

Noah stood there, silent as his eyes opened wide and he stared at Dakota. The wind seemed to rustle the tree behind him a bit louder or maybe it was the sound of his heart breaking into a million pieces, he wasn’t sure which. He shook his head as if maybe he had heard wrong, but looking at Dakota he knew he heard him right. It didn’t make sense as he felt a strange dullness in the pit of his stomach. Where he had felt nothing but joy was now empty of any feeling. The sun was shining but to his eyes it felt like he was suddenly caught in a black hole of space. There was no light or warmth as he stood there, his body trembling as the words banged around inside of him, cutting him into tiny pieces.

“Huh? Dakota… what?”

“I can’t, I just can’t be, I know that it is maybe the worst mistake but I can’t Noah, I just can’t”

“But last night… why? What did I do? You have to tell me, please Dakota…”

“I just don’t want a boyfriend, I thought I did, I am sorry, but…”

“No, no that isn’t it, what is it? Tell me… Christ was I that bad last night, I can learn to be better, give me a chance, please…”

Why couldn’t he just accept what he said? Christ he was such a drama, no, no that was wrong, it wasn’t Noah’s fault for this, it was his and he felt the pain inside. Just like his dad said, he was using excuses to make it easier but he couldn’t help it. He just didn’t want to be gay, how could he tell Noah that? How could he tell anyone that who he was wasn’t what he wanted? It wasn’t like anyone could change it for him, not even God if there was one. Maybe that was why he didn’t believe anymore, because all his prayers and wishes had fallen on a deaf ear?

Dakota shivered a little as he glanced up at Noah’s pain riddled face. He could see the tears already rolling down his face and he wanted to just reach out, grab him and hug him and tell him to forget it, that he did want him but he held back, knowing that this was the right thing to do. He couldn’t let him go on thinking it would work when inside he knew it couldn’t. His own heart ached as he looked back at the grass, wishing it would just open and swallow him up, knowing too that it wouldn’t.

“No it isn’t that, you were awesome, I just, I just don’t want a boyfriend, I uh, I don’t want to be tied down to one person… that is all”

“But… that isn’t what you said, there has to be something else, please, I don’t want to be a part from you Dakota, God please…”

“It just isn’t what I want.. I thought I did but I don’t, there isn’t any other reason, honest”

The shock was making him shake as he stood there. His whole world was suddenly gone and he didn’t know why. Everything he had hoped for seemed within reach this morning and now it simply didn’t even exist. How could Dakota have changed so much in such a short time? He loved him, he had said so only last night and yet now, now it seemed like he could barely stand to look at him. What had he done? What?

“I don’t believe you”

“It’s the truth Noah, besides, you’ll find someone else, you are cute”

It was like a light had gone off. He stepped back a step in disbelieve. Could it be that he had been wrong about Dakota? He didn’t think so but it was almost as if all he was to Dakota was a fuck. That was impossible but he had read about that, how some guys liked virgins and their tight Asses. Could that be all that Dakota had been wanting, to have his dick in Noah’s virgin ass?

The pain and confusion began to turn to anger as he heard the words echo in his head. How could Dakota say that, didn’t he know that he loved him? Did he really think that all Noah had wanted was to get fucked? Shit how could he do that to him? He had tried and all Dakota could say was that he was cute? Cute?

“Is that all I am to you? Cute?”

“No, but… I am sorry”

“Fuck that… Christ do you know what kind of hell I went through last night? I fought for us, I risked getting thrown out of my home for us, how can you just… how?”

Why couldn’t Noah let it go? It was over, there were plenty of other guys for him to drool over, why did he seem so fixed on it being him? Christ, he had lots of others, none of them made this kind of fuss before, so why did Noah have to? His own anger flashed out as he finally let his eyes meet Noah’s.

“Look, I didn’t ask you to do any of that, don’t blame me for that.”

“Who should I blame? Christ, you make it sound like all I was was some fuck, is that it? Was I just some tight ass that you wanted to fuck?”

“I guess, if that’s what you want to think”

“What else am I supposed to think?”

“Look, at least I am telling you now before it got worse, okay? Can’t we just leave it at that?”

“Yeah I guess we can. Fuck Dakota, I thought you were special, God I only wanted to please you, how can you…”

“It isn’t you Noah, it is me, okay? I know you are pissed but later, well, later maybe you’ll know that this was for the best”

“So you say”

“Yeah”

“FUCK You!”

He turned and ran up the hill, pushing past Dakota’s dad and past his own father who stared at him with his mouth open. He had heard some of what was being said and he didn’t know what to do. His eyes looked at Dakota’s father with a puzzled look and all he could get was a deep sense of sadness. Something had gone on but he didn’t know exactly what. He saw his son rushing past with tears streaming down his face and all he could think of was how much he wished he had never heard of this Dakota or their whole twisted family.

Without a word he turned and followed his son away from the two others. He didn’t know what had happened but inside he felt a bit relieved. At least now he wouldn’t have to worry about coming home tomorrow to find out if his son had been beaten up or not. At least for now he wouldn’t have to worry all night if his son would be hurt or if he was using proper precautions when with that boy. He shook his head as he trudged along the manicured grass feeling thankful on the one hand, angry and hurt on the other.

This whole gay stuff was too much to comprehend. Part of him was relieved at the turn of events while an other part was outraged. Didn’t that Dakota boy know what he was missing out on? Didn’t he know how good of a person his son was? Well it was his loss and not Noah’s and he knew that he would have a tough time trying to explain that to Noah. God why was life so damn hard on the kids?

Gary watched Noah and his father leave. His heart felt heavy as he turned from them to stare over at his own son. Part of him felt relief and yet even as he tried to make it seem okay, he knew deep down that what Dakota had done was a mistake, even perhaps wrong. There was no doubt that Dakota was confused and scared but still, Noah had been a bright spot in his life until he had to face reality. Now he had turned that bright spot away, and for what? It was only postponing reality because eventually his son would be found out, didn’t he know that?

“Son…”

“Please dad, not now”

“No, I am sorry, I know you are hurting…”

He just wanted to run, to run and keep on running until his legs gave out. Why did he have to be here, why did he have to go through all this? Wasn’t it bad enough that he just ruined whatever hope he ever had at being happy? Wasn’t it enough that he had hurt the one person who loved him for him? God wasn’t it bad enough to have lost his brother, but now this?

“Dad Please! Not now”

“Dakota, you can’t run from it”

“I can try”

“At what cost son?”

“Any cost”

“Even your soul?”

“I have no soul”

“No?”

“No”

“Then why are you crying?”

He stared up at his father who had slowly made his way down to where he had been standing. He could feel the love in the man’s face and he wished he knew what to do, it felt so hard to be who he was. Why didn’t it feel better now? Why was he crying?

All he wanted was to be happy, to not have to worry about what he said or how it might be taken. He just wanted to run and laugh like anyone else, to feel the love of someone and to love someone. Why did it have to be a guy? Why did he have to be different? Wasn’t it enough for God to have made Montana that way, why did he have to make him that way too? He didn’t want to be gay, he just wanted to have what everyone else had and now he knew that he never would. There would be no walks in the woods, no hugs when he felt sore or hurt, no kisses to help make the day seem brighter and all because he was a coward. All because all he could think of was himself but how could he love Noah if he couldn’t love himself? How could he stand up for Noah and him when he himself didn’t want to be gay?

Gary reached out and gently tilted up his son’s chin, looking him in the eyes and he could see the pain deep within him. He could feel his pain now and it made him tremble as he put his hand on Dakota’s shoulder and leaned forward to kiss him lightly on his forehead. He let the tall blonde boy fall into his arms and he could feel the sobs as the tears that flowed from his son’s eyes drenched his shirt.

His arms wrapped around the trembling figure and he felt Dakota’s own arms suddenly close around his waist. He felt their strength as they dug deep into his body and held on as if life itself depended it. The deep sobs only told him how much agony his son was in and he looked upwards, wishing he knew what to do. His lips parted slightly as he prayed silently, begging God to give him the strength and wisdom on what to do for his son. He felt his own tears now rolling down his face as he too hung on, knowing that it was no longer in his control.

Chapter 10

Saturday

11:40 p.m.

He could hear his mother in the kitchen as he stared back at his father, seeing something in his eyes but not sure what it was. At first it looked like maybe hate, or anger but then it didn’t feel that way. For a second or two he thought it might even be something like understanding or maybe just wanting to understand. All he knew for certain was that his father had yanked him away from what should have been the best night of his life, the first time when he really felt happy. His own anger was real, he could feel it bubbling away inside churning his stomach.

Nothing really made much sense to him; so many different things were running thru his mind as he sat there, waiting for the shoe to fall. All he knew was that he wouldn’t accept it, that no matter what his parents said he would see Dakota again and they would be together. How he wasn’t sure of, but inside where it mattered he knew it would happen. His face grew sombre as he felt the tension rising, felt his father’s anger or confusion or whatever the hell it was that his dad was feeling reaching for him.

His eyes lifted upwards to stare at the man he called dad. Noah could see the anger flash in the eyes but also he felt the confusion now. It was like his father was waging some inner fight, some war or something and yet he couldn’t quite figure out what it was that had him so pissed. Okay, so his son was gay, why should that matter or make him any less his son? Did who you sleep with really change who a person was? Didn’t his dad understand that who he was right now, this very second, was still the same person he had been this morning?

Okay it maybe was a shock, maybe he should have talked to them about what he was feeling and stuff like that. Trouble was how did you go to your parents and tell them that hey I like guys not girls? Man he could just see the reaction that would have gotten, still maybe he should have thought about it a bit more, tried to find a way to tell them. Noah sat there, his head lowered once more as he tried to figure out why it was so hard for everyone to believe and accept? Would they be this angry with him if they had found out he was having sex with some cheerleader? He kind of doubted they wouldn’t, in fact he kind of thought his dad would be proud, chest out and all while at the same time telling him to be careful, to use condoms but he would be happy inside, so why was this so different?

In some ways Dakota was a catch, hell the guy was hot plus he was an athlete, so why should his father make it seem dirty, seem wrong? It wasn’t like he woke up and said ‘hey I want to do guys now’ or some other shit. He had always felt this way but it wasn’t until just now that he realized exactly what it was he was feeling. Couldn’t his parents understand that or were they so old they couldn’t?

Christ he had to be nuts he thought. What difference did it make what or why, he was about to lose the best thing that ever happened to him and here he was, sitting moaning about maybe he should have talked to them first or something? Fuck was he already giving in or accepting the blame for this? His heart ached as he sat there, afraid that maybe he wouldn’t be able to talk his way out of this, but then he scolded himself for even thinking like that. He hadn’t done anything wrong, so why did he feel guilty? Why did loving another guy need to be such a secret? If it was some girl, he’d have mouthed off without any trouble, any worry really and they wouldn’t have been shocked, wouldn’t have been pissed or angry or anything, so was it wrong? Was he really doing something unnatural as some of those on the news said?

“Noah?”

“What?”

“I am waiting for an answer son”

“Oh… “

“That’s it?”

“I guess”

Nathan stared at his son’s face, seeing the resentment in his eyes. He could even feel the animosity, something he never expected to feel coming form his own flesh and blood, not from his Noah. There was something very different about Noah, something that made him pause, made his heart slow its wild angry beat as he tried to figure it all out. It just didn’t make any sense to him, how a perfectly normal teenage boy could suddenly be queer?

“Look, being insolent isn’t going to help you, now I asked you a civil question young man and I expect a proper answer”

Somehow he never quite expected this moment to be like this. For starters he figured his mother would be in tears and his father would be shouting and waving his fists in the air like a madman. None of that was happening so far which made him uneasy. It wasn’t going like all the stuff said it would, the books and articles he had managed to find. There was no temper tantrums though his father’s face certainly looked it would burst at times. It was all rather calm considering which only made his heart quicken its beat more. The shoe had to fall, there was no way that his dad would take this calmly or quietly. For the first time he grew frightened, wondering what he would do if they tossed him out, wondering where he would go or where he could go.

The idea that he might suddenly be out on the street only got his anger hotter. Why couldn’t they just accept who he was? What difference was it to them anyways, they had their lives and all he wanted was his. Why should they feel they could tell him who he cared for and who he didn’t? Couldn’t they see he was the same Noah, the same son he always was? Did being gay and them knowing suddenly change that? His anger was boiling as his eyes narrowed. He stared at his father’s demanding face as he spoke in a short clipped voice.

“Fine, Yes I am angry, yes I am mad, what did you expect? You think I am still some 2 year old or something. I am not. I am not going to stop seeing him either”

“No one… damn it Noah, why are you making this so hard?”

“ME? What about you and Mom? Yanking me away like I was some 5 year old who dropped his pants, I am 16, I know what sex is”

“Do you? I doubt that, and we didn’t yank you, we have… we needed to, I mean…”

He had never seen his father this confused before. It was seeing a whole new person right in front of him but he didn’t look any different. He still had that same face, the same piercing eyes, the same way of standing when he was angry, yet he looked and sounded so different. It felt strange to him, to realize that something he did had caused this change. For a minute or two he felt sorry for his father then the image of being ordered into the car flashed before him. The anger rose up as he glared even harder. His hands clenched at his side as he spoke, recalling the humiliation he had endured at this man’s hands only a short time earlier.

“Yes? You needed what? To find out if your precious son is a fag? Well HE IS! So now what? Lock me in my room? Send for a shrink? What?”

“With that attitude you just may spend some time alone in your room…”

“Fine, I’ll go now then, at least there I won’t have to listen to any of this”

“You SIT DOWN! NOW!”

“WHY?”

The insolence was too much for him. Something inside snapped as his face grew hot and his hands balled up into fists. His anger was boiling over as he glared back at the defiant stare of his son. Didn’t the kid realize who was the parent here? Didn’t he realize that he was the transgressor? They had been to lenient with him, that was the problem. They should have disciplined him more when he was younger, this was the thanks you got for trying to be a caring parent, insolence. His voice snapped as he raised his voice, hearing its loud shrill tone echo across the room.

“I AM STILL YOUR FATHER… NOW SIT!”

“Fine, but it isn’t going to do any good, you can’t change how I feel, no more than you can change who I am.”

“I don’t… who said anything about changing you? Damn, where do you get all this? Did that… that boy tell you all this? Did he?”

“His name is Dakota”

“Fine, whatever, did Dakota tell you all this?”

“NO, he didn’t tell me anything, I came up with this all on my own”

“How? You can’t know, I mean… shit…”

“Nathan!”

His wife’s voice startled him as he turned to stare at her. She stood there, her eyes wide open in shock at the scene before her. He could feel her fear too as she looked at him, almost pleading with him to make this all go away, but how? He wished it would to, wished with all his heart that she hadn’t heard Noah earlier, wished she hadn’t gone and talked to the boy’s mother. Trouble was, she had and now he had to deal with it. He couldn’t just ignore it not if he truly loved his son.

“What? I am sorry, but he’s only 16, how can he know?”

“I don’t know, but can’t we just all sit down and discuss this rationally? I mean, we are supposed to be a family…”

“I am sorry, you are right, Noah, look, son, let us just, discuss this like your mother says, okay?”

“Fine, but… fine”

The silence was deafening to her as she watched the rigid stance of her husband and the angry stares of her son. How could their loving family suddenly be torn apart like this? What was it about a boy’s thinking he was gay that could turn loving father and son into enemies? It was only last weekend when the two of them had surprised her and squirted her with the garden hose, laughing and giggling like schoolgirls and now look at them? Could Noah thinking he was gay cause all this in such a short time? If it did, then they had to put a stop to it, she couldn’t live like this.

“Noah, your father and I, we are just trying to look out for your best interests, all this, this talk of uh, of…”

“Being queer?”

He had been about to sit down when his son had said that word. For the life of him he didn’t know why but the sound of that word infuriated him. It was like a red flag or something as he spoke up harshly, commanding the respect that his son should have been showing them both automatically. Hell his own father would have knocked his block off if he had dared talk to him like this. Didn’t Noah realize how lucky he was to have parents who didn’t believe in such things? Couldn’t he see that they cared? Was he that blind or that hoodwinked by some fancy talking horny teenager?

“Noah knock it off, how are we supposed to know what words to use? This is new to us, we never, I never, I mean…”

“Never thought your own son would turn out to be a fag? That’s what you mean isn’t it”

“DAMN IT YES! Okay? Happy now?”

“Nathan…”

“I am sorry dear, but he wants to provoke me, I don’t know, what is it Noah, this what your, your friend suggested? Attack the people you love? Is that it?”

Love? Is that what they called this treatment? Dakota loved him; at least he didn’t force him to do things he didn’t want to. Why couldn’t they see that he wasn’t bad, they didn’t even know him and yet they were judging him. It wasn’t fair and Dakota wasn’t here to defend himself. Noah could feel the hair on the back of his neck standing up as his father’s words struck home. His anger grew hotter as he glared and yelled back.

“NO! Stop making it out like he is some creep, he cares for me, more than you seem to”

It felt like someone had struck a knife into her chest. The anger was so real, so harsh and it didn’t make sense. Why did he suddenly feel like they were against him? Her mind couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to her sweet baby boy and then she glanced at her husband, saw the exact same anger on his face too and she grew frightened. She couldn’t explain it but she felt like her whole world had suddenly exploded in her face. This wasn’t how she imagined it would be as she tried once more to bring peace to the room.

“Noah! How can you say that about your father and me? We raised you, we have always cared for you, maybe you are just too confused right now”

“NO, I am not!”

“Son, you are only 16, how can you know if you are… if you are gay?”

“I just do! Tell me something, would we even be having this talk if Dakota was a girl?”

“Well… no, we wouldn’t, doesn’t that tell you something son?”

“Yeah, tells me that there are two standards, one for all normal types, another for us fags”

It seemed like his son wanted to push the buttons, wanted to anger him and he knew he shouldn’t argue, shouldn’t yell back but he couldn’t help himself. Every part of his body was on edge and the pain in his chest was growing too as he looked into the angry face of his son. How dare he, he thought as his mind tried to make sense, tried to figure out why his son was acting this way. At the same time he couldn’t explain why the harsh angry words struck such a discord inside either. Why should the words queer or fag upset him so much? Could he really believe deep down that Noah was gay and so those words offended him because they most certainly offended his son? Was he that willing to accept Noah being that?

“STOP That! Damn it Noah I don’t want to hear that talk, we are trying, the least you can do is try as well”

“Trying? Trying to what Dad? To convince me to change?”

“Well, I suppose… no, I don’t know, maybe to help your mother and me understand, to uh…”

“I can’t change who I am dad. I am gay, okay? That is who I am”

“Noah dear, how can you know that? You haven’t gone on any dates, I mean, maybe you just think you are because, well because you are shy, and maybe…”

It felt strange to be sitting here and seeing their faces, listening to them as they tried to figure out why he was gay. When did he know he was gay? Was it last week or was it years ago? How could he explain to them when he didn’t know himself? It wasn’t like he woke up one day knowing he was this way but that was what they wanted to hear, hell it was what he’d like to hear as well. Trouble was, he just didn’t know when it happened. All he knew for certain was that he was gay, that girls did nothing for him and boys did. Could it really be that simple and if so, how the hell was he going to explain that to them?

“Come on mom, you know that isn’t true, I just don’t like girls, why is it so hard for you both to accept that?”

“For starters son, because this is the first we have heard of it, why didn’t you come to us before this? Why did your mother have to find out by… I mean did you expect us to find out and just say nothing?”

“No, I guess not, but…”

“But what son? We are your parents, haven’t we always told you that you could come to us with anything? Haven’t we always tried to listen, aren’t we now?”

“Sure, after you dragged me away, you could have waited till I got home tomorrow, you didn’t have to come and embarrass me like you did”

“Embarrass you? Christ… how do you think I felt? Coming home and hearing you are out with some guy, that you were planning to have sex? How do you think I felt?”

“So what, you are saying if I had told you about Dakota and me, you would have let me go?”

“Hell No! oh shit, I don’t know… maybe but no, probably not”

She saw the sudden tensing of Noah’s body and grew alarmed. All this talk about being gay was unnerving to her and as much as she had tried to understand it, she just couldn’t grasp it. How could her son be gay? Her husband was all man, even now after so many years of marriage he still could make her weak at the knees, so how could Noah be gay? It sure as hell didn’t come from her or Nate, so from where did he pick this up?

Her eyes were brimming with tears as she tried to play peacemaker once again. It wasn’t easy either as she realized that in some way she just wanted to send Noah to his room and lock the door until he came to his senses. Another part of her wanted to shake him and make him see sense. It was all to confusing but this was her family, her husband and her son so she sighed and leaned forward, desperate to ease the tension between her two men.

“Noah, what your father is trying to say is that, well, we would have wanted to discuss this with you more, and that, well, maybe for now we would have preferred you not to go, right Nathan?”

“No Rachel, it isn’t like that, I don’t get this, Noah you never, how can you be that way? You played sports, okay so you weren’t good at it, still you played it, you watch the Monday night game with me, how can you be gay?”

“Gee I don’t know Dad, didn’t know being gay meant I couldn’t enjoy football or sports, sorry”

Just for a brief instant he wanted to reach out and slap the smug insolent look off his son’s face. That thought scared him more than the idea of Noah being gay did and he shivered a little, feeling the fear inside growing. How could he even think of striking his boy? Was he that sick inside, that angry that he could dare to think of something like that? It frightened him to the point that he leaned back in the chair, his hands digging hard into the arms of the chair, a desperate effort to keep them still.

“That isn’t what I meant, why are you twisting everything Noah? This is hard enough son, please…”

“Me twist everything? What about you and Mom? You think because I like football I can’t be gay? What, you figure gays only like what, knitting and cooking, playing with Barbie dolls or something?”

She had seen Nate’s sudden move backwards and it made her heart skip a beat or two. She suddenly saw stark fear in his face and it made her blink as she wondered what it was he had been thinking. She followed his eyes towards her son’s face and it dawned on her how serious this was. Her own anger suddenly flared up as she fought for the same control her husband had fought for.

“Noah, settle down, your father is trying to understand, so am I and quite frankly, I really don’t know what it is gays like, I never, I never thought about it I guess”

“Either have I mom, all I know is I am gay, I really don’t like girls, I know that you don’t believe me, I am sorry, maybe I should have told you all this sooner, but how? Walk up to you one night and say hey mom and dad I am gay, see you later?”

“No of course not, and I guess it has to be hard to say that, but how do you know Noah? You are only 16, like your mother said, you are shy, maybe you are just mistaking that awkwardness around girls for being, well for being gay”

“Dad it isn’t like that, I don’t… I mean…”

“Go on, what? Tell us?”

“I can’t, I mean, this isn’t… it isn’t the way you think”

At last something he thought as he hunched forward, seeing the sudden easing of his son’s shoulders. He looked like his son now, no more hatred burning in his eyes or was that merely wishful thinking? Nathan peered closer and realized that maybe it wasn’t hatred he had been seeing but fear? Could his son be so afraid of him that he was acting out? Could he be so frightened that they wouldn’t understand him that he was pushing out of fear? It made him pause, weighing his words when his wife broke the silence, her own tearful voice cutting into his heart.

“Noah we are your parents, you can tell us, how do you know? Please, your father and I, we are here for you, can’t you see that?”

“I suppose, it is just… it isn’t what you think…”

“Then enlighten us, you have the floor, tell us, why are you certain you are gay?”

“Okay… cause I … do I have to? Dad… not with mom, hell… sorry, but…”

“Just spit it out, go on”

“Fine, cause I know, I mean, I have tried, honest, I didn’t want to be this way, I can’t help it…”

“Noah, you aren’t…”

“I am trying to, you ever talk to your dad and mom about sex? Was it easy?”

“No, it wasn’t, but my father did talk to me about things, it wasn’t exactly comfortable, but he did…”

“Yeah well think how it would be if you were me? If it was hard for you and him to talk about what everyone says is normal, well…”

“Okay so it is harder, shoot me, I didn’t make up the rules of society, I am trying to understand.”

“I know okay?

The silence seemed to thunder in his ears as he stared first at his father and then his mother. He could feel their eyes peering at him, almost desperate really in their desire to understand. It kind of felt good but it still terrified him as he looked down at his feet. How do you say these things to your parents he wondered and then he heard Dakota’s voice in his ears. He could hear him telling him how he had been afraid of his dad, how after Montana and how as afraid as he was, he found his father was even more afraid. Strange, you never really thought a parent could be frightened of anything; they always seemed to have the answers didn’t they?

Noah stared up at his father from under his lowered head and he could see it now, see that his father was frightened just like he was. In some odd way it gave him a sense of courage as he tried to form the words. His body shivered as he glanced back to his feet, feeling the fear inside. It felt like this was becoming the worst day of his life instead of it being the best but he knew he had no choices left. He wanted Dakota, wanted to smell him now and to touch him and he couldn’t do that unless he convinced them. With that he found his voice.

“I feel different inside, when I see a girl or a guy I feel different, guys do things, I uh, I have never felt that way about girls, I have tried, honest… I have”

Panic tore at his heart as he heard the words, not understanding them for what they were. All he could think of was the hideous news reports about this molester and that one. His anger rose up too as he wanted to kill in that instant, not his son but the vile creature who had touched his son. His voice rose two octaves as he leaned forward in the chair, ready to pounce as he had to know, had to find out who.

“Guys do things to you? What guys? Are you saying that…”

Noah saw the wild look in his father’s face and for a moment he didn’t understand it. He turned towards his mother and saw the exact same look on her face and then it dawned on him. His heart raced a little and for some weird reason he felt a strange warmth deep inside of him, knowing that despite all that was going on, his parents still did love him, they just didn’t understand him.

“No, no not that, I mean inside, when I see a guy on television or such, like how you get when you see those movie stars, that one you like, what’s her name? Zeta Jones or something?”

“Well she is an attractive lady, but…”

“For you she is, not to me, to me she is just a she, for me it is the kid who plays Ephraim on Everwood or the guy who plays the cop on 7th Heaven… don’t you see? The girls, they don’t do it for me like they do for you, it is the guys, that’s how I know, I mean they, they uh, they are what I think of, when, well, you know… when… it is how I always knew I guess, it was how I thought I knew I was different, well how I used to think I knew”

“Used to? I don’t…”

“Yes”

He couldn’t believe his ears. This couldn’t really be happening to him and his family. It all had to be some cruel joke or something but as he stared at his son’s face he knew instantly it was real. His heart twisted and turned as he tried to comprehend the cryptic words. Nathan’s body shook as his mind tried to fathom it all, to make sense out of something that made no sense. He had never for a second thought that Noah was gay or even thinking about such things. How could he have not seen all this? How could he have missed the signs?

“Are you, I mean, you and this Dakota, you two uh, you uh”

“Yes”

She finally realized what her son had said and his soft quiet answer only shook her more. Her hands flew to her face as he felt the stinging tears running down her face. How could this have happened so quickly? She thought they had gotten there in time, that the sounds she had heard hadn’t been from… God she couldn’t even say the words to herself as she cried out in stunned amazement.

“My God!”

“Don’t you know the risks? His brother died from AIDS for Christ Sake, how could you and he… how could you even…”

For a brief moment he thought they understood him, but looking at their faces now only made him feel more miserable than before. He felt so alone, so afraid and yet even as his father’s shocked voice shook out in the room, he felt the anger inside. They were always so quick to say they would understand but look at them he thought? Now all they wanted to do was blame Dakota, to make it all someone else’s fault.

Noah wasn’t sure which way to turn now. His mother was crying and his father looked so white that he thought he might pass out, only adding to his misery. Why couldn’t they just accept him for what he was? Why was it such a big deal to them? Least they were trying, he had to admit that which only confused him more. On one hand they seemed willing to listen, then when he tried to tell them they seemed ready to explode. He sighed as he tried one more time to explain it, to make them see it his way.

“It was my decision, not his… I wanted to, I still do, it is all I can think of even now, don’t you see Dad? I am gay, nothing you or mom can say is gonna change that, whether you understand it or not, it is who I am, and right now, he is who I want to be with, just like you and mom are… how can that be wrong?”

“How? My God I’ll tell you how, you are confused, my God Noah you are just a child, you can’t know about these things, you are too young, there are a lot of things at stake here, for starters there is the health risk, but put that aside, my God what do you think all your friends are going to say or do when they find out?”

“I won’t tell them”

How simple kids looked at life he thought as the thoughts raced thru his mind. He could see it all happening as if he was there and it terrified him. He could lose his boy, didn’t Noah see that? This wasn’t some joke, some game, these kids would haunt him until he left school, they left, or worse, something bad happened for which there would be no coming back from. God couldn’t he see that?

“You can’t hide it from them, that kind of secret, they’ll find out, what then?”

“Then I guess you’ll get your monies worth from all that extra health insurance!”

In her mind’s eye Noah was still her baby, still her sweet little boy. When had he grown up and why hadn’t she seen it happening? Looking at him now, she saw the firm set of his jaw, the spark deep in his eyes when he spoke about Dakota and yes, even the insolence that flared every few minutes. He had grown up, no longer her little baby. Still, she couldn’t help but think of him that way, wishing he still was even. The sadness inside grew as she also realized that this was just one of many possible problems that would now confront her and Nathan. Noah’s smart mouth was something she had never seen before and it angered her. Couldn’t he accept that they were the adults and he the child? Didn’t he know that they only wanted what was best for him?

“Noah! That isn’t called for.”

“Why? I know what dad is really saying, it isn’t about my friends, he knows I don’t have that many friends, what he means is what will his friends and yours say, what will the neighbours say, right dad?”

“That isn’t true, tell him Nathan”

Just for a second, one tiny second he felt a strange sense of pride in the boy. All this gay stuff had at least done something positive, it had given Noah a new sense of courage that he could see in his face, hear in his voice. Funny how these things worked out and as he stared at his son, he realized that it was time to stop thinking of him as just a boy. If what he had implied was true, Noah was becoming a man a lot faster than they wanted but a man is what he was starting to become.

His own instincts wanted to reach out and hold him, to slap him on the back even but his mind was still reeling from the consequences that Noah didn’t seem to appreciate. If he lied to him, made out like how their own circle might react he knew in his gut it wouldn’t help. There was no choice but to be as honest with him as he was trying to be with them. Nate knew that his wife might not like it, but what choice did they have?

“No, he is right, partly, yes I do worry about what they will say, you are too young to understand, but it matters, what I do out there is what pays the bills for you young man, and this, this can effect on how I do that job or how others will let me do it, so yes, I worry what they will say, but I worry more about what your school mates will say and do, I don’t want to see you get hurt, and if they find out and they will Noah, you can bet on that, then you will get hurt and I can’t stop it, don’t you see that? I would give my right arm to keep you safe, but when you go and do something so stupid as this… of course it makes me mad, angry, what did you expect?”

“Nathan how can you say that?”

“Rachel it is the truth, would you have me lie to him?”

“No but, you don’t have to be so harsh”

“I don’t mean to be, Rachel you don’t fully understand how serious this is, not just for him, but for us too. Did you stop and think about that Noah? Did you stop for one second and think about how this would effect your mother and me?”

It wasn’t that his dad looked angry, if anything it was like he was actually scared which was something he never thought his father could be. Weird to see that in his face, how his eyes would move to his mother and then to him and each time they looked so pained, so afraid. It made his own heart ache a bit as he wondered if maybe there was something to what his dad was saying.

“No, not really, but it isn’t about you or mom…”

“But it is son, you have no idea how cruel people get, they might not just be satisfied with painting your locker this time around, they might target your mother when she goes shopping, this house at night when we are sleeping, it isn’t just you Noah, it is all of us, and not just us either, what about Dakota? Do you think they will leave him out of this or his family? He and his sister have to go to that school too, did you think about that?”

“Of course I did, but… I mean they wouldn’t do anything to you or mom, or the house, okay they might do more to me, I know that I guess, but maybe they won’t and besides, if they don’t know they won’t”

Neither of them seemed to grasp how serious this was. His own mind was having trouble fathoming it but as the man of the house it was his responsibility to make them understand. Noah was young, he lived in a world where youth was supreme and trouble always came to someone else, never to them. Trouble was that just wasn’t true. Trouble came to everyone and he could already see some of his neighbours faces if they ever found out, he could see his house covered in graffiti at best.

Looking at his son and then his wife he knew they didn’t see it. He knew that each time she went shopping to the mall she would run the risk of some wise ass, run the danger of being taunted to the point where she would not want to leave the house. And that was a best-case scenario too. He could just see some of those kids that hung out at the mall, how they would think nothing of jostling her as she walked by or even of damaging the car. No, they just didn’t understand how dangerous this was.

“They will know, you can’t hide it, my God Noah they already suspect you from just you being in that stupid play last year, do you really think they won’t guess more?”

God he wished that Dakota were here. He had at least gone thru this; he would know what to say. Thinking of him helped some and also hurt too. Why hadn’t Dakota tried to hold him back, why had he let his father take him from him? Was he that scared of the things that his father was telling him? Noah didn’t believe all the horror stuff, least he thought he didn’t.

Looking at his father’s face though, he could see that he wasn’t making it up; it was really how he felt. Somehow he just couldn’t see any of the kids he knew attacking his mom shopping or coming to the house and doing stuff to it. They might tease him at school or even at the mall, but that would be it, wouldn’t it?

Everything was happening too fast for him to fully grasp it all. His head ached from all the thinking and his body ached too, from thinking that it might never again know the joy of being touched by Dakota. His emotions were all jumbled because his parents had never told him to quit before. They always wanted him to try harder and to never give up, yet right now it seemed like that was exactly what they were saying. It was all so confusing to him as he sat there, his head bowed and his heart aching.

Christ when he had found out that he had to wear a dress last year, his father hadn’t told him to quit, but instead told him to suck it up and not let the idiots stop him from doing what he liked, from being a part of the drama club. Strange, back then when his father thought he was normal he pushed him to go on, now here he was trying to get him to hide who he was? It just didn’t make sense, why should he hide now? What had changed that made this less worthy of fighting for?

“So what? I am supposed to just cave in, just ignore how I feel?”

“No, but are you sure it is real? Maybe you are mistaking this boy’s lifestyle as your own, maybe it isn’t anything more than simple experimentation, because you are maybe more, oh hell I don’t know, maybe because he is a boy, maybe you just feel more comfortable around him so when the idea of sex came up, well…”

“Do you really think I just woke up and decided to be this way? Do you know how many nights I would lay awake and try to make girls excite me, try to make them my dreams? I can’t tell you how many times I bit my lip cursing these thoughts, how many times I would shower hoping to wash them away even.”

It was like a hot dagger slicing his heart into tiny pieces of raw meat as the pain in his chest only grew with each tortured word that his son spoke. His eyes filled with tears as he realized the pain his son must have been enduring all this time and he, the father, the man who was supposed to be looking out for his boy hadn’t a clue. Nathan sat there feeling like a total failure.

How could he have not seen his own boy’s pain? Couldn’t he have noticed and then said something? His eyes were misted as he realized that there was so much he didn’t know about Noah, so much that he had missed which only made his heart ache even more. Nathan had always thought he was a good father, a responsible parent and yet in the greatest time of need he had failed his son. The ache inside grew as he felt his failure.

“I didn’t’ know, how could either of us have known? You never told us or even gave us a hint of how you were feeling.”

“How could I? It isn’t like there is some manual out there telling you how to tell your parents you are gay, hell most of what is out there only makes you want to not tell them. There is no one I could have talked to, if I went to the Pastor he would tell me I am some godless evil person, if I told Rusty or some of the kids, well we know how that would have gone over, so what was I supposed to do? Who could I talk to? Couldn’t go the neighbours could I? Who could I ask?”

“Well you seemed to have found someone”

“Yeah and he thinks we should not see each other too, because he doesn’t want me hurt either, everyone is so worried about me getting hurt, well if I can’t see him, that will hurt a lot more than anything anyone can do to me, I am gay, I can’t help it, why should I have to deny that? Just so your boss or the guys at the office won’t mess with you? Why?”

“It isn’t that simple, it can effect promotions, how much I earn to pay those insurance premiums you talk about, to pay for this house, those clothes you are wearing… so it is a big deal”

“Then screw them, find another way, Mr Northwood did”

“It was different for him, I don’t want that to happen to your mother, or to me, because… because if it does… it means you will have died like their son, I don’t want that”

“What difference does it make? I might as well be dead if I can’t be who I am, if I can’t be with Dakota”

“Stop that, you know that isn’t true, you will get over him, he’s just a crush, a schoolboy crush is all…”

The words felt like a match to dry paper. His whole body grew rigid as he glared at his father’s face, ignoring the pain etched across it. All he could think about was how unfair they were being. The way he felt about Dakota wasn’t like a crush, it was something more but they were too blind to see it. It was his fault maybe; he just didn’t know how to explain it so even they could understand. Panic set in as he felt that he was losing, that what he felt for Dakota would be taken from him.

“NO HE ISN’T!”

“Noah sit down! Look son, maybe you think you are in love, but…”

“But what? You don’t think two guys can love each other like a guy and girl can? Well they can! I love him, I DO!”

To be honest he felt out of his depth. How could any two guys feel for each other what normal people felt? It wasn’t natural so how could it be the same? Noah was only 16, how could he know what real love felt? He sighed a little knowing that he was dealing with teenage hormones and romantic notions that simply were fantasies. How could Noah feel for this Dakota like he thought? Christ from what Rachel had told him they only met last Monday.

“Noah you are 16 God Damn It, you can’t love anyone, girl or guy”

“Why not? You always talk about how you knew Mom was the only girl for you when you were in Junior High, you went steady since you were 15 and got married in college, so why can’t I know? Why can’t it be for me like it was for you?”

“BECAUSE HE IS A HE! That is why, it was different for us, your mother, well… she…”

“She was a she?”

“Yes, yes that is right, it is different”

“No it isn’t dad, it is the same, you just think because Dakota is a guy he can’t feel for me what I feel for him, that what we feel for each other isn’t the same as what you and mom felt, that’s the real reason, hasn’t a thing to do with age or anything, just prejudice”

“Okay, maybe it is, maybe you are right, but you are too young Noah, my God son, do you realize what you are facing if we let this continue?”

“You can’t stop me, no one can”

“Yes, we can Noah, if I have to move us to Alaska I will, is that what you want me to do?”

“Nathan, I am not moving to Alaska”

“Oh for Christ’s sake Rachel, we aren’t moving, but I’ll be damned if some son of mine is going to tell me what he will or won’t do, as long as he lives under this roof, he will abide by our rules, and that Noah is how it is”

There it was, just like all the stories had said it would be. The threat, the final solution for parents who thought they could change what is. How could they feel this way? Noah looked at his father’s face and then his mother’s. He could see the tears rolling down her cheeks and the red growing around her eyes. There was fear in those eyes too and yet he wasn’t sure if it was for him maybe being forced out or just out of having to deal with all this. That was the trouble, he wasn’t sure and yet in his heart he felt he was. He felt that he couldn’t live without Dakota but more than that, he didn’t think he could go on pretending to be someone he wasn’t. Couldn’t they understand that? Why did they feel he had to be the way they wanted him to be, hell it wasn’t really like he had wanted to be gay, it just was that he was.

“So what, I become a good straight little boy or I get the boot?”

She was frightened and could feel her legs trembling as both Noah and Nathan seemed bent of tearing each other apart. The words maybe were a bit harsh but they were both agitated, both upset. Nathan couldn’t mean it, couldn’t let their boy leave, not like this. Sure he would eventually leave, but she always believed it would be to college and then to be with some girl, not like this. Where did she go wrong? What did she do to have missed all this? Her heart ached and the pain felt like it would suffocate her as she tried once more.

“Now Noah your father didn’t mean it that way, did you Nate?”

“Of course not, least not how he said it, look son… I know this is hard for you, it is for both of us too, we just, we just need to know that, well, that this isn’t just a mistake, that you aren’t just jumping at something because you think it is how you are, I don’t know…”

“You don’t get it do you?”

“I guess not”

“I am gay, it isn’t any use pretending it will go away or that it is some childish phase, it doesn’t work that way”

“And this you know how?”

“Same way you knew you were straight, you just know”

Looking at Noah now, he realized that all of his arguments were just words. He could see it in the boy’s face as he spoke about this Dakota, about how he really felt. Noah was right, you couldn’t explain why you felt a certain way but you knew it, deep down you could tell how you felt. It didn’t make sense and as much as he wished it would be different, wished that Noah were mistaken, the way he looked told him otherwise. His son was gay and nothing he could say or do would change that.

Realizing that Noah was gay didn’t ease the fear inside though. Both boys were so young, so vulnerable and someone had to tell them that, had to show them what lay in store for them if they exposed themselves openly. Couldn’t Noah see that? Surely anything he was feeling now couldn’t be half as bad as going through life being teased, whispered about, or worse, threatened?

“Okay, maybe you are, have you thought this through son? Not for us, for you? What about this uh, this Dakota, have you thought about how this could hurt him?”

“I haven’t thought of anything else really, but what can I do? I don’t even know if he will still want me, not after tonight”

In some ways it was like listening to himself years earlier. He looked hard at Noah, seeing the pain deep down in his soul and knowing that pain as if it was his own. Hell it had been his own when he too had doubts, had worried if he was worthy enough for someone except in his case it was for a woman. He at least had friends he could talk to about it, confide in and help him see the truth but as he sat here he realized his son had no one.

Nathan’s heart reached out for his son’s, wanting to hold him and cradle him in his arms but he didn’t move. His eyes looked deeply into Noah’s, feeling the doubts that rested there and all he could do was try to make him understand something for which there really were no words. How do you tell someone that the other person doesn’t always return what you feel deep inside? How do you explain to your own son that what he feels for this Dakota may not be what Dakota feels for him, or worse, that this Dakota isn’t as strong as Noah? What do you do, what do you say?

“Noah, look at me son, look at me… I can’t begin to understand all this, I am sorry son, I don’t, but if what you say is right, if you and this, this Dakota do really have these feelings then what happened tonight won’t change them, and if it does, then son, as much as it may hurt you to admit it, but if tonight changes how he feels for you, then it wasn’t as you thought, I am sorry, but I think you know that too.”

“It is real, I know that Dad, but you don’t get it, there is so much against us, it is hard to know what to do, he is afraid, so am I really, but it just, I mean… it just feels right being with him, how can that be so wrong?”

“I don’t know, maybe it isn’t wrong, maybe it is just that people have been conditioned to think it is, either way you aren’t going to change them, least not those who don’t want to change.”

“Which are you dad?”

“Noah, your father is trying to…”

“It’s okay Rachel, he has a right to ask, and to be honest Noah I don’t know which I am. Part of me wants to shake you until you come to your senses, another part says you are my son and I love you, then there is the part that just plain is scared, for you, for your mother, and yes for myself too and even for your friend. I know you don’t believe that, but it is the honest to God truth. As to which am I? I am here listening aren’t I? That should be your answer, it’s about the only one I can give you for now”

“You aren’t going to throw me out of the house?”

“Throw you out? Have I said that? Of course we aren’t, Noah I get mad, but you are my son, which can never change. Yes I am not happy about this, for a while back there I didn’t like you even, but it didn’t make me stop loving you, that can’t ever change, not if it is real and son, you may not believe it right now, but it is very real, very.”

“And Dakota?”

“I don’t know Noah, there are a lot of issues for your mother and I to discuss, and you too.”

He couldn’t figure it out. The way his father spoke at times he was certain that he was never going to spend another night in his own bed or live in this house again and then there were times like right now. It felt like his father would cry even and several times he had seen tears welling but so far his dad had kept them back. It just didn’t make sense, if his father did accept who he was then why couldn’t he let him see Dakota? Why did there always have to be some conditions set or more talking? He wasn’t going to change how he felt about Dakota, surely they both knew that?

“I won’t stop seeing him Dad, I won’t”

“Then we may have a problem Noah, look, I can’t stop you, I think we both know that, I can make it tough though, and if that is what we decide, well… it is what we will do. This isn’t about you being gay either, not totally, I mean, I don’t really like the idea of you having sex, and I don’t care who it is with, whether it is this Dakota or some girl even, I think at your age you are too young.”

“Did you wait? You were dating mom since you were both 15, did you wait till you were married?”

“What happened between your mother and I isn’t the issue here, this is about you and this boy Dakota.”

“No Nate, It is important, he should know.”

“I don’t see how it makes any difference Rachel, things were different then, we were different…”

“Maybe, in some ways it was easier then, other ways it wasn’t Nate, he needs to know.”

“Fine if that is how you feel”

She gave her husband a weak smile as she turned to face her baby boy. She couldn’t help it but think of him that way even with all this happening. Strange how a mother always thought like that while the men couldn’t wait for the boy to grow up and instead of being a son become a buddy. She had watched the way Nathan had always made it a point to do something each weekend with Noah, knowing that he took pride in each upward move that Noah made. How proud he had been when Noah went from crawling to walking to running. The same pride showed when Noah got his first bike and then when the training wheels came off. Now here he was, taking another step forward only this step was a lot bigger and tougher. Would Nate still feel that pride this time?

“No Noah we didn’t wait, maybe we should have, and at the beginning we did, but no, we didn’t wait till we got married, but we weren’t 16 either, we held out till we were 18”

“Rachel… well, you held out, you are right Noah, I didn’t want to wait, your mother made me though, she wanted to be sure I was the right person, and since then, since before then really, there hasn’t been anyone else for me, but I don’t think you and this uh, this Dakota…”

“Why? Because he’s a guy?”

“Yes I guess, I mean, I don’t know, do two guys love the same way a man loves a woman? I don’t know, do you?”

“No, I guess not really, but it feels like it, least I think it does”

“Think you do? You have to be certain, more certain than your mother and I ever were, my God Noah I read the papers, I watch the television news, I know the risks you and this boy take each time you uh, you uh…”

“Have sex?”

“Yes… have sex. Jesus Noah his brother died from that disease, how can you be certain he isn’t infected, that he won’t infect you?”

“I don’t, he gets tested though, and is clean, I suppose I’ll have to start that too, but it doesn’t matter, I just want to be with him Dad”

“And that is supposed to make it all okay? You want to, that is it?”

“Wasn’t it that way for you and mom?”

“That isn’t the same thing, can’t you see that?”

“All I see is that you don’t want me to be with Dakota, if he was Darlene or something I don’t think you’d be saying all this, would you?”

The room grew silent as his son stared at him. Nathan could feel the eyes boring down on him and he could also feel that Noah believed he already had the answer. Funny, he could fell his wife’s presence too as if she too knew what his answer would be, but they were both wrong. This wasn’t about Noah being gay or not, not when it came to sex and the risks involved.

He had used the same arguments with her that Noah was using now. For almost 3 years he had tried to get her to see it his way but she had refused. Partly from fear of becoming pregnant but mainly from the fear of what her parents would say and do if they ever found out. At least Noah no longer had that to deal with, both sets of parents obviously knew, but that wasn’t what worried him.

The world had changed over the years. Life wasn’t as simple or as black and white as it used to be. There were a lot more disease out there that could ruin a person’s life or worse, end it. How could any parent today be accepting of their child having sex? All the risks out there were too much but even as he could tell what his son felt, he knew in his own heart that he would be just as upset if Dakota was a Darlene.

“Yes I would, surprisingly I would Noah, because maybe the risk for AIDS is less with a ‘Darlene’ than a ‘Dakota’ but there are other risks, such as STD’s, such as pregnancy, which are just as serious, so yes Noah, we would still be having this conversation”

“It’s my choice to make, mine and Dakota’s”

“In the end, yes it is Noah, like I said, there is no way we can stop you from being with him, all we can do is put as many obstacles in your way that we can”

“Will you?”

He wanted to say yes and to end this and yet he also wanted to say no. There was so much at stake here that he didn’t know which way to turn. There was no parent handbook he could do and for a second he knew exactly how his son must have felt all that time, wondering how to tell them. It only made him sadder to realize that his son had gone through such pain but that was then, this was now. How could he just let him do what he wanted? How could he not let him?

“I don’t know, I just do not know, how can I? I don’t know him, and all this gay stuff, it is all very confusing to me”

“So what am I supposed to do? Sit around while you try to figure it out? Cause if you think that is what I’ll do, you are wrong. I am going to see him, tomorrow or the next day or the day after, whenever I can…”

She couldn’t understand his defiance? Didn’t he realize that they were his parents, that they knew so much more than he did about life and all of its complications? Why couldn’t he just accept that and let them do what was best for them all?

“And if your father and I say no? Are you prepared for that Noah?”

In a way he had been expecting this but hearing it come from her shook him a little. His face grew even more sombre as he looked over at her, wondering if she could do what was left unsaid? Could he really fight them on this if they made it plain and simple, do what they said or leave? The fear was there, he could almost taste it in the back of his mouth and then he felt the strange warmth inside, that same warmth he felt when he and Dakota had been together. Suddenly there was no question in his mind about if he could or would he because the answer was in his heart.

“If I have to be, yes I am”

“You have never acted like this before son”

“I never had to I guess, or maybe it is just that, well he is that important to me”

“Seems that way, you know what the consequences can be? I mean really know?”

“I think so, for the most part”

“And still you are willing to risk it?”

“Yes”

Was this how a captain felt when his ship was slowly sinking under him? As much as he wanted to not let his ship sink, as much as he tried to stop the flooding did he know inside that it was useless but still try to change the inevitable? The stubborn look on Noah’s face told him all he needed to know but he refused to accept it. How could he? Wasn’t it part of the job really, to try and make his son see the dangers that laid ahead even if he was unwilling to listen? Could it be a false sense of hope on his part or was he maybe just hoping that if he kept at it long enough some miracle might happen and Noah would see things his way? Whatever it was he couldn’t let it rest, not yet anyhow.

“And what about school?”

“What about it?”

“What if they find out about you and about Dakota?”

“They won’t”

“What if they do Noah? What will you do then?”

“I don’t know, whatever I have to I suppose”

“Can you go through a whole year of being picked on? Can you go through a whole year of not knowing if you are going to be roughed up, teased, called names? Can you?”

When Dakota has said all this it hadn’t sounded quite so horrible but now it did and yet he refused to accept it. For starters neither his dad nor Dakota knew for certain what would happen. Besides that, it was just as likely that no one would even notice or find out, so why should he be so afraid? Okay maybe his dad was right, maybe even Dakota was right about what could happen, but that assumed that they would find out. If he was smart, if he controlled himself no one would find out so their arguments weren’t real, were they?

He couldn’t help feeling the doubts inside but they also made him angry too. Why did everyone have to always assume the worse or think he couldn’t look after himself? Okay maybe he wasn’t Joe macho but he could look after himself. He could throw a punch like anyone else could if it came to that. As for the name calling, wow, like that would stop him? Didn’t his dad get it; he didn’t care about any of that if he knew that at the end of it all he had Dakota to be with? That would make it all okay, just like his dad had his mom. Why did he assume that it would be different for him and Dakota?

“If I have to, I guess”

“You can’t guess, you have to know, this isn’t something you can take back, this isn’t something you can start over, once it is out, it is there for good, it will follow you to college and beyond, are you prepared for that?”

“They won’t find out, and even if they do, so what? I’ll handle it”

“How? Can you defend yourself?”

“Nathan…”

“No Rachel, let it be… well? Can you Noah?”

“I don’t know, I suppose”

“This isn’t like the time Cory and you fought in the sandbox, this is for real Noah, think about it, can you defend yourself? Do you know how to stop someone from hitting you in the head? Do you know how to stop someone from breaking your ribs when they are kicking you?”

“Stop it Nathan, you are scaring him”

“Scaring him? Christ Rachel it is what can happen, what most likely will happen, he has to see it, to know it now… do you Noah? Do you understand all this?”

“Yeah I do, and no I guess I don’t know how to stop someone from kicking my ribs in, or smacking me in the head, but I’ll learn fast enough if I have to”

“Will you? It only takes one time Noah, just like the sex, only one time and you can be left for dead, left a vegetable, do you realize that?”

“Yes, okay? I realize it and no it doesn’t change how I feel or anything either, ‘cept maybe made me more scared, is that what you wanted to hear?”

“No, no it isn’t son, but as angry as you are right now, what I said is real, it is what you can expect, I wish it wasn’t like this, but it is.”

“Well I’ll just be extra careful, so they don’t find out, it isn’t their business anyways”

“No it isn’t, but these things, they have a way of being found out, trust me on that, have you talked about it with uh Dakota?”

“Sort of…”

“And?”

“And what? We talked about it, okay?”

“No it isn’t okay, what did he say? Come on, what did he say?”

There was no way he could tell him what Dakota had said. For sure he’d jump on it and try to use it to keep them apart. He gritted his teeth wishing he hadn’t said what he had but there was no way out. His mind was confused too because he really hadn’t thought it would be like his dad said. Okay maybe he had known it might turn out that way, but Christ this was 2003. It wasn’t the dark ages or anything and besides that, the school wouldn’t let it happen, would they?

“He was scared, so was I…”

Nathan could tell that something wasn’t right, that Noah was holding back something. His heart ached as he had spoken about what could happen but he really believed it would. He couldn’t help but feel that way but the way Noah sidestepped him, kept pushing off what Dakota felt confused him. He had naturally assumed that Dakota had been the one pushing for all this, this gay stuff and sex but now he wasn’t so sure. Could it have been Noah who was the instigator? Was Dakota as sure as Noah? From what Noah was saying he began to have his doubts, wondering if maybe he should find out, if maybe he should talk to Dakota or at least to his father.

“Maybe the two of you need to take some time apart, to think about this, sounds like he does, doesn’t it?”

“NO! I know what you are trying to do, he isn’t that way, he cares about me, it was why he thought we should not see each other, he didn’t want me to get hurt, so see, he does care”

“I didn’t say he didn’t Noah, I just think you have maybe gone a bit too far too fast, maybe you both need a bit of time to cool off, let your minds get over the first flush of excitement, that isn’t asking much is it?”

“Your father is right Noah, you two barely know each other, how can you be so adamant about this, you have only known him for a week or so”

“I know that… But it is like, well like I knew it the second I laid eyes on him, I can’t explain it, I just know, so does he.”

“Noah I am not happy about you and him having sex, I am sorry, I think you are way too young still, and the whole gay thing, has me deeply worried, I know what you say, I know you think you can handle it, but son, when you get hurt, when some kid hits you, and it will happen, it is your mother and me that have to deal with it, not your friend Dakota, us. We don’t want you to get hurt, it is that simple”

“I won’t, besides you always told me a man has to do what he has to do, you are the one who told me to be true to how I feel inside, well that is what I am doing, or didn’t you mean it? Does it only apply if I am straight?”

“Of course I meant it and yes it applies whether you are gay or not, I just know that with you being this uh, this way, there are added problems, and I don’t want you rushing into danger, that is all”

“So I have to hide because some asshole can’t accept me being gay? That doesn’t sound right”

God he wished he could tell him it was different, tell him that the world was full of nice kind thinking people but it wasn’t. Kids shouldn’t have to know these things but you couldn’t not tell them. The world wasn’t a fantasyland, it was very real and at times very cruel, something he wished he could spare Noah but there was no getting around it.

“It isn’t, but it is life”

“Yeah? And how is it supposed to change if I hide? Didn’t you tell me that a man had to stick up for what was right, no matter the cost? Why should I hide, I haven’t done anything wrong”

“No, I guess not, at least in your eyes you haven’t done anything wrong but there are some who don’t see it that way”

“Tough for them”

“No, tough for you because right now they are the one’s calling the shots son, not you”

“Then I’ll change it”

“How? This isn’t like changing channels on a television set when you don’t like the show, this is life, you just can’t wave a wand and presto everything changes”

“So what, I have to not be happy because some religious nut doesn’t like my being gay? Fuck them”

“Noah your language please”

“Sorry mom, it is just that, I know you both mean well, I know that it is kind of scary really, I know all that, but I know that if I don’t do this, if I run and hide like you want, I won’t be much of a person, I sure as hell won’t like me and if I don’t like me, how will anyone else? Say Dakota isn’t the one, say I am wrong about him, how will there ever be a right one for me if I hide now? How?”

“You don’t know that sweetie, besides you are 16, you will have lots of time to…”

“No Rachel, he is right. Damn it he is right, but it doesn’t help any Noah, being right is one thing, paying the price for being right though, that can be a very expensive price and I don’t mean in money son, I mean it can cost you your life, I don’t want that to happen, I’d rather you be alone and sad than dead, I am sorry, but I am your father, I love you, what else can I say?”

Why couldn’t they just love him for who he was? Why did they have to bring up all this hate stuff? Sure it wasn’t fun or nice out there, he had seen the news too but that wasn’t here, wasn’t where he lived. Things were different here, there were laws and stuff to protect him and others who were different, least that’s what the teachers all said. Why did his father have to try and make it out like they lived in a ghetto or something worse? All he wanted or needed was for them to be there for him, wasn’t that what a parent was supposed to do?

“Say that you will stand with me, say, I don’t know, say that you and mom will be there to pick me up if I do get beaten up, that if I do get hurt you will be there, that no matter what I am still your son, that is what you can say”

“I don’t have to Noah, you should know that”

“Then, if that is true why all this?”

“For that same reason son, because you are our son”

“I don’t get it, if none of what happens changes anything, why are you trying to stop me from being who I am?”

“I don’t know if that is what we are trying to do, maybe delay it? Maybe try to make sure it is what you really want, or maybe it is just that we don’t want you to get hurt. I can’t tell you why, I can only tell you that as parents, we only want what is best for you, I don’t think you being involved with a guy, being sexually active at your age is good for you. I am sorry, it is how I feel”

“So, I can or I can’t see Dakota?”

“I don’t know”

“But…”

“Noah, let us sleep on it, please?”

“It won’t change how I feel Dad”

“No, I suppose it wont, but you have given your mother and me a lot to think about, we need the time to digest all this, please, let us just sleep on it and we can pick this up in the morning”

“I can’t, I have to go see Dakota”

“You can talk to us first… then we’ll see after that”

“I am going to see him Dad”

“Noah, tomorrow morning we will finish this, until then, let’s not get into a I will he will kind of thing, okay? I told you, we need some time to think, to talk and to just try and digest all this, okay?”

“I suppose… just as long as you…”

“I know”

He leaned back in the chair as his son slowly stood up and made his way towards the hall. There was no mistaking the hostility in his face or even in how he moved towards his room. You could see it the way his shoulders were set and how he took each careful deliberate step to leave and yet something else was there too. Nathan could see it in the eyes as he saw his son stop at the hall.

There was a brief sagging of his shoulders but Nathan watched with a sense of pride really as Noah collected his thoughts and straightened his stance up once more. He could almost feel the boy’s determination and will as he turned to stare back at them both. The way his face was drawn and white only made his heart twist even more and made the pain a little sharper. He heard his wife sucking in her breath and the small sound of a sob escape her lips as she too stared out at her son.

“I know you both love me and you think you are trying to do what is best, I really do Dad, but you have to know, I love him, it isn’t something I can explain, it is just how I feel inside. You and Mom can sleep on it and we can talk about it tomorrow and the next day and the next, it won’t really make any difference cause I love him that much, so much that nothing is going to change that or keep me from being with him again, guess it is how you were Dad, it took you 3 years, maybe it will take me that long too, but I don’t care how long it takes, I am going to be with him again, I have to.”

Noah turned from them and walked out of the room and down the hall towards his own bedroom. Nathan heard his wife crying but he couldn’t move for the moment. What his son had said echoed within his head and his heart as he too felt the tears finally rolling down his face. His eyes felt heavy like his heart as he glanced upwards, wondering what the man upstairs thought about it all? Even as he wondered he knew what he would do come the morning, the only question was how would Rachel react to his decision? He turned to her now and cocked his head to one side and then slowly he stood up and walked over to her, gathering her in his arms and letting her head rest on his shoulder.

For the first time since he had heard the news about Noah, Nathan felt at peace with himself. At last he had reached a decision and he was calm as he let his wife cry on his shoulders, his own tears rolling unheeded down as his cheeks. Noah was his son no matter what and maybe he had failed him before, but he knew that he couldn’t risk failing him now.

Chapter 13

Josh sat there, swirling the amber liquid around in the glass. It never changed, did it? No matter what he could still feel the ache in his heart, the emptiness whenever he thought about Billy, even now so many yearslater, so much water under the bridge, and yet he could close his eyes and there he would stand, the dark hair flowing across his forehead, the eyes penetrating deep into his soul; and yet when he opened his eyes, there was nothing there, just the hint of what could have been.

The touch of Darren’s hand on his shoulder made him look up, the image of Billy smiling slowly dissipating in the light of the room. A wan smile crossed his face as he stared up, wondering what would come next.

“You really loved him a lot, now I understand.”

“Understand? What is it you understand Darren?”

“Oh, lots of things I guess, like why you always back off when things get really emotional between us, for instance.”

“Back off ? Come on Darren, that isn’t true.”

“Oh come on Josh, you know it is… I mean how many times have I asked you to go away for a weekend and you always find an excuse, or how many times have I told you I want to be with you forever and you tell me I need a shrink, if that isn’t backing off I don’t know what is.”

Josh sat there looking up, staring into Darren’s eyes, and seeing the clouds roll over the normally sparkling eyes. He could see the pain there, the sharp anguish that was not just evident in Darren’s voice, but was deep in his heart. Funny, he never really looked into his eyes before, never really delved there like he used to do for hours with Billy.

He shuddered a little as the words found their way inside of him. For a brief second he could feel the words and he knew that in some ways they were true, but damn it, couldn’t Darren understand that it wasn’t his fault? Couldn’t he see that you never really ever find that

gaystoryman

perfect love, but if you are lucky you only find it once in a lifetime?

“He’s gone Josh, you aren’t, least not physically, look I never knew your Billy, from what Gordon told me he was something special, but he is gone and you have to let yourself want to go forward.”

“Darren that isn’t fair… yes he’s gone, but not really gone, he’s still a big part of me, can’t you see that?”

“All I see is that I am competing with a ghost, and that isn’t fair to me or to you.”

Josh looked away, he could see the pain only growing inside of Darren and for some reason, it made him feel angry. Couldn’t Darren just accept who he was, what he was, and let it go at that? Why did he insist on wanting to know everything, to have all of him? How could he even give all of himself to Darren, wasn’t there a big hole in his soul? How do you give what you don’t have?

Josh swirled the cognac around and then brought the glass up to his lips. He tossed his head back and swallowed it all in one gulp. With his head high, he rose up and handed the ring to Darren.

“I can’t give you what I don’t have Darren, I wish I could, maybe another time, I’ll call you.”

With those softly spoken words, Josh grabbed his coat and walked out of the apartment. He closed the door softly, and he leaned against the wall, breathing deeply in an attempt to quell his shaking heart. The tears flowed down from his cheeks and he cried within, desperate to feel Billy’s touch, to hear his voice, to experience just once more his tender embrace.

He shook his head and headed towards the elevator, hearing a glass smashing somewhere inside of Darren’s apartment. His hand pushed the button and he waited, knowing that he had hurt Darren, but he had no choice, there just really wasn’t anyway he could give Darren what he deserved.

The glass had smashed against the wall, narrowly missing the large oil painting of Josh. It was something he had cherished and now as he stared at it, he felt anger and disgust and sorrow.

“Damn you,” he yelled at the moody face that stared out at him. “Damn you and Damn your Billy, damn, damn” he mumbled over and over again. The tears were like a torrential downpour, as he sat in his couch, alone and feeling empty. He loved Josh so much, why couldn’t he see that? Why did he have to insist on hanging on to something that was gone, long dead and buried?

Glancing up at the portrait, he knew that there was no answer. He could see that all his dreams and hopes for a life with Josh had simply walked out the door. He didn’t even look back, he just handed him the ring back and left, nothing else, no hysterics, no tears, nothing. Just his back as he walked out the door.

gaystoryman

Darren picked up the bottle by his feet, still a third full and with one giant swallow, he drained the fine alcohol. He sputtered several times as he drank deeply of the intoxicating liquid, anxious to forget all that he had heard, all that had happened here, but his mind refused his wishes.

Instead he saw images of his Josh naked, playing in a pool with some dark shaped figure, a laugh always there instead of the serious face that he had fallen in love with. His head seemed to be drawn once more to the portrait, and he stared at the troubled powder blue eyes that the artist had captured so perfectly. They looked so empty and yet so mysterious too.

Well he had the answers didn’t he? What good did that do him? Fuck it, he thought, and headed for his bedroom and for a night of restless sleep. His anger was short lived; instead a deep sense of loss filled his heart as he undressed to crawl into bed. He could still see the eyes even as he closed his own.

Strange, he thought, the way the shadows moved around him, and yet all he wanted was to sleep, to try and forget all that had gone on. Darren tossed and turned, feeling hot one second, then a strange chill would come over him and he would reach for the blanket to cover himself with. It was an unnerving night and finally he managed to doze off, to let the sleep finally overtake him, or so he thought.

Darren almost flew out of the bed as he heard Josh’s voice ringing in his ears. He rubbed his sleep-swollen eyes and there he was, standing there, a playful look on his face, and his eyes, oh man his eyes looked so blue and full of life.

He reached out with one hand but couldn’t quite reach and he saw the image shimmering, as if about to dissipate, and he cried out, begging the vision to stay and join him.

The shape was almost gone, just an outline in the dark when his voice cried out, and the figure of Josh stopped, the beautiful face turned towards him, the smile wide and the teeth perfectly white gleamed at him as the words bounced around his empty room.

Quickly his heart started to beat faster and he sat up in the bed, bringing his legs up and he leaned forward, both of his hands outstretched now towards the turned figure of Josh.

“Oh Please, please Josh,” he cried out and he shut his eyes briefly, willing the figure to come closer. As he opened them, he saw the figure laughing and then he saw a darker shape next to Josh’s full body figure. It was cast in shadows and he saw the way that Josh’s whole body was leaning towards it.

He didn’t need a brick to fall on him, he knew that the shadowy figure was Billy, and he saw the way Josh looked so alive, so full of energy and of love. He could see a blue shimmering glow that seemed

gaystoryman

to be striving to reach out and encompass both him and the shadowy figure.

Darren took a deep breath, willing his beating heart to slow down as he watched. Billy, for he was sure that was who the figure was, seemed to hold Josh’s attention like he had never seen before. There was no doubt that Josh had been captivated and for some strange reason, he didn’t seem to mind it now. He seemed instead to look closely, to watch the way the shadowy figure just moved, or glided this way to keep the focus.

It was a strange sight, he could see a dark lock of hair across the forehead, the way the head tilted back to toss that lock out of sight but never succeeding. He saw a strange glow too, a sort of bond that stretched from the dark figure’s chest towards Josh’s own rib cage.

The image of Josh started to grow closer to the dark one, as if it was merging into just one single shadow figure and he caught himself crying as the two shapes grew closer.

Suddenly the dark shape stopped, its head now angled away from Josh and it was as if it was seeking him out. It was an eerie feeling, seeing the shape’s upper body twist around and look. It had almost become one with Josh’s young image when the darker recess of the head seemed to glance at him. Darren felt a chill run up and down his spine as the dark orbs held onto his eyes.

He shivered even though he had the blanket wrapped up to his neck. His hands trembled under the soft linen of his comforter and his heart started to pound irregularly.

The dark shape grew stronger in definition, the face became more defined as he saw the firm jaw jutting out, the forehead with dark lines across it, and the hair cut to the shoulder. Where the eyes should have been were, instead, a dark piercing emptiness. His own eyes couldn’t stop staring at the darkness and the chill grew inside of him. He wanted to scream and wake up from this nightmare but no sounds would come from his throat. It was almost as if he was frozen in time, and he shuddered even more as the thought hit him.

He felt the darkness surround his body, and he felt a strange almost cold enter his heart and then move outwards through his whole body. The dark shadow was now right in front of him, as if it had joined him on the bed. The dark orbs were impenetrable and yet his own eyes still stared into the nothingness.

He felt like he was being swallowed up by the darkness of those eyes. The cold penetrated every fibre of his being and yet, while his mind was racing in a blind panic, his heart seemed to start to slow down. The panic that had made it race seemed to simply vanish as he felt the darkness surround him and cover him with its blankness.

Darren trembled as he watched the curtains sway to the morning’s

gaystoryman

breeze. His body was soaked in a cold sweat and he trembled from it all. He glanced around the room, seeing everything and yet feeling like he was just arriving here.

His hand quivered as he picked up his phone and dialled the number. He waited for the other party to pick up, knowing that this was all insane and yet also knowing he had no choice. He had to do this.

The cranky voice on the other end finally relented and gave him the information he had demanded. He wrote it down quickly on the back of a magazine and then hung up the phone. Without any other thought he tossed the blankets off and headed for the shower where he turned on the hot water full, desperate to erase the bone chilling cold that had permeated his entire body. It helped, but not much and he dressed quickly.

Grabbing the piece of paper Darren headed out of the door and, almost in a run, left his apartment as the sun poked its head up over the horizon. There was no stopping him as he hurried to the one place where he knew he was going to get his answers.

Josh felt like he had been through a war. His whole body ached from the strain of the night and the morning. Instead of sleeping he had spent the time sitting in his own apartment, staring at the two photo’s in a shiny silver frame.

gaystoryman

He could see Billy’s eyes, the way the dark orbs seemed to sparkle, and then he would glance to the other picture, the one of Darren, and his heart seemed to skip a beat. He had such nice eyes too, dark one’s but they seemed to be so full of life, while Billy’s seemed to hold more secrets than anything else.

Josh didn’t know how long he had spent staring at the two men who had meant so much to him. One was dead, long buried out in the cemetery by the hill, while the other might as well be too, because he just couldn’t let him in, no matter how much he wished he could. The tears came and went through the early morning hours and despite all the booze he had drunk, he could still feel the pain inside of his chest.

As the sun poked its head up, he left his place and walked. He had no direction, he just walked, through the streets that were deserted but now gradually wakening up. People started to appear everywhere and he sat on a bench, watching as they bustled to and fro. He saw all types as they went on with their lives and he sighed deeply.

Why couldn’t he just accept Darren? Why did he have to always be comparing him to Billy? No one could equal Billy, and despite his best efforts, he couldn’t ever forget what he and Billy once had. The pain grew inside him once more, as it always did when he came to this point in a relationship. The trouble was, this time it didn’t really seem so bad, he hurt more when he had left Darren’s place than he did now.

He had tried, honestly he had. In college he had chased a few and been rewarded with some good companionships, but nothing that could come close to what he and Billy had shared for such a short time. There was always something that would interrupt his moving forward, either the person would simply not understand about his past or would not accept that there was a big part of him missing, that could never be replaced.

Always, after those times, he would reflect and would gain some comfort with Billy’s locket held tightly in his hand. It was there now, and he opened it up to see the smiling face, see the twinkle in the eyes and his heart would normally soar with the vision, but not this time. This time he just felt sadder, more lonely than he ever had before.

As the morning rolled along, he found himself slowly coming towards the one place he always found solitude. He saw the wrought iron gates ahead and his heart soared briefly, but only briefly. The small corner store was empty as he purchased the small bouquet of purple and white lilacs. They were Billy’s favorite and he clutched them as he walked up past the cemetery gates, heading past the huge trees that lined the roadway.

Normally his heart would start to lighten by now. Instead it just seemed to grow heavier as he walked silently along the well shaded roadway towards that special spot where he could once again sit and talk with the only one he had ever loved.

Josh turned the corner, and there stood the solid redwood oak, tall and majestic on the hill, small statues dotted the grass that was a lush deep green and marked the various residents of the hilltop. He had no idea how Gordon had managed it, but he had gotten a spot just near enough to the tree that its tall branches always covered Billy’s final resting spot.

A simple white marble headstone adorned the tiny plot, and there were always fresh flowers there. Gordon regularly visited here, and he always brought unique flowers for Billy. As he glanced up he saw a figure squatting where Billy’s headstone was. For a second he thought it had to be either Gordon or Manuel but the shape was all wrong for it to be either of them. For a brief second, the sorrow in his heart was replaced by his curiosity and he trudged up the slope to find out just who it was.

As the sound of his approach grew, the squatting figure suddenly turned and saw him, and stood up and waited for him to come closer. Josh’s eyes bulged wide as he recognized Darren’s figure. He stopped as the recognition dawned on him, and for a brief instant he wanted to turn and run down the hill and out of the cemetery, but something held

gaystoryman

him in place, some invisible force kept his feet from moving or turning until the sudden panic eased. Only then did feeling and control return to his feet and he walked slowly forward to greet Darren.

Darren watched as Josh approached. He saw the pain his eyes and he could feel it in his heart. Suddenly it all made sense to him and as Josh came level to him he turned to stare down at the simple white headstone.

“William Jonathan Braxton, I never would of guessed it was him.”

“What? You knew Billy?”

“Knew him? No, I don’t think anyone ever really knew Billy, only what he wanted you to know, even way back then.”

“Back then?”

“Did you know he has her eyes? I never figured it out, but it came to me last night, it was her eyes and now I know where he is.”

“Darren…”

“Did you know, she was an amazing women Josh, you would of liked her. I think she would of liked you too, she had good taste and she was a pretty good judge of character.”

“Uh, Darren…”

“No, no Josh, you had your say last night, but it isn’t over you know? It really isn’t.”

“Darren come on man, look there just isn’t an easy way, and surely after all that I said, you have to see…”

“Oh but it is you who doesn’t see, and until early this morning, neither did I. I am a bit slow sometimes, but I know what I want, and I know who I love, so no Josh, it is far from over, it is just beginning and you know why it is just beginning?”

“No, I don’t, why?”

“Because of Billy there… he won’t let it end, not your way anyhow.”

“But…”

“No, he won’t, you ask him, he’ll tell you Josh. He’ll tell you how much he wants this, and if you loved him half as much as I do, then you’ll listen to him now.”

Darren bent down to his knees and rested one hand on the grass, just ahead of the headstone. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he knelt, and his hand trembled as he spoke haltingly to the ground.

“I missed you so much, so much,” he softly whispered.

Darren got up, the tears still flowing and he turned away and walked back down the road. His shoulders were hunched and his head hung down as he walked away from the gravesite.

Josh stared at the figure of his friend, not sure what was going on. He heard the words and saw the deep pain that Darren had and as he walked away his own heart ached for him. His mind wished him to

gaystoryman

follow but he stared down at the gravesite, wanting to know more, afraid to find it out.

Josh found his face turning towards the disappearing back of Darren then suddenly it was drawn down to his hand, where Billy’s locket lay, open somehow, and he saw into the eyes. His heart stopped as his whole body shook to a tremendous surge of energy.

The heaviness in him suddenly vanished and his soul no longer ached or felt only a part of itself. He nodded to the locket and turned quickly to run after Darren.

“Darren, DARREN WAIT, PLEASE WAIT,” he yelled as he ran down the hill, catching up to Darren at the foot.

“Please, don’t leave, not now, we have so much more to talk about.”

“I can’t Josh, I…”

“Yes, yes you can Darren, and Darren… you were right, he won’t let it end this way, please, please let us go back and talk, please?”

Josh hadn’t used that voice in many years. It was almost like being back in time when things were good, when Billy was alive and next to him. Well, in a way he was, and he knew now what he had been afraid of, but now he was being given a second chance.

Darren gave in, he couldn’t refuse Josh, and he knew he never could refuse him anything. Slowly they walked back up the small hill, to sit down together under the tree, their feet stretched out towards Billy’s grave.

gaystoryman

For the longest time they just sat there, neither of them talking as if they just wanted to be there, together, sharing everything, yet saying nothing.

“Does Gordon know Darren?”

“Gordon? No, no I don’t think he does, hell I didn’t know until early this morning.”

“But how?”

“It’s the eye’s Josh, those eyes. I could see her in them, always see her in them, but last night, well last night I saw him instead, then it hit me, and I had to come here to find out.”

“I don’t get it Darren, find out what? How do you know Billy?”

“He’s my brother Josh, my older brother.”

Josh couldn’t believe it. This was not real, not possible. He searched his memory and yet he couldn’t recall Billy saying much about his earlier life. He knew he had lived on a farm, that his family had somehow turned on him; but, wait, no that wasn’t right, it wasn’t how he put it, damn, how was it he worded it?

They were safer without him, that’s it, that’s how he put it. How, it didn’t make sense then and now it certainly made even less sense. He looked at Darren and saw the way his hair sat on his forehead, that tiny lock of hair, shorter than Billy’s but it curled the same way and if it was longer it too would fall across his eye, just as Billy’s used to.

Damn, why had he never seen it before, the eyes were the same brooding dark, yet they could burst into a dazzling display of sparkles and fireworks that could overwhelm a person, just as Billy’s did. Even his smile, when it broke out was like a thunderous event in his heart, just like when Billy would smile at him. Damn, he had been so blind, why hadn’t he seen the similarities.

It all came rushing to him as he sat there, staring down at Billy’s grave. That was why he was so damn scared of committing to Darren, because he reminded him too much of Billy. The few arguments they had simply made him think more of Billy; or the love making, the way Darren would always try to please him in different ways, it had always reminded him of Billy. That was the big reason why he couldn’t commit, Darren had reminded him too much of Billy.

“What happened Darren?”

“Happened? Oh, I never really knew until awhile back what had happened. All I knew for my younger years was that Billy and my step dad had a big argument and he had left.

“It wasn’t until oh, maybe when I was 17 or so that I found out the details. Billy never liked our step dad, and he blamed Mom for that too, it damn near broke her heart when he left. Yet I think secretly, she was kind of proud of him for doing that. They used to be so inseparable, it made me jealous at times and he knew that, yet he never ever rubbed it in either.

“I miss him so much Josh, I think I can understand now why you were so afraid of us.”

“It wasn’t that Darren, it never was… it was, well, just…”

“Just that you didn’t want to get that close to anyone again, afraid they’d leave you like he did, but he really never left you Josh, maybe that’s the problem.”

“Maybe, I don’t think so. I think it is just that he was such a big part of me, and when he was taken away, well, so was a big part of me taken… I think that is why I never got close to anyone.”

“Is it? No, somehow I think that’s just an excuse you have been hanging onto Josh.”

“Darren, that isn’t fair.”

“Isn’t it? Maybe, or maybe it’s just that I know how you feel.”

“I… Darren I just don’t see…”

“When he left, I hated him, did you know that?”

“No.”

“Yeah, I blamed him for everything, for all the shit in my life, for everything that went wrong it was cause Billy had left.”

“That isn’t fair, how could you…”

gaystoryman

“Same way I guess you can’t feel like you can ever love anyone as much as you loved him… isn’t it?”

“That’s not the same thing.”

“Isn’t it? Tell me, you ever talk to him about the past?”

“No… no, we never had a chance to really do that, I wished we had.”

“I wish you had too, maybe then it wouldn’t have taken me so long to get my own answers.”

“But… Darren I don’t see how any of this really changes things between us… I mean okay, you…”

“Changes things? Maybe it doesn’t, but then again maybe it doesn’t have to Josh, maybe it can make sense of it all instead.”

“Sense? I don’t…”

“Josh I can’t compete with a ghost, even if it is my brother’s ghost, but at least maybe you can let him go, maybe it is something that can bring us closer, let you see me for me instead of seeing him in my eyes or hear him in my voice or feel him in my touch, maybe… maybe that is what this is all about?”

“I suppose, I guess if you are right. Shit, I don’t know Darren, he is so much a part of my life… so much of who I am is because of what we shared… how is that going to change?”

“Who says it has to Josh? I am not Billy, and as much as I used to look up to him, as much as I used to love him, I know I am not him.”

“But… I guess I see what you are saying, but deep down I don’t know… I just don’t know.”

“Neither do I but maybe if you know that he was who he was, and I am who I am then maybe, maybe we can get past it, I mean Josh, I loved him, you have no idea how much his leaving hurt and how long I used to hate him for it, until I got older and understood. And now, now I know how much I needed him, but I also know he always loved me, that can’t ever change, and well, well if you want to keep his love, maybe you need to also let it go too, so you can have new love, and…”

“I can’t let it go, least I… fuck I just don’t know, all I know is that every time I got close to someone, I would wind up pulling away because it wasn’t like it was with him, and yet with you, I don’t know, you scared me because for brief moments, I would forget him, I would stop thinking of how it was… I don’t want to lose that Darren, I don’t want to forget him.”

Josh sat there, tears now rolling down his cheeks too, as he thought about Billy and how much he had meant to him. He also thought about Darren, and how there were those brief moments when they would connect, when his guard was down, and how good that felt and how he felt after, how he felt like he was betraying Billy’s love for him.

His head was lowered to his chest as his one hand held tightly the

gaystoryman

silver locket, the locket that always guided him as he needed it, and now it seemed to grow warm in his hand, seemed to be pulling him and he looked down towards the grave.

Josh felt his breath leaving his body, his legs started to twitch and his face became drawn and his eyes bulged outwards. Standing by the grave was Billy, or at least his image. Quickly he rubbed his eyes with his free hand to bring himself back to reality. He felt a strong hand grip his shoulder and he turned his terror stricken face to glance into Darren’s face.

It was like a mirror, he saw the white lines in the forehead, the eyes dark and frightened looking as he stared into them. The lips were tightly held together, the cracks showing and he could feel a strange chill in his bones, coming through Darren’s hand into his own body.

The locket grew heavy in his hand and he turned once more towards the grave, and the apparition was still there. He almost fainted as he saw it lift one hand up, pointing towards him and then it opened, as if beckoning to him. The hand turned and lay open, palm upwards and the eyes, those damn dark eyes now glittered and sparkled in the sunlight.

Josh was frightened, more than ever before. He had felt at times that he was losing his mind, the way he could sense or see Billy at times; but that was always alone, at night, and yet here he was, in broad daylight with Darren and there stood Billy.

He could see the eyes, the way they looked so dark and ominous and yet as his own blue eyes peered at them, he could feel the love and warmth that Billy was to him. He could feel his heart beating even though it had been stilled a long time ago by a crack head’s bullet.

The cold feeling in his shoulder suddenly grew warmer. It was like an oven had been turned on. He felt the heat travelling into his body, going from bone to bone to reach deep down into his body. His heart started to pound heavily as he stared into Billy’s eyes, while Darren’s hand gripped his shoulder.

He had to be losing his mind, that was the answer. It was all the stress from work, from facing Darren last night, and from not sleeping, that was it, or was it? His heart said no, it wasn’t, his mind begged it to be so but finally his soul settled it for both of them.

Josh lay there, stunned as he saw his own shadowy figure leave him and walk forward, the locket in its hand and he started to tremble with fear. He looked over at Darren and instead of seeing fear he felt a strange over powering sense of love. He looked into the eyes and they sparkled, just as Billy’s used to moments before he would find some way to make him moan with desire.

Josh couldn’t understand it. There was a dark figure leaving the tree, walking towards Billy’s outstretched figure and yet he was being

gaystoryman

drawn towards Darren, not towards Billy.

He felt his chin being lifted upwards by Darren’s finger and he found his face close to his own. He could see the tiny cracks along Darren’s mouth, the way they formed little wiggly lines and he looked up at the nose, seeing its sides breathing in and out with each breath that Darren took. The eyes fluttered as they gazed down into his own blue eyes and suddenly they connected.

The wall of pain and resistance was gone. His eyes suddenly seemed to open fully and he felt a strong rush of warmth push deep into him. He could feel his groin stirring as Darren’s eyes bore into his own freshly opened eyes.

The thought of, ‘it was like when Billy first gazed into him’ passed before him, and a small twinge in his heart seemed to threaten the hold of Darren’s eyes; but then a strange soft whispering voice echoed in his head, telling him that love was always the same, always different and that it was okay to love fully and to feel fully.

Josh closed his eyes and felt the soft touch of Darren’s lips against his own. He felt the warmth of the lips, the fullness of them against his own shivering mouth and then he felt two strong arms grab hold of his own shivering limbs and he felt the deep passion coming from Darren flow into his own body.

The trembling stopped as the hands held him tight. He could feel the heat as it travelled deep into his soul and where there had been emptiness, a missing piece, he felt a strange new power growing there. Where darkness had dwelled for so many years, he could feel light starting to shine within.

He opened his eyes to see Darren, and his thoughts no longer rested on the dark shadowy figure walking towards the grave. He reached out with his hand, to touch Darren’s face and as it did, he felt his lips open fully, to let Darren inside.

His tongue roared past the open lips, to taste and explore the mouth like it never had before. He licked the upper palette, tasting the roof of Josh’s mouth and felt his lungs gasp for air as he forced his tongue down the back of the throat.

Darren’s body started to tremble with desire as he held tightly onto Josh’s body, feeling the waves of excitement going to and fro between them both. It was unsettling to his mind and yet his heart seemed to over rule it, and force him to go further. Darren could feel his penis growing hard inside of his shorts, and he could feel a strong ache growing in his rectum as he kissed Josh deeply and fully.

His hands fumbled as they started to roam across Josh’s body. He could feel the heart beating wildly inside the chest as his one hand caressed the left nipple, he could feel its hardness even through the cotton shirt that Josh wore and yet he knew it was twitching with his

gaystoryman

touch. His other hand roughly pressed the groin, feeling the jerking of Josh’s hard cock underneath the denim of the jeans.

His whole body was now one massive aching blob. There was something purely animal like in his desire for the young blonde man next to him, some sort of unreasoning urge to have him then and there. He looked into the blue eyes and saw the same exact feeling and he knew that this time, there would be no turning back.

Darren moved Josh to the ground, and lay on top of him. He smothered his face with kisses, while his hands moved across the twisting body that seemed to desire nothing more than to become a part of his body.

He could feel Josh’s hands now working on his own trembling body parts and somehow he felt his jeans open and the long thin fingers were now pushing aside his shorts to wiggle their way down into his groin. Darren groaned loudly as the thin fingers pressed up against his hard throbbing cock and then pushed even further downwards to press the hard skin of his balls.

His mouth gurgled with animalistic sounds as his own hands were roaming heavily across the milky white chest of Josh. He was pinching the hard nipples with one hand, while pressing the soft fleshy side with the other hand, making it reach down towards Josh’s bony hip.

Darren felt like some strange lustful angel possessed him. He couldn’t get enough of the young lithe body that writhed underneath his own body. He ached in places he never knew could ache as his hands continued their wanton exploration of Josh’s body. It wasn’t all a one way affair either.

Josh’s own hands moved like a possessed demon the way they grabbed and pulled at the hard man muscles on top of him, the way they shoved and pulled at the firm flesh, feeling it move and give and always come back for more.

His hands knew no boundary as they reached deep inside of the jeans to fondle and caress the hot throbbing cock and dangling balls. Josh could feel his head getting dizzy and all thoughts of others, even of Billy, no longer intruded on his wild passion.

The breathing was like two wild animals in the middle of the plains, grunting and groaning as they each sought for that golden moment, that special place where they could finally unburden their own passionate desires.

Darren could feel his balls tightening up around the root of his hard throbbing penis. He knew he had only seconds before he would be unable to contain himself. He let out a loud groan and just as he did he felt a strange presence deep in his soul. He felt like someone was walking through his entire body, the pain was intense and yet very desirable. He couldn’t hold on and he could feel the blood draining

gaystoryman

from every outer extremity.

Josh couldn’t believe the way his body was contorting under the wanton lust that had invaded his being. He couldn’t stop himself from moaning and gurgling as he strove to touch every part of Darren. There was nothing he didn’t want to feel, he wanted it all and every part of his body strove to give him just that.

He could feel the strange heat coming from without, the way it just covered him and slowly permeated into every part of his body. The way his blood suddenly seemed to get hotter, the way his lungs contracted in a desperate struggle for air all made him only want more. He could feel an unusual pain that hurt but felt so exciting. His hands couldn’t stop their frantic pulling and prodding of Darren’s man flesh. He could feel the vein swelling with each touch of his fingers and the scent was over powering to his nostrils.

A loud cry made his whole body shake and his hand twitched as it felt the sudden force of hot cream cascading into the palm. He shook more as another hot load of Darren’s milk came flooding out to send the first wave even further up his hand and arm.

His legs bucked as he felt the warmth and the noise only made him strive to get more of the fresh hot juice. His whole body was quivering as Darren released his load and it made his heart beat even faster and more uncontrollable.

Suddenly he felt his hand pushed away and his eyes fluttered briefly as the sensation of holding the hard throbbing penis was taken away from him. It was like suddenly going blind even though his eyes were clutched tightly closed.

Just as he started to feel an overwhelming sense of panic he felt Darren’s hands pushing at his groin. He felt a strange stickiness against his cheeks and he breathed in deeply, smelling that fresh aroma of man milk and he knew that Darren had moved his body so his exposed cream covered groin was now at Josh’s head.

Just as the realization hit him, he felt a sudden warmth explode around his own groin. The heat was intense as it quickly travelled up his own quivering pole, right past his balls and up his spine towards his quivering heart. The heat overpowered him, and his already hard pumping heart merely raced ahead faster as it dawned on him that his throbbing cock was now buried deep within Darren’s mouth.

Josh could feel his balls rubbing against Darren’s unshaved face, the bristles scratching the rough surface of his scrotum and he let out a loud drawn out cry of pure joy as his pubic hairs brushed firmly against Darren’s face.

The whole feeling was too much for him. The empty space in his soul was suddenly filled with a heart wrenching fullness that threatened to overtake his entire body. His mind reeled under the sudden joy that

gaystoryman

filled him as his body wriggled and shook to the intense pleasure that was rolling through it.

His legs were taut, no longer under any sort of control. His toes arched down and out towards Billy’s grave and his hands were flat out at either side, thumping the soft green grass into submission. His head tossed to and fro as Darren’s mouth moved up and down on his throbbing cock, licking under the head, filling the pee slit with its roughness, then running down the underside, pushing hard against the thick swollen vein that seemed to only grow larger with each lick, with each touch of the possessed tongue.

Josh was unable to contain himself, he could feel his balls slapping the underside of his cock and his legs were now thundering their own accord as they shook hard against the unyielding ground. His eyes fluttered and he managed to open them briefly to stare down at the scene.

He saw the tanned body, the flat washboard stomach of Darren and the rippling muscles of his belly as they contracted in unison with each movement of his wonderful head. That thin face, moving up and down on his pole made his heart quake in anticipation and he could see his toes bend in a totally unnatural position as his body ached in eager anticipation.

Josh’s eyes travelled downwards where two smiling figures stood, silhouetted against the golden yellow of the day’s sun. It was surreal, as he saw his own image standing next to that of Billy. Both were smiling, gazing down at him and Darren locked in a passionate embrace of immense proportions. He could see Billy’s smile and his heart jumped ahead with it and then raced forward as his balls were tight up against his shaft, aching and throbbing to the pressure of Darren’s mouth.

He could see his own image, grinning from ear to ear as it watched him unleash his muscles, uncoiling them to thrash with wild abandon on the hill top above. His eyes started to mist over as he glanced once more at the two images and he saw them, their hands joined together and between the clenched hands, he saw it, the bright rays of the sun catching it, making it glitter and shine.

Josh could feel his body exploding outwards. His hips thrust high up in the air, forcing his hard cock further into Darren’s throat. He could feel the cock head as it jerked hard inside of that eager sucking vacuum that was Darren’s throat; and with that last glance, he saw the golden rays shining around the locket, grasped firmly in the two hands, dangling between them, forever locked in place, never to be lost, forever joining the two images into one being.

As the rays of the sun grew from around the locket, and as his own body shook to its massive release of wild passion, Josh knew that he would be safe and loved in the arms of the one who had been meant for

gaystoryman

him all along, he knew that in Darren, he had found what he had needed. He had found, once more, true love.

Chapter 12

What the mind of man can conceive and believe,

The mind of man can achieve.

Napoleon Hill

Gordon was tossing and turning. His mind was refusing to let him sleep; he kept hearing his name and his heart was starting to ache. He could feel himself sweating as he tried to remain lost in sleep. Suddenly an image all draped in red appeared in his sleep-shrouded brain and he woke up screaming.

He couldn’t believe it, his heart had to be going a thousand beats per second, and his pulse was racing as he tried to calm himself. He looked around and found that Josh had left.

He was a bit saddened by that; for a moment he had thought that maybe, just maybe, Josh was finally turning the corner on his grief. He felt unsettled though, as he thought of the pale young man, the one who had crawled into his bed, what, only a few hours ago, judging by the clock radio.

Gordon felt chilled, yet there was a warm breeze blowing in off the bay. He could see the drapes flowing gently in the summer breeze, yet he felt cold, as if something was wrong.

He lay there, going over everything of this past week, of how Josh had barely eaten, had barely even spoke despite his best attempts. He even ignored Manuel’s chatter, which was unusual for Josh. Yet today had been different, he had almost seemed happy, well, no that wasn’t the word, maybe more at peace would best describe it.

He had eaten well, too, almost like his old young self and that was certainly a step in the right direction, wasn’t it? So why was he feeling like something was terribly wrong? Why did he have this icy cold fear gripping at his heart now?

gaystoryman

Gordon got up from his bed and walked over to the window, to glance out. He saw the stars but something seemed wrong, they didn’t glitter for him, instead they seemed shrouded in a grey mist, yet the bay was clear, no fog was coming in.

He glanced back up to see the moon, and even that was misted over. As he stared towards the heavens, his heart felt heavier, like an impending doom was about to happen. Damn, he couldn’t handle any more bad news, not now, not when he had so much to do, so much to take care of.

The chill was penetrating his bones. He could feel it deep inside of them; even his penis was shrivelled up deep within his body, something that rarely happened to him. He stood there and shivered and reached out to his night chair, to grab his robe and wrap himself up in it. He huddled within the warm fibres, yet he still could feel his body trembling with cold.

Gordon looked around the room, feeling out of place, as if he wasn’t supposed to be here. The unease grew in the pit of his stomach as he walked around his room, trying to warm up and also trying to find the source of his discomfort.

Finally he found himself out in the hallway of the upper level. He had on his slippers and socks plus a pair of jeans, in an effort to warm him. The hallway was dark, only small shadows danced along the walls from the tiny night lights that dotted the lower portion of the walls. Yet, as he stared down the long empty passage, he felt the chill grow inside of him.

Clutching the robe tightly around him, he walked softly down the hall, towards the guest rooms. He wondered why the house was so cold, so empty feeling. The small lights looked dim in the dark of night, yet he never remembered them that way before. As he passed by the stairway he felt an urge to merely run down the stairs and leave.

He had never felt so alone before; nothing had ever made him feel this lonely, this desirous of hearing another’s voice. Stopping at the head of the stairs, he battled the sudden urge to leave his home. Now he knew something was wrong, nothing could ever make him want to leave and yet here was this insane desire to run.

Somehow he summoned up his strength and proceeded down the hallway towards their room. He could barely see down the passageway but he knew he had to continue. It was like a magnet pulling at him, he just had to go there now that he had discarded the idea of running.

Coming from the other end he saw a candlelight flickering and he knew that Manuel was making his nightly sojourn. He glanced at his Rolex and saw that tonight Manuel was earlier than usual. Maybe the sudden chill in the house spooked him, too. Gordon waited by the doorway to their room, waiting for Manuel to reach him.

gaystoryman

150

“The house, it is in pain Master Gordon, do you feel it?”

“In pain, the house? What are you talking about Manuel, it is cold but… maybe the heating system is on the fritz.”

“No Sir, it is the house, it cries, please Sir, is Master Josh okay? I have never felt the house like this before.”

Gordon stared into the weathered old face of his faithful servant. For many years they had been together, and always Manuel had been like a rock. He could see the fear in his eyes; hell he could taste it himself.

The mention of Josh’s name made him cringe suddenly, even as he stared deep into Manuel’s eyes, he knew that he spoke the truth. The house was indeed crying out to them. He glanced to the door, a pale golden glow seemed to be coming right through the two solid wooden doors and turned to face Manuel, to see if he too saw the golden glow. Instead all he saw was Manuel waiting his orders. There was no sign that he had seen the sudden burst of gold come through the doors. Gordon turned back to the doorway, feeling a sense of warmth enter his body. He could hear voices, and he could feel pain and terror too.

Whateverlay behind that door was not something he wished to see, yet he reached out with his one hand to grab the door handle. As it touched the metal, he felt a burning heat scorch his hand, causing him to yelp in pain and rear back in astonishment.

“What is it Master Gordon?” Manuel asked.

Gordon turned to his faithful servant, and in a shaking voice he issued his instructions.

“Call 911 Manuel, get an ambulance here immediately then bring me some towels… hurry.”

With those words barely from his lips Gordon pushed open the door to enter the room. Inside he saw the body of Josh lying prone on the bed, a dark patch spreading around the waist and an eerie glow filled his eyes. There were shadowy shapes floating across the room, asif they were waiting for him.

With his heart in his throat, he approached the bed, fearful of what he knew he was going to see. He carefully approached the bed to see the darkening pool turn red before his eyes. Even in the darkness of the night he knew it was Josh’s blood.

His heart stopped, his hand clutched at his chest willing it to beat once more, not to fail him now. Suddenly all of his years of fear and loneliness seemed to well up inside of him, immobilizing him when action was most needed. But then, that was the story of his life; he always failed when it was time to be counted.

He started to shake from his fear, the vision of Josh laying there, his life blood slowly draining from his young body stunned him, made him cower within his own frame. Gordon was powerless to help, the

gaystoryman

fear of his entire life, that controlling fear had gripped him once again.

“Oh God, help me,” he cried out into the darkness, sobbing now as he struggled to regain his composure; but instead, he staggered backwards, hitting his backside against the bureau. He felt the solid wood against his spine, causing him some pain but nothing like what was tearing at his soul this very second.

Tears clouded his eyes and his hands covered them, trying to hide the sight before him. His whole body quivered from his fear and once more he felt himself sliding down. He could feel the brass knobs of the bureau rub against his back as his legs started to give out from under him and his massive bulk started to succumb to nature’s gravity.

Just as he was about to fall beyond the point of no return a soft golden light filled the room. He stopped his motion, finding alast ounce of strength to support his weight. His hands dropped to his side and he watched in awe as the room gradually filled with a strange golden cloud or mist.

He could see it waft around the bed covering it in its pale yellow and then start to move outwards, to fill the entire bedroom with its willowy golden pallor. Frightened, he backed up, his legs finding more strength to raise his girth to stand up hard against the dresser bureau.

The golden mist grew, coming closer to him like a spider’s web, it floated across the room, sweeping aside the darkness and the gloom that had filled the chamber. It reached out, and gradually he could feel it wrap its tendrils around his own shivering body.

The chill in his bones seemed to be suddenly cleansed from him. He no longer felt like he was in the Arctic circle, and his body seemed to gain strength. He looked outwards; letting the pale yellow mist cover him and suddenly he heard a soft voice echo in his ears.

“Cast aside your fear and have trust in me my son.”

The words were ever so soft, ever so quiet in his ears. He could barely distinguish them. They didn’t stop though, the words seemed to gain life and spread through his entire body. He could feel them, as if they were made of a solid material. He could feel them gain strength as they travelled within his body, reaching his legs, his toes, his arms, his hands, even his fingers.

Every hair on his amble body seemed to come alive as the words passed by them, making them stand tall and straight. His whole body suddenly felt alive again, a strange sound came from his lips as he found himself moving from the bureau towards the bed.

As he walked forward, the light grew brighter and his resolve grew stronger. He could feel his blood boiling inside of him, feel it course through his body like it had never done before. Each step brought him new power, new strength as the words grew in volume now, they filled his lungs with fresh sweet air, making him grow even more purposeful.

gaystoryman

His heart seemed to gather itself and beat strong and steady now as if it was the heart of a child.

The muscles in his body coiled anew, fresh and invigorated, ready for a marathon race that only 20 year olds could run. The words boomed now in his head, filled it with its love, its faith and he knew now that he could do this.

He was at the bed, at Josh’s side and he saw the blood still dripping out of his hands. With a surprising strength he reached across and took the pillow case off the pillow, shredding it into two. He placed one of these pieces on each upper arm of the limp body, knowing that it was in time.

Gordon then sat on the bed and gently lifted up the two young blood drenched arms, to keep them higher up and to lessen their demand on the young heart that was still beating.

“It is going to be okay Josh, I promise you, I won’t let you go, you are going to survive this, we are here with you now.”

He had no idea why he spoke, but as his words left his mouth he felt a great sense of relief in his own heart. The panic was gone; the fear of his failures no longer clouded him, his body felt fresh and alive, ready to fight the days battles.

Gordon waited as heard the far off shrill of the ambulance siren, knowing that help was seconds away now. He looked down and saw a strange smile cross the pale face. Still holding his hands high, Gordon bent down and lightly kissed the lips of the young man. He could feel the life still flowing inside and he knew that it would be okay.

Tears rolled down his face as he heard the urgent rush of feet coming up the stairs. He glanced upwards, watching the golden light slowly disappear upwards, and he mouthed a silent thank you.

As the word left his lips, a soft hand reached down from out of the golden light and brushed away his tears, and rested briefly on the side of his face. Gordon felt a strange peace enter his body, a strange calm seemed to take charge over him and for the first time in his entire life, he knew he would never be alone again. He had been found.

gaystoryman

The last few hours had been a mass of discussions, pleas, and down right bribes but Gordon had been a man possessed. Nothing stood before him that he couldn’t conquer and he had finally won the day.

The police would not pursue any action; they had agreed to leave it to him and his family physician. The local hospital doctors had been calmed and the restraints they had placed on Josh’s body had been removed.

His own family doctor had been quelled by his resolve and had acquiesced in Gordon’s demands. He had moved mountains in a few short hours and now here he sat, next to his ward, in a private room.

A private nurse sat further away, in her own corner, reading a book. Every now and then she would get up to adjust the tubes and check the vital signs, and each time she did she saw the old man glance at her, smile and return to stare at the young face. She didn’t know why she was even here, but for $100 an hour she didn’t question the request.

Gordon sat there, every now and then he would glance around the room, wondering if all that had happened was real, but the tubes sticking out of Josh showed him just how real it had been. He still felt like he could climb Mt. Everest, the adrenalin still pumping through his aged body as daylight broke and the day began anew.

It really was something to watch the golden orb of the sun rise up out of the deep darkness of the night, to cast its brilliance over the land as it rose majestically up from out of the night.

Doctors came and went throughout the morning, and he briefly took a nap before waking once again to regain his vigil. He knew he needed to be awake for when Josh woke up out of his sleep. The doctors had told him how lucky he had been, that he was minutes from having bled out and that only the strange action of his had saved the young boy’s life.

The nurse had changed, a new one sat in her corner, reading just like the other one. She was merely a fixture in the room and he was oblivious to her until it was her time to check. Then he was attentive, making sure that nothing untoward had occurred.

“Are you Gordon?” a voice asked from the doorway.

Gordon glanced over to see a tall young man standing in the doorway, dressed in black shirt with a starched white collar.

“Yes, you are?”

“I am Father Leery, the hospital chaplain.”

“Oh, what can I do for you Father?”

“I understand our young friend there tried to commit suicide, I am here to offer him some counselling, to help you cope with this tragedy.”

“Tragedy? You don’t understand Father, he is alive, there is no tragedy in that.”

“Well, yes, but he did try to take his own life, didn’t he?”

“True, but we are quite capable of handling that, I am sure he won’t be doing that again.”

“I see you are RC, but there is nothing listed for our friend there… is he?”

“Father, no disrespect, but his name is Josh, as I am sure you know, and what difference does it make what religious order he follows? He is still a child of God.”

“Uh, well… yes I am sure he is, one who is in need of guidance

gaystoryman

none the less.”

“Guidance? What is it you are trying to say Father?”

“His soul is in danger Mr. Uh? Your last name is?”

“Grayson Father, Gordon Wentworth Grayson, the second, if you want the full name.”

“Oh, of the Grayson’s from Texas? Those Grayson’s?”

“Yes, but that was a long time ago, now what is it you wish to say Father?”

“Well, yes, uh, your friend is in need of spiritual help Mr. Grayson, he has committed a mortalsin against God and only luck prevented him from joining an eternity of pain and sorrow.”

“Says you Father, personally it is by God’s hand that he is still with us, and had it not been God’s will, then he would be with him now. Sorry Father, but I do not accept your interpretation of how God works.”

“Well, that is why I am a priest Mr. Grayson, it is my duty, no my calling to show you the ways of God.”

“Father, uh Leery is it? Yes, well I am a member of the church, have been for a long time and my pastor will tend to our spiritual needs, thank you for your concern, but really we are fine.”

“Well, as you wish, it is just we have so many who come through these doors that never survive, and those who do manage to survive, do so by sheer luck and fate. I would hate to see him throw away this opportunity.”

gaystoryman

“Yes, well as I said Father, he was not brought back to us by luck, you may call it that; I prefer to call it by God’s will, and again, thank you for your concern, but really you can’t help us.”

“Well, I am required by law to meet with all patients who have attempted suicide, it is part of my job I am afraid.”

“Yes? Well Father you won’t be meeting with Josh.”

“I am afraid Mr. Grayson you don’t really have a say in that, it is hospital policy and as I said, I am required to by law.”

“Well the District Attorney says you won’t, Father, and the Hospital Administrator will confirm that for you later in the day… now good day Father.”

The priest left the room, obviously distraught but none the less, Gordon had once again protected his charge. No one was going to try and foist some out dated concept on his ward. Not even the blasted Pope if it came down to that.

The day dragged on for Gordon, and he could see colour returning to Josh’s face as his body was slowly replenished of its blood supply. The red plastic bag continued to dangle from the above the bed, and he could see Josh starting to move more as the afternoon wore on.

“Well Gordon… Here you are.”

“Huh? Well, about time old friend, what took you so long?”

“Just as ornery as ever aren’t you?”

“No, no my old friend, not at all, thank you for coming, I am sorry, it has been a long night and day.”

“Yes, so I hear, you have been a holy terror around here, throwing your weight around like it was confetti. So, how is he?”

“Good, he is still sleeping. The doctors figure he’ll sleep most of the night through given the amount of blood he lost.”

“Yes, it is a shame, but thank God you were able to slow down the process until help arrived.”

“I only did what I was told Mike… uh, maybe we should step outside to talk.”

“Well… it is more private here, maybe the nurse could excuse us?”

“Yes, yes, Ms, would you mind, the Father and I wish to talk alone.”

“Certainly Sir.”

The nurse left quickly, not sure what the hell was going on. She had heard how this fat man who hovered over the young boy had dealt with the hospital pastor, and now here was another of them in the room, but this one seemed to be a friend. Well, not for her to question anyway, and she wasn’t due to check anything for another hour, so she left and headed off to get a coffee.

“You know how I have always been no good in a crisis Mike?”

“Well now I wouldn’t say that exactly…”

“Don’t flatter me Mike, you know I fall apart each time that there is a major crisis…”

“Well, okay, yes to a point, but you handled yourself fine when that young man got shot, and now with this young man…”

“No, I didn’t handle myself well, I fell apart as usual, ever since I found my Mother dead in her room, I have never been able to cope, you know that Mike.”

“Yes, okay fine, but what does that have to do with anything now? You performed beyond measure with this young man.”

“Do you believe in divine intervention Mike?”

“What kind of priest would I be if I didn’t Gordon, but surely… now come on Gordon.”

“I swear Mike… it is the truth I merely did what I was told.”

“Told? Who told you? Who else was in the room with you Gordon? Manuel?”

“God… least that is who I think it was.”

“Well now Gordon, I am sure God was with you, he always is with us, but come on now…”

“No Mike, not like that… Mike I swear, I didn’t know what to do, hell I didn’t even know there was anything wrong and yet I sent Manuel

gaystoryman

to call 911 before I even opened the door to the room.”

“Okay, so you had a premonition of danger, you acted well, why are you so bothered by this?”

“Don’t you see? He was there Mike, I can’t explain it, other than that there was this light, sort of, sort of not, it was the most eerie feeling I have ever had, yet instead of panicking, I felt calm, I felt at ease, and I just knew what to do, like there was this voice in my head telling me, guiding me onwards… and Mike…”

“Yes?”

“Mike, I am not afraid anymore, I know that I have hidden from my life, from everything, but no more. The light, I just can’t explain this.”

“This light? Are you sure it simply wasn’t a light reflection from one of the lamps in the room?”

“No Mike, it was no reflection. It confused me Mike, scared me at first, but it reached out, it held me. Mike am I losing my mind?”

“Hmm, no Gordon, I think though that stress has a way of inducing some of these visions, I just don’t know. It is something the Church has tried to explain but rarely is there a satisfactory answer.”

“In other words you have no answers either.”

“True, did you expect any?”

“No, no I guess I didn’t. There is another matter though Mike, one I need your help on, but first, well first I need to know where you stand on attempted suicide?”

“Stand? I am opposed to the taking of a life, no matter the method, but that isn’t what you mean is it?”

“No, as a spiritual counsellor, how would you approach the subject?”

“Is this about our young friend there?”

“Yes, there is a bureaucratic regulation that requires some form of counselling.”

“And the hospital pastor isn’t to your liking?”

“HELL NO, HE AS Much, sorry, no he isn’t right, he’s too wrapped in the word of the church, least… well…”

“Well, you certainly are full of surprises tonight my friend, how do I answer you? I really don’t know… maybe the way is to say that the Church frowns on suicide, now don’t get on your high horse, hear me out.”

“Okay.”

“Good, as I was saying the Church frowns on suicide per se, personally I feel that there is a great deal of room in scriptures for a priest to work. I think that suicide is a tortured soul crying out for help, to the last person who can possibly help, and that is the Lord.

“I don’t know, I have no idea why a person would want to commit

gaystoryman

such a horrible deed, unless they were indeed tortured beyond toleration. I think that they have sought other solutions; I mean most suicides are not a spur of the moment thing, it is built up to in stages, least that is how I see it.

“What happens is sometimes the signs are just too normal, too routine for us to recognize, and so the person feels unaided, alone, and desperate and they seek an end to their pain on this earth.

“That said I couldn’t believe in a God who would turn his back on any of his children, no matter their crime on this earth or of their sins against him. I don’t follow that a person is condemned to an eternal wondering in space for taking their own life, I just can’t imagine any God of Love being that cruel to his children.

“Does that help you Gordon?”

Gordon sat there, his hands up to his face as he thought it all over. He was certain that something had happened to him, how did he know to have Manuel call 911? How did he know that Josh was even in trouble, never mind how to slow down his possible demise?

“Yes, I think in some ways it does.”

“So, you want me to handle the counselling?”

“Yes, if you will Mike, I would appreciate it.”

“And what about you my friend? Can I come and talk with you too?”

“Me? Why me?”

“Oh but you are as much a victim in this as that poor young man, maybe talking can help?”

“Help? Help what Mike? Help to understand how God can take one and save another? No, I am not angry, but I don’t like it, but I also have no choice but to trust in him, so, help Mike? No, but yes I would like to talk more with you.”

Father Mike looked at his friend with his head cocked to one side. There was a change in the man, something he hadn’t noticed before. Gordon had always been bluster and bluff, but when things came down to a crisis, he was nothing more than a whining child unsure of himself. Yet now, now he seemed to suddenly have changed. There was self-assurance, something he hadn’t ever seen in his friend before.

Whatever happened in that room had definitely changed his friend and for the better it seemed. He was pleased by the change too, because he knew deep down that Gordon was really a very nice man. There was no doubt God moved in mysterious ways.

“Well my friend, I should leave, have you had any rest yet? Would you like me to stay a bit while you get some rest?”

“Rest? No, no I haven’t really, I… I don’t know, I should stay here Mike, he needs to see me when he wakes up.”

“Well, making yourself sick isn’t going to help him much, now is

gaystoryman

it old friend? And besides the doctor’s say he will be sleeping for several more hours, so come on, why don’t you go out into the lounge and stretch out?”

“I know you are here Gordon,” a small frail voice echoed from the far end of the room. Both the Priest and Gordon turned to see a wide awake Josh in the bed, staring at them.

Gordon rushed to his side, and picked up his hand, holding it close to his face, kissing it and bubbling with pure joy.

“OH Josh, I am so sorry.”

“Gordon… No, I am the one… Oh Gordon, I don’t know how to… I mean am I nuts?”

“No, no my boy you aren’t nuts, you have had a bad time but now everything is going to be alright.”

“Yes, I know it is… Gordon, he really does love me, you know?”

“He? Who Josh?”

“Billy, he really does love me. I never realized it before he made me come back, but now I know.”

“Billy made you come back? Josh are you delirious? What are you saying?”

“It was him, I know it sounds crazy Gordon, maybe I am Looney, but they both made me come back, I was such a fool, I…”

“Both?”

“Yes, there was this strange voice, it had a ring of steel to it, yet it felt so soft when it wrapped around me, and he had such gentle hands, they were like… I can’t explain it.”

“Hush, you are tired, you lost a great deal of blood Josh.”

“I know, but you saved me Gordon, just like he said you would.”

“He?”

“The voice, he told me to hang on, to cling to my love and wait for you, he was right, he really was.”

Gordon turned to look at his old friend, Father Mike, and saw tears rolling down his face. He really didn’t understand why until he turned back to Josh, and saw him smiling. There was a strange sense of peace around him, a strange glow that seemed to come from within. A soft golden hue was reflected on the pillow and both Gordon and the Priest turned to the window to see if it was the sun, both knowing it wasn’t.

Chapter 11

There is no death, only a change of worlds.

Native American Proverb

The morning broke through the darkened room, Gordon sleeping in the chair, his hand still touching that of Josh’s. The light made him blink and squirm in the chair as he opened his eyes to see the day’s beginnings. His heart still ached, but he felt that at least now he had a chance to still make it right. The pendent still lay in Josh’s hand, the tiny silver trinket that somehow had shone beyond its worth last

gaystoryman

night.

He shook his head, not sure if what his mind was telling him really happened. There was no explanation for it, but something had foundits way into his soul to give him the strength and the words to say. Gordon stared down at Josh’s sleeping figure, seeing the dark bruises around the eyes, seeing the drawn cheeks as he breathed regularly. His heart ached for the young boy, and he knew that last night’s release was only temporary, for them both. They still had today to face.

As Gordon climbed into his bed, he thought about this last week, and how slowly and painful it had been. At times he thought Josh was coming around, least there was hope. Today he had actually eaten pretty normally, but other than dinner tonight, Josh had more or less stopped eating.

For the most part, Josh had remained sullen, his eyes never far from filling with grief, never far from hardening in some deep dark thought as he went through the motions of existing. Gordon had found him in odd places too, like he was searching for something.

136

As Gordon crawled into his bed, he wondered if Josh would ever return to the vibrant young man who had first crossed his threshold. He also wondered if he would ever get over the feeling of despair that haunted him as he too walked the seemingly empty house.

Funny, he was so used to living alone, just him and Manuel, and yet ever since Billy and Josh had arrived that morning, the house had seemed fuller, more alive. Now, it seemed cold and forbidding, as if it, too, was in mourning for that sweet laughter that was Billy.

The door to his room opened and he turned his face to see the silhouette of Josh in the doorway. There was something different about Josh, the way he stood erect, not slouched over as he had been all week.

“Something wrong Josh?”

“No… Gordon… I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

“Well… uh… okay come on in.”

Josh moved into the room, his bathrobe carefully wrapped around his tall angular frame. He softly walked up to the bed, his eyes swivelling, taking in every aspect of the ornate bedroom that was Gordon’s.

“I am sorry Gordon… it is just that tonight, well, I just want some company… can I lay here with you awhile?”

Gordon felt a lump in his throat, the way the soft voice was pleading with him. He felt so needed at that moment, something he had never really felt before. His hands trembled slightly as he opened the blankets up, to let Josh slip in.

Josh tossed his bathrobe off, revealing his perfectly tanned body to Gordon’s aged eyes. There were still some bruises, visible even now a week later. Quietly and slowly he climbed into the large king sized bed and snuggled himself in, moving his lanky frame to lay against Gordon’s portly body.

He could feel the warmth of Gordon’s skin and he could even hear his heart skipping a beat as he wrapped himself up next to Gordon. Josh placed one arm around the massive chest of Gordon and nestled his head on top of Gordon’s shoulder.

“You feeling all right Josh?” Gordon asked softly, his arm wrapped around Josh’s thin shoulder. He felt cold, almost clammy like as if he had been in a cold sweat. His heart had skipped a beat as his body felt the young boy’s legs cover his, his arms move around his ample girth.

“Yeah, I just needed to be held, you don’t mind do you?”

“No Josh, I don’t mind, you know… Hell… you know how I feel about you… you get some sleep, I am here.”

“Thanks Gordon, I know you are here…”Gordon…”

“Yes.”

“Thanks for everything, okay?”

“Thanks? Oh… okay, well you are welcome my young friend.”

gaystoryman

“I mean it Gordon, you don’t know how much this last week has meant to me, your consideration and well… your friendship.”

“Hush now Josh… it really isn’t anything… you are a special friend… I only wish I could do more.”

“No… there really isn’t anything more you can or could of done. You have to know that.”

Gordon felt slightly uneasy with the conversation. It was difficult, there was so many emotions running through his mind at the same time. He could smell the shampoo scent from Josh’s hair that was nestled under his chin, and yet he felt strangely cold.

He didn’t understand it, Josh’s voice had a surprising strength to it, yet for the most part of this last week he had barely uttered two words together before breaking down in tears. Now he seemed to be at ease, calm and collected, almost like his old self again.

“I am always going to be here for you Josh… no matter what, you do know that?”

“Yes Gordon…”

They lay there, lost in the darkness, each with their own thoughts racing through their minds. Gordon felt uneasy, and yet finally his chest started moving in a steady rhythm. His eyes were closed; a soft whistle escaped his lips every now and then as he drifted off into a deep sleep.

Josh could feel the change in Gordon’s breathing and he waited. He counted the time left, waiting as he felt the steady rise and fall of Gordon’s chest beneath his head. He really wasn’t a bad guy, he certainly had changed, but then so had he.

Carefully, when he was sure that Gordon was fast asleep, he removed himself from his side, standing briefly at the side of the bed, looking down at the sleeping old man. He had done so much for them, for him and Billy. It really wasn’t fair to him, but he had no choice.

Softly he walked back to his room, where he stood at its threshold, looking at the dark room. He glanced to the bed, recalling how Billy had made him lay down then slowly undressed, then he saw the time when Billy had come home all beaten from a bad trick.

He could see Gordon bustling around taking charge to make sure Billy was comfortable, how he felt like it had been his fault that Billy was hurt. He could even hear Billy joking about it. Josh glanced over to the desk in the far corner, and remembered how they had sat there, planning their future together.

Slowly he walked over the desk, where he saw the pendent laying on the table. Beside it lay his note, and he glanced down, his hand running lightly over the high quality paper, and he saw his halting scrawl across the pure white vellum. Tears formed at the corner’s of his eyes as he reread what he put down.

It had taken him most of the evening to write, but he felt he had

gaystoryman

done it right. Everything that needed to be said was said in that letter. He picked up the pieces of paper and folded them in half, then stuffed them in the long envelope. As he pushed the paper inside, he felt a slight chill enter the room. He shivered briefly, as the tears started to roll down his cheeks.

“Soon, soon it will be as it was meant to be,” he whispered into the dark stillness of the night.

Josh picked up the pendent and brought it up to his lips. He felt it as he kissed the cold metal, a strange burning sensation flowed through his body and he shivered with the strange feeling. The tears rolled down but he quickly wiped them away with the back of his hand. He took the pendent and lovingly placed it within the envelope with the paper.

He thought his hands would be trembling by now, yet they were as steady as a rock, as he sealed the envelope and addressed it. He walked over to the bed, and placed it up against the ticking clock radio on the nightstand. Josh sighed deeply as his hand ran over the pillow where he and Billy had lain. He felt so at peace at this moment in time, he wished it had been like this.

Josh glanced upwards, as if he could see the stars or the heavens through the ceiling. Instead all he could see was the darkness, the deep dark emptiness that was his life. With methodical precision he proceeded to dress himself, putting on clean clothes and then he took the small razor from his bureau.

He looked at it for a few minutes, turning it over in his hand, then he looked around the room, seeing every spot one more time. One last look as he lay down on the bed, where Billy had lain in his pain that night. He could still smell his scent, his aroma wafted across his nostrils as he clenched his teeth and ran the sharp razor across his wrist.

The pain stung him for a moment. He hesitated as doubts came flooding in, then he saw Billy’s smiling face and he finished the job, doing both wrists and then he just lay there, his eyes closed as he waited for his chance to meet once more with the love of his life.

It was strange, the way he felt suddenly warm all over. The room was still black but he was sure he could see a small light in the corner. He opened his deep blue eyes and he felt like he was floating on a cloud. Nothing seemed to hurt, and he could feel no pain. His heart was pounding in a steady rhythm, yet he felt nothing. His chest didn’t heave with exertion, his ribs didn’t ache from the strain and he saw a dim shape coming into his vision.

“BILLY!” he cried out, and waited. “BILLY IS THAT YOU,” he cried out once more, waiting for the reunion he had sought.

He could feel himself standing, his body draped in a mist and he felt rather strange. He wasn’t dressed, his clothes had disappeared, and he stood in a swirling fog of gray. The shape at the end grew lighter, but

gaystoryman

it wasn’t like he had thought. There was no bright brilliant golden light,

no shining glow to guide him, just a shape in the darkness.

“Billy… Answer me… oh God, Please is that you Billy?”

“Yes… . You aren’t supposed to be here Josh.”

“Oh Billy. Thank God I have found you… why can’t I see you? You are in a fog… please come and get me Billy, I need you.”

“NO JOSHUA, HE CAN’T.”

“Who is that? Billy… help me I am scared. Who is that?”

The voice had echoed around him, the fog had risen and he could barely see the glimmering image of who he thought was Billy. He struggled to run, to raise his feet and move but they felt like they were encased in cement. He couldn’t move, he looked around, hearing the voice echoing like in a large empty room. He reached up to place his hands over his ears but they, too, refused to obey his brain.

“YOU MUST GO BACK JOSHUA,” the voice said.

“NO… I CAN’T,” he yelled back, desperate now in his quest to reach forward. He squirmed in the swirling fog, struggling to free himself.

“BILLY HELP ME,” he called out.

Suddenly the fog stopped its swirling and a deep golden light seemed to surround him. He glanced in every direction to see what was happening, panic gripping his heart as he struggled to free himself from the terrible grey fog.

“You are not meant to be here Joshua,” the voice said softly in his ear. He twisted his head but found no one there. The words, though soft, held a strange tone to them.

“I have to be, don’t you see? Who are you?”

“I am he who has no name,” the voice replied. “I am the one who knew you long before you were even a thought in your mortal parents minds, I am he.”

Josh felt himself falling to his knees as the words floated around him. He felt himself shaking, his body trembling as he struggled with his thoughts.

“Billy help me, please if you love me, help me now… please Billy,” he cried out, his head buried in his hands now, the fog calmed slightly. He could feel a strange warmth and yet he felt chilled. How could he have come this far and fail? Was this how God loved his children, after he made the ultimate sacrifice to reunite with the only love he knew?

“I do love you Josh, you must know that.” The voice was pained; the hurt evident as Josh tried to see into the light mist that shrouded his one time lover.

“Why can’t I see you?” he cried out.

“It is not your time yet to see him Joshua,” the voice commanded.

He was terrified, the loud voice had him cowering amongst the

gaystoryman

mist, yet somehow he found his voice and he stammered out his final plea.

“But I can’t go back, I can’t live without him, Oh Father, Please, I can’t live without him.” His voice trailed away and for a brief second he felt the light grow brighter, the shape grew harder in definition, and he could almost make out Billy’s hair.

“You are not alone my son,” the voice softly said, and once more Josh felt the warmth as it caressed his naked body. He felt a strange glow touch him and he lowered his hands from his face, to stare into a soft golden light that hovered over and around him. He could see the tall silhouette in the distance, knowing that was Billy.

“Please,” he pleaded, his eyes searching the light for the source of the voice.

“I am here Josh,” the silhouette said, the voice clearly Billy’s and he glanced over to see the shape come closer and stop. He reached out with his hand to touch him and felt a strange jolt pass through his body. He shook as he realized that he had reached his destination.

“You will see him when it is your time my son,” the voice spoke.

“I can’t go back, please.”

“I will be with you Josh. You have to trust me.”

“But Billy, oh please, let me stay, say something… please…”

“No, Josh, we had such plans, you and I.”

“But they are gone now. They left when you were taken from me, I can’t go on.”

gaystoryman

“You must, if you love me.”

“How? How can I go on when everywhere I look I see you, I see where we talked, where we kissed; and yet each time, I feel a hole deep inside of me, how can I go on?”

“By knowing that I am with you even now.”

“But you aren’t, oh Billy, I ache so much, it hurts… please, I just want the pain to go away.”

Josh could feel the tears flowing down his cheeks, his breathing was tortured and he could now feel his chest aching. His whole body quaked with his deep sobs as his heart pounded out its deep distress.

A gentle hand ran across his face, wiping away his tears and he stared up into a bright glow of light. He reached up with his hands and felt a strange, almost physical presence hold him. He was wrapped in the light now, his tears no longer flowing, the pain in his heart no longer ached and he felt like he was at peace. He stared out to see Billy’s shadow and he knew that he was smiling.

Slowly he felt himself being lifted off his knees to stand on his own two feet. The fog no longer menaced him, instead it seemed to comfort him as he looked long at the shadow that was Billy.

As he stared ahead, he saw the face change, the darkened shadow no longer hiding the face from him. He could see Billy’s dark hair showing through, a tinge of golden light behind it. Then the forehead took shape and he could see the small red mark by the left eye, the one he kissed briefly that night before Billy had left him for good.

The eyes came into focus, he could see the deep green eyes now, the dark eyelashes fluttered at him and his heart soared upwards. His whole body was glowing now, as he tried to reach out, yet knowing it was futile. Instead he just felt faint, almost to the point of collapse and yet he remained standing, supported by only a deepening golden light.

“I love you Billy,” he managed to say, his voice cracked and desperate. He knew he wasn’t going to be with him now, he knew that his time had not yet come.

“I love you Josh,” the voice said and then the eyes locked onto his. Billy’s dark green eyes narrowed in on the light blue eyes of Josh. They held each other, time no longer existing.

“I am so afraid Billy,” his heart said, and he could feel the answer coming to him from across the swirling mist.

“I know Josh, but I am with you.”

“I know, it is just… I don’t know how I can manage, I need you Billy, I need to feel you, to hold you again, I don’t think I can make it without that.”

“Close your eyes Josh, close them and listen to me.”

Josh did as the words ordered, he closed his eyes and leaned back into the golden light, the light that held him from falling downwards. He felt like he was floating now, brilliant flashes of light seemed to cross across his face and yet his eyes remained tightly shut. Suddenly he could hear the beat of another heart, and he knew that Billy was with him. He breathed a deep sigh and let himself fall further back, knowing that he would not be hurt.

“Yes, I see the Motel” he answered, the voice calmly guiding him in his vision

“Look there Josh, see… Do you see us?”

“Yes.”

“Look at me there Josh, see me waiting for you?”

“Yes, yes I do.”

“Can you smell it?”

“Yes, its that cologne you use, I can smell it Billy, oh God it is so sweet to smell that once again.”

“Reach out Josh, touch me … go on.”

Josh was hesitant, this was unreal. He knew that it had to be a dream, yet it all looked so real, so natural.

His eyes still closed, he hesitantly moved his hand outwards, reaching for Billy’s naked body that lay stretched across the motel room bed. He inched it slowly along the bed, actually feeling the soft cotton

gaystoryman

sheets, as his fingers moved closer.

“Come on Josh, don’t be afraid, touch me.”

“Yes.”

His fingers touched the warm flesh in front of him. He jumped back as they felt the soft skin that was Billy’s body. He could feel him, touch him and yet this wasn’t possible. How could he be touching someone who was dead?

“Go on Josh, don’t be afraid, touch me.”

Josh looked down, saw the shimmering flesh and he could feel the warmth rising up to greet his hand. Trembling, he reached out with his one hand, to touch what was surely an illusion, but as his hand grew closer he could feel the heat grow.

He reared back a bit, yet he could hear the voice telling him to trust him, and it was Billy’s voice. Once more he reached out, his fingers grazing the base of the erect penis, and he could feel the rough skin, the tiny harsh pubic hairs that were surrounding the large pulsing penis.

This couldn’t be, yet it was. He touched and felt a strong jolt of electricity pass up his arm. His fingers could feel a strange warmth as they gently brushed up against the hot flesh.

“Go on Josh, hold it,” the voice urged.

Josh wrapped his fingers around the thick pole, feeling it move under his touch, feeling the blood racing through it, and he felt his heart skip a beat. His breath was taken away as he realized he was physically touching Billy once more.

He brushed the large penis, running his fingers up the hard shaft, feeling the thick vein underneath pulse with each touch of his fingers. He could feel his own heart starting to beat in time with the pulse coming from the hot cock.

“Yes Josh, that’s it, kiss it Josh, kiss it.”

He bent his head forward, following the instructions being whispered into his ear. He leaned forward, pursing his lips and yet he couldn’t close his eyes. His blue eyes were focused on the rising flesh coming closer to his own face.

Josh could see every part of the huge throbbing penis. He saw each vein twitch as blood flowed in it, he saw every tiny hair around it, the way the skin was stretched and etched with lines and wrinkles. Everything was clear to him as his lips came closer to the fiery red eye that was the head of this pulsing penis.

Slowly his lips came closer, and as they touched the head he could taste a sudden saltiness. A searing heat flowed into his mouth down his throat and raced towards his heart.

He knew that taste, it was Billy’s pre-cum, a taste he had thought he would never have again and yet here he was, tasting it once again long after Billy had been lain to rest. The pain of his loss was present in

gaystoryman

his heart but it didn’t ache as much now; the taste and touch of Billy’s hot thick cock was slowing eating away at that pain, slowly driving it from around and from within his heart.

Josh could feel the heat growing inside of him. He kissed the hot cock again, tasting the saltiness around the head, feeling the heat from it course through his body. His limbs lost their feeling and yet his eyes watched the way the body started to shimmer beneath him. The whole flesh was like wrapped in a blanket of hot air.

He pulled back, fear gripping him as he watched the heat shimmer make Billy’s body glisten in his eyes.

“Look up Josh, look at my neck Josh.”

“I am scared Billy.”

“Trust me, now look up at me Josh.”

Slowly he did as he was told, he started to raise his head to stare up at Billy’s face. He took in the shimmering body as his eyes left the huge pulsing penis, he saw the thick bush that had been Billy’s pubic hairs, saw each strand of hair, nestled together. His eyes rose upwards, seeing how the treasure trail led him upwards to the soft pink belly button.

Josh saw the way the soft skin covered and swirled around to form the little hole that was Billy’s belly button. He remembered how he used to kiss it, drive his tongue around the edges, making Billy moan with pleasure and then how he would push hard with his tongue into the centre, making Billy squirm under his face.

Upwards his eyes went, to the flat washboard stomach that rippled with its hidden strength. The way Billy could flex them as he needed and how solid it felt to rest his head against the soft skin and feel the underlying strength that was his Billy.

His heart was dancing inside of him as it dredged up the memories of happier times. Of how much he had loved this wonderful person, of how much it had meant to him to be a part of his life.

Tears rolled down his cheeks unabated as his eyes moved upward to the chest, where dark hair swirled around in all directions. He was amazed at how tiny those hairs really were, and yet how dark they looked when taken in as one.

Upwards he went, and as his eyes took in the growing pectoral muscles, he stopped. He swallowed hard and his breathing became ragged and fear enveloped him. Shimmering it lay there, nestled between the two hard pink nipples of Billy’s chest. It glowed as his eyes focused on it, and he reared back, his mind reeling from the sight that had greeted him.

“How… no…”

“Yes Josh… it is.”

“But… No… I am afraid… oh God…”

“Come Josh, lay on top now… Don’t be afraid, I am here, as I

gaystoryman

always have been, come… lay on top.”

He looked back at the shimmering body that lay on the bed, and he felt his own legs slowly moving him from out of the swirling mist to climb onto the bed. He noticed that it wasn’t anywhere, it was just there: there was no floor, no walls, no lights, yet he could see as if it was high noon on a cloudless day on the prairies.

As he looked down, he saw his legs rest next to Billy’s legs, and then he witnessed them merge together. He couldn’t tell where his legs ended and Billy’s began. His body was slowly becoming a part of the one beneath him.

He glanced up to see the pendent shimmering in the golden light, floating upwards from the hard chest that was Billy’s. He moved himself up, feeling the fully erect penis push up against his rectum as he struggled forward, his hands outstretched to rest his weight, and yet he knew it wasn’t necessary.

“Look at me Josh,” the voice urged him.

Josh was scared. He didn’t know what was happening to him; he was petrified but yet the voice had him slowly raising his head upwards. He could see the firm chin, the tiny cleft in it that he loved so much when he had first found it, in one of his many explorations of Billy’s body.

Then he saw the beginning of his lips, the fullness starting to take shape as his eyes couldn’t stop moving upwards. He could see the hint of white behind the full lips, the perfect white teeth that used to nip at his own erect nipples, the way they would run along the edge of his cock as Billy would take him orally. It all flashed into his mind now, and he sighed deeply, recalling each and every time that he had kissed those soft lips.

Josh found his face moving forward and down, and before he realized it he was kissing the full red lips. He felt a sudden jolt in his heart, and he felt suddenly alive again. His body was arched upwards, but it slowly started to rest on the hot flesh beneath him.

He kissed gingerly at first, then with a mounting urgency as he delved further into the warm mouth. His tongue started pushing up between the firm lips, tasting the salt, the saliva that was there. It was making his heart beat faster as the lips parted to let him enter the cavern of the mouth. The tongue raced inwards, refusing to stop, as it was desperate to once more taste Billy’s mouth.

His eyes fluttered, as he could taste the warmth inside. Despite that, they refused to close, it was as if the eyelids were glued open and he saw the shimmering dark pools come into focus. He knew he was staring deep into Billy’s dark green eyes, but instead he saw himself, he saw his tongue reaching down the throat, tasting the walls. His heart seemed to stop once more, yet it was jolted back as the eyes reflected a deep

gaystoryman

shimmering pool before him. As his eyes delved deeper into the dark pool, he saw himself.

He could see himself lying prone on top of Billy, yet he couldn’t be sure where his body left off and Billy’s began. It was as if the two bodies were slowly becoming one single body. As he looked harder, he could see the pendent between them; it was nestled between their two chests, firmly pressing into his own flesh. He could feel the metal, not cold or forbidding, but warm and inviting.

Memories of their talks flooded his mind as he kissed deeply. He could recall the words as Billy outlined his dream for a house together with some land. How they would raise animals together and of him telling Billy how he wanted to be a business major so he could run a decent art gallery.

He could hear himself with excited breathe tell Billy about his dream to have a shop of his own, where he could even place his own drawings if he wanted. How he would love to be able to draw once again.

Josh could see the two of them sitting by Gordon’s pool in the late sun, as he tried to sketch Billy’s prone body. How he could never finish a picture of Billy, because they always wound up making love long before the picture could be finished.

As his tongue explored the walls of Billy’s throat, he could hear Billy outline his plans to get a cooking degree and maybe they could even open their own restaurant some day, and if Josh got his business degree, he could help manage it.

All of this passed before him in vivid detail as his tongue licked and caressed the inside of Billy’s mouth.

Josh found himself resting more and more on the prone body beneath him. His hands now moved down his own legs, and he reached behind him, to gently pry open his rectum, as he slid his legs up. He had no idea how he was doing this, or why, but he knew he had to.

Helooked deep into the dark pools, seeing the reflection of hislegs moving up, his own penis dripping with pre-cum sliding up the flat washboard stomach of Billy, and of Billy’s own large cock, now dripping its own milky pre-cum as his body lifted itself upwards.

“Yes Josh, yes… now is the time,” the voice whispered urgently into his ear.

Josh reached back, his one hand finding the hot pulsing cock and with surprising speed he was pressing it up against his rectum, feeling the smooth liquid lining his rectal canal.

He could feel Billy’s blood flowing in his body, all of it running through the arms, the legs, the chest, all of it racing towards that already blood gorged cock, and he leaned back, sending his buttocks back and down, taking the huge penis into his rectum in one giant push.

gaystoryman

146

Josh cried out in sheer joy as the huge cock penetrated him and dove hard and deep inside of him. He groaned loudly as he pushed down harder, sending the huge pulsing cock as far as it could go and yet he wanted more. He pushed even harder, desperate to take it deeper.

He was dizzy, his eyes were losing focus and he struggled to keep his presence. He needed to see it all and once more he found his eyes being drawn downwards towards Billy’s.

As he glanced down he shook with excitement. He could see it all reflected in the shimmering pools. He saw the two bodies joined now, and he could see that there was only the one being, not two shapes, just one single entity.

He could see the red pulsing heart of Billy slowing rising to meet another lowering itself. He could feel it, too, deep inside of him he could sense that his own heart was not the only beating thing inside his chest. His lungs were fully deflated and yet he had no trouble breathing.

His ears echoed to the sound of two hearts beating as one. His head focused as he saw the huge cock deep inside of him, the head buried deep up his canal. He could see the vein underneath pulsing with each stroke of not just Billy’s heart, but of his own heart.

He watched as he saw the huge head shimmer and glow deep inside of his rectum. He saw the tiny slit open wider, exposing the soft pink of the inside of Billy’s penis. He saw deep down the canal the coming white river of love.

It stunned him as he saw it come closer and closer, the pain in his heart no longer there, it was gone, his soul was set free and he was urging the coming river onwards.

His stomach muscles constricted themselves, waiting for the joy of sudden release. His eyes bulged open wider as he witnessed Billy’s heart flutter next to his own, saw the two hearts suddenly merge together just as the white river came flooding outwards.

He could see each drop of Billy’s cum as it came flooding out, engulfing his entire insides. He watched the river flow upwards, into his stomach and upwards. He swallowed hard, tasting the sweetness that was Billy’s cum.

His whole body was shaking now, as he could feel his own penis shooting its load of cum all between them. He could see it too, travelling all along the hot flesh that had no definition.

He trembled with the release of his own milk along with Billy’s. He could feel Billy trembling, and for that one second he knew he was one with Billy. He heard him cry out in joy as his cock continued to pour its love deep into him. He could feel the white seed travelling all through his body, being absorbed by his insides, filling every space with its heat and its love.

As the hot white cream filled his whole body, a sudden explosion

gaystoryman

of gold crossed before his eyes. He reared backwards from the brightness, feeling it engulf him. He could feel his whole body as if it had been set on fire. Deep within him he could feel a new found resolve, a new found love.

His soul seemed to come alive with the explosion of light. It flowed deep within him, touching him in places that had only been held by darkness. His hidden feelings of inadequacy were tossed out and his pain from his stepfather and schoolmates was pounded into nothingness.

The pain he had carried for so long was vanquished under the relentless power of the golden light. The white river now flowed deep into those never before reached spots. It soaked them, coated them and he could feel himself growing. He could feel strength returning to his limbs, his muscles no longer feeling tired and sore from their daily battle.

His eyes burned from the brilliance of the bright light, yet they remained focused on the dark shimmering pools of Billy’s eyes. He could see the golden light surround their two shapes. He could see it transform them back into two separate but joined persons.

He watched in awe as he saw the white river continue to flow inside of him. He saw every part of his body fill with the joy of Billy and he could feel a renewed strength in his soul. The sadness that had taken hold was gone, instead he revelled in recalling how they had made plans to spend their lives together. He felt the pure pleasure that Billy had felt when he had opened the pendant to find their pictures there. He knew how Billy felt each time they had kissed, each time they had hugged, each time they had nestled together. He no longer had to guess, he knew.

Josh blinked and as he opened his eyes, it was all gone.

There was no glimmering eyes to stare into, no prone body to rest on, instead he was once more standing in a swirling mist, tinged by gold now. Despite the sudden departure of Billy, he felt no fear this time.

“Yes Billy, I know… I will go back now… I love you.”

He heard himself speaking the words and he felt a sudden warm hug. He saw nothing, but he could feel the firm pressure of arms around him, and he felt a soft hand brush aside the tears that were rolling down his cheeks.